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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Sept 9, 2021 12:15:59 GMT -8
Lucas had tried his best to remain empathetic but he could feel his own frustration starting to grow now that it felt like Yuan was getting punchy rather than sharing in the empathy.
"You really think that I would do that? Jerk you around for my political growth?"
The Fairest didn't bother hiding that he felt insulted by the insinuation. He pulled away from Yuan by standing up o,n his feet and stepping away from the couch.
"I get that you're stressed and you've got a lot going on. But damn, Yuan. It's like you're resentful that I'm recovering. "
The anger didn't last long because in the end it made him sad more than anything that Yuan didn't want to celebrate the Fairest's success. He held off on the rest of his thoughts because nothing good was coming from this conversation and he could already feel the urge to pull away all together start to tug at him. He denied the urge by keeping his feet firmly in place.
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Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Sept 9, 2021 14:21:26 GMT -8
All thoughts of confrontation vanished when anger started dripping off of the Fairest. Yuan had been the cause - that was what he got for trying to voice his feelings. He should have just… done what? It didn’t matter. Anything to not make things worse. He was supposed to ground people, not send them spiralling. He had failed.
“No, that’s not- I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry, I was being selfish. I didn’t take your feelings into account.”
He focused on the issue at hand, using that to dam the panic that was trying to rise to the surface. He just needed to keep busy.
“What do you need?”
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Sept 9, 2021 22:08:18 GMT -8
Hearing the sincerity in Yuan's voice was enough to soothe Lucas's nerves and keep the anger at bay. Instead he could feel the sorrow that came naturally to him start to fill his heart. He still maintained his distance from Yuan because he needed his space to process his thoughts.
"Honestly, Yuan? Right now, I'm afraid of telling you what it is I need or asking anything of you again. Because it feels like if I ask something of you, you're gonna come out of no where and hold it against me. How can I feel comfortable asking you for something when you just accused me of being capable of using you, someone who I named as an actual friend, for my career growth? I appreciate the apology but do you even know why that hurt my feelings?"
The apology Yuan offered felt like a blanket apology rather than one that emphasized with the hurt that had been caused. His voice was soft enough that Luther had settled back down. The Fairest was actively keeping his anger in check. Yuan was doing his best to try and make amends in this situation. Lucas didn't want to try and bulldoze him into submission. He wanted to try and get Yuan to a place of understanding.
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Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Sept 11, 2021 18:06:16 GMT -8
His body finally caught up with what he was trying to do. His shoulders relaxed and the pressure on his temples receded. He seemed to deflate somehow, like he was trying to take as little space as possible.
"You're right. It's just- No never mind, it doesn't matter. I don't have an excuse. You haven't done anything to deserve that and I'm just being a dick and shoving my anxiety on you. I'm being horrible to you."
There was a voice in the back of his mind that kept berating him. An insidious voice than only drove him further into stress and fear. "I'll do better next time." His role was to take care of others and he had failed at it.
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Sept 13, 2021 2:11:46 GMT -8
The energy change in the room with Yuan de-escalating helped Lucas with de-escalating as well. Back when he attended an intensive outpatient program when he was 19, he had been taught a handful of deep breathing exercises. Over the years he had stopped using them and found other coping strategies that were a mixed bag. Now that he was once more practicing meditation daily, he had started to use the techniques again.
He closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath, picturing himself drawing in all of his stress and following the energy flow in his body. When he exhaled he pictured himself using the energy in his body to push away all of the stress. After doing the routine a couple of times he looked back over at Yuan.
"You're not being horrible to me, Yuan, but I do agree that you're anxiety is getting the best of you. We've all got our different hang ups from both mortal life and our time in Arcadia fucking us up. That's why we have to really work on being honest with each other when we find someone we trust.
I'm a good liar. So are you. We can both smile at someone and distract them from our woes if we want. That's why being honest about what we need is so important. That's how we beat our Keepers. It's uncomfortable. We are gonna fuck up. We are going to stumble around in the dark and knock things over. But we have to keep trying. We have to find a way to trust in one another or we are never going to truly escape Arcadia, you know?
