Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Aug 28, 2021 10:52:13 GMT -8
Yuan was trying very hard to not think about what he was doing. Yellow rubber gloves covered his hands and protected his skin from the hot water and the soap in the sink. He had gotten used to doing dishes, back when his mother was sick. Even now, when he was living alone, the manual labour often helped him let go of the events of the day and relax.
But now, for some reason, he felt resentment.
For now, he had a reason to keep his back turned to Lucas, to avoid dealing with his feelings. The Fairest had disappeared at the last event and Yuan had been worried that it was the onset of another episode. Because that was their relationship, wasn’t it? When Lucas fell apart, the Playmate was there to pick up the pieces and glue them back together. Once he was as good as new however, he promptly fucked off to gossip with the Magpie, or the Margrave, or some other noble position that started with M-A.
Where did that leave Yuan? Exactly where he was now. Worried, pushed to side. He had tried to convince himself that everything was fine, that it didn’t mean anything and that they were still friends, but he had been dreaming of falling from the clouds again.
The last clanged into place and there was nowhere left to hide. Turning of the faucet, the Beast turned around and leaned against the sink.
“Hey, Lucas? We’re friends, right?”
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Aug 28, 2021 11:21:57 GMT -8
Lucas was surprised when Yuan showed up at his door. It had been a few weeks since their paths had crossed if not more. After his adventure through time and space with Golden Boy and Riley, the Fairest found himself losing track of time. Most mornings he woke up in a cold sweat and it took him a good hour or two to reorient himself to time and place.
Regardless of how much time had actually passed, Yuan was a welcomed presence. He found comfort in the Beast's gentle nature. As luck would have it he had gone shopping earlier in the week so he was able to offer snacks and drinks to the Beast.
Lucas began to protest Yuan doing his dishes but he knew better than to keep pushing once the Beast was in the zone. He thanked Yuan and used the extra time to tidy up Luther's cage.
When Yuan brought up their friendship the Fairest looked puzzled by the question.
"Yeah, of course. Is something up?"
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Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Aug 28, 2021 11:54:02 GMT -8
The speed at which Lucas answered made him feel stupid. Was he imagining things? He had always been careful in screening those who would be more than simple acquaintances because he knew how easy it was for him to get attached.
“No, it’s nothing. Never mind.”
He wrestled down the feeling and the anxiety, setting it to the side because his companion might need him. He hadn’t seen Lucas in a while, but he had a knack for getting himself in trouble.
He took off the gloves and wiped off the water from the counter before joining the Fairest around the snacks. Since most people didn’t want to talk about their problems, Yuan had no choice but to pry. The hypocrisy was clearly lost on him.
“How’s Luther been doing?”
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Aug 28, 2021 23:42:51 GMT -8
That was a strange question to ask and then suddenly pivot away from. Lucas studied Yuan for a moment, still maintaining his puzzled expression.
"Luther's doing good. I'm actually moving to a different rental room here at the beginning of September. I'm making enough now that I can rent a second bedroom. Luther and Mr.Bubbles need their own room. Especially Luther. Don't ya, buddy?"
The Fairest smiled at his feather friend who was relaxing on one of his swings. Lucas raised his forearm, holding his wrist out to Luther. Luther made a couple of pleased sounding whistles before he hopped onto Lucas wrist. "How are things on your end? The Freehold has been so hectic these past couple of months."
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Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Sept 1, 2021 15:00:00 GMT -8
"My work load has definitely increased. We all have to share the burden, after all. I'm sorry about Fawkes. By the time the news reached me, it was already too late."
Brushing off a spot on the sofa and reached for one of the snacks. Anxiety was eating at him, but he wasn't sure how it would be received. In the past, people had often dismissed his worries, saying that he was overthinking things, or that he shouldn't sweat the little details. These interactions often made him feel that he was being valued as a tool and not as a person. Like now. He wasn't sure of Lucas' intentions, and he didn't want to assume things, but their definition of friendship didn't seem to align.
Yuan took a deep breath.
"It's just- I don't know. It feels like we only talk when you're feeling down."
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Sept 1, 2021 22:29:41 GMT -8
Lucas couldn't quite get a read on Yuan so he ended up going with the flow of changing topics.
"It's okay, Yuan. There wasn't much anyone could do in that situation. Hell,most of us didn't even know anything had happened until Fawkes was in the hospital. "
A frown rested on the Fairest's lips as he thought back to Fawkes' mental state. He needed to make introductions between Yuan and Fawkes. Maybe Yuan could help soothe the paranoia from the Elemental's fragmented mind.
When Yuan spoke up again, the frown on Lucas face grew. He was frowning at himself rather than Yuan as he reflected on his words. Lucas had been doing a lot of work either in private or when he socialized it was specifically for work related things. He chewed over how to respond without being immediately dismissive or make excuses. After all, Yuan had been at his side during some of his darkest nights in Vegas. "I-yeah, it has been awhile since we've hung out, hasn't it been? I know that's on me. "
The frown on his face shifted to an apologetic look.
"I think what happens is after I get over a depressive bout I suddenly get this surge of energy from not feeling so exhausted. The energy is also charged with anxiety because I feel like it's a race against time to get everything done before I inevitably fall into another depressive episode.
But that's on me to manage and not you. I get why it's left you questioning our friendship status and I'm sorry for that. Do you want to hangout more?"
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Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Sept 1, 2021 22:55:29 GMT -8
“No, it’s nothing, I get it. Well, I don’t get it get it, but I understand where you’re coming from.”
The frown of concern almost shattered his resolve. Why was it so hard, to just say what was on his? He ate his snack, chewing it to buy a precious few seconds to compose himself.
“I know I’m basically a nobody and that you’re an up and coming big shot courtier. There’s no way I can compete with the people you hang out with. What if you never get another episode? What if you’re cured? What then? Do I just, don’t matter? I- I don’t want to be abandoned. I can’t.”
Words came out in a quiet hush, like he was confessing some dark secret. His eyes glistened silver with artificial moisture as emotions swelled in his throat.
“Sorry. I’m sorry. I’m being selfish.”
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Sept 1, 2021 23:34:18 GMT -8
There was a sad look in Lucas' eyes as Yuan asked the Fairest what he would do if he was cured. That was never going to happen. Even if all of his memories were gone, there would still be some sort of imbalance in his brain. The best use of his spoons was focusing on managing his symptoms and building up his mental resiliency so his depressive episode were less likely to occur.
However, he didn't argue the point because he knew that wasn't the main focus of what Yuan was trying to get at. In fact, it felt surreal listening to Yuan because he felt like he was listening to himself. The idea of being an up and comer was a foreign thought to Lucas and yet he knew it was an accurate assessment. "You're not being selfish. You're being honest and you're trusting in our friendship enough to be honest with me. I appreciate that. "
Lucas reached over rest a hand on Yuan'd arm and he gave it what was meant to be a reassuring squeeze. "You are someone, Yuan. You've helped a lot of the Freeholders here. And you are <