If you want to know more about what I'm doing with Spring, I can share some of the details. I care a great deal about what your court is going through. My recent efforts have been focused on trying to help re energize the court. "
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Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Sept 13, 2021 11:55:14 GMT -8
Yuan had aggressively separated his mundane life from his presence at the Freehold. It was an attempt to have some peace when he was working. Most didn’t care enough to ask, but the Beast had still decided to not volunteer information. This was the limit he had set: do not come to me outside of Changeling events. The last thing he needed was for Shen to start asking difficult questions.
However, Lucas was making a fair point. There was only so much that could be done on your own. Despite not understanding the reason, Yuan strive to create meaningful connections wherever he went, just to have his efforts thrown back in his face. And wasn’t that exactly what was doing now?
“I don’t know what I want. Rather, I don’t remember. I’ve always thought that I wanted to help people, because I have the skills for it. I had to watch over my sick mother for years before…” His voice caught and he cleared his throat to dislodge the knot of emotions. “But lately it started to feel frustrating. Like I’m being taken advantage of. You’ve seen Mitch, you know what I mean.”
“I just wish, I don’t know, that people came to me for, well, me and for the Contracts I know.”
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Sept 14, 2021 5:35:06 GMT -8
Lucas was quiet while he listened to Yuan briefly touch on his personal life before being kidnapped and then the part about Mitch being taken advantage of. He was glad that he wasn't the only one who had noticed Mitch wasn't in the best place mentally. Then again, the Spring Fairest seemed to have a knack for putting himself smack dab in the way of drama.
"I don't know Mitch all that well. From a cursory glance, he doesn't seem to have great boundaries and that causes folks to keep expecting things from him. I mean at Litha, I brought up how he had also been abused, and he didn't really say anything to back me up or himself. Instead, he intervened right in the middle of the conflict. He did the same thing in Beltane too with Hartman. Or at least, it looked like he was going to."
Lucas shrugged his shoulders. When he spoke up again he used an encouraging tone.
"Genuine intimacy takes sometime to form. A lot of it is a trial and error process. Sometimes you're going to put yourself out there and get rejected. Realistically, 90% of the Lost we come across here are going to want something from us. It's how our society works. Making contracts, deals, and all that is what our Arcadian magic is built on. The important question is...who do you want to be the people who show up to your door to see you for you? I'm a quality over quantity kind of guy myself. I have a handful of close friends here and then I have a variety of different acquaintances. Some are friendly acquaintances. Some are business acquaintances. Some I don't care for but playing nice helps keep tensions low."
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Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Sept 22, 2021 11:54:36 GMT -8
The Beast frowned a little at Lucas’ opinion of Mitch. Then again, the Beast had more information, information that he wasn’t particularly inclined to share. It wasn’t his secret to reveal and he would have appreciated the discretion if he were Mitch.
Rather, he focused on the second part of what the Fairest was saying “I’m not exactly sure what you want me to say. Meeting people and building bridges is pretty much what I do. What kills me is the lack of appreciation. How everyone nails out the second I need something. When things get too real. And I get what you’re saying about choosing people, but what am I supposed to do? Leave them when they need my help? Then how am I any better?”
He sighed. Rationally, he understood, but it didn’t matter. It never changed that he felt trapped all the time.
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Sept 25, 2021 18:25:10 GMT -8
"What I'm saying is it would be helpful to invest in a small handful of relationships where you feel there's mutual appreciation. You know, genuine relationships where you feel supported and built up as well. Because lots of folks are going to try and take whatever they can get and not show any appreciation for it or they see it as a business transaction. Having those handful of folks who care about you will help when things feel heavy. "
He paused as he considered his next response. He didn't want to feed into Yaun's insecurities. Rather, he wanted to help him find a way to get what he wanted by considering personal growth areas to reflect on.
"You're a great caretaker type. You know how to fuss over someone. Heal their wounds. Soothe their egos when they feel deflated. Help someone find their footing. I guess what I'm trying to say is you need to expand beyond the caretaker role or at least explicitly let folks know you want to be more than that. That yes, helping others is it's own reward, but you want to feel appreciated and let them know what that means. What is your love language?"
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Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Sept 28, 2021 15:42:32 GMT -8
You need to. You. You you you. Never the others. Just like it was Mitch's fault for ending up the way he did, right? Because he didn't take care of himself, not because of what others did to him.
He nodded. "Maybe. Like, don't get me wrong, I get what your saying, at least logically. It's just- I don't think it's something I can sustain for a long time. At least right now." It was a constant fight for the Beast, balancing between what he wanted to do and what was asked of him. To stand his ground. It was simply infinitely easier to give in than to oppose it. To set boundaries, even.
He didn't want to be shrinked right now, but it made Lucas feel like he was contributing and at the very least it gave the Playmate something to think about.
Later. When he would have managed to herd his cutlery. Would leaving now make the Fairest feel disappointed?
"My... what?" He frowned in confusion.
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Oct 1, 2021 1:18:43 GMT -8
"If you're burning out all of your spoons then definitely say no when you need to. Just because someone shows up at your door, it doesn't mean you have to let them in, yeah?"
The look of confusion on Yuan's face caused Lucas to become momentarily confused as well. Languages of love was a fairly common concept at least in more modern times. He reminded himself of how human emotions could almost be alien to fairies because the way they perceived reality and emotions was through the lens of the Wyrd. Add in Yuan being a Playmate and he suspected the other Lost wasn't asked about his needs very often which circled them right back to the conversation the two of them were having.
"Languages of love is the concept that different people need different gestures to feel loved and they also express how they care about someone in different ways. The five main languages of love are: Words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts. What is it that makes you feel cared about and loved? Do you like physical touch such as someone giving you a hug when you're feeling down? Do you like it when someone buys you a gift when they go somewhere because it reminded them of you? Do you need to hear directly from someone that they care about you? If you tell me what resonates with you the most then I'll work on that to help show that, hey, I do care about you and that our friendship means something to me. I can also give you a breakdown of my own languages of love if that helps, so you can better understand how I show I care about others. We may have different ways of showing we care and that can cause wires to get crossed."
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Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Oct 5, 2021 23:43:34 GMT -8
"Saying 'no' is what's exhausting, actually."
For better or for worse, the Playmate saw physical touch as a means to an end - sex, magical loophole or necessity, caretaking. There was very little love involved in it. Gifts felt superficial, as buying drinks at a club was just one more way to signal physical attraction. That left only three options.
He briefly wondered in which category Promise would fall.
"I think examples would be helpful, yeah."
Yuan always thought that it was quite easy to see when he cared - he basically did it all the time. He'd lost count how many times he'd had to put aside what he wanted for someone else's sake. He had a purpose, one he had failed somehow and was thrown out. If going second was what was needed to insure that it would never happen again, then that would be the price he would pay.
Because that was what he was shaped and groomed for. Because standing up for himself only brought pain.
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Oct 8, 2021 22:27:03 GMT -8
Before diving into another explanation, the Fairest took a moment to study the Beast and get a better sense of what it was that Yuan needed from him in the moment. He didn't want to offer up a lengthy explanation that would land on deaf ears. The usually energy that Yuan brought to their interactions was missing. Lucas wasn't terribly surprised by this given everything going on with Spring but he wanted to get a sense if there were more personalized things that were weighing on the Verdant Courtier. Maybe someone asked too much of him and that lead to a confrontation that has Yuan feeling especially exhausted over being asked for assistance. More importantly, he wanted to figure out what it was that Yuan needed from him to help this conversation go in a more positive direction.
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Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Oct 12, 2021 15:47:22 GMT -8
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Oct 14, 2021 5:28:52 GMT -8
Lucas flexed his fingers to help push out the tension in his own body. There wasn't any reason for this to have to go up another notch or cause either one of them more stress.
"I wish I could do quality time and words of affirmation all the time. You know, always be open and honest with my feelings or be able to arrange my schedule for regular hangouts. In my court, that's not an option. "
He ran his fingers through his thick, golden blonde hair that now curled around his ears because of how much he had grown it out.
"But it is an option for us tonight. You're my friend, Yuan, and I enjoy being around you. Don't worry about the dishes or anything else. We can kick back and relax on the couch, find something to watch on Netflix, and I can order us takeout. "
He gestured towards the couch before moving back over to it and taking a seat there.
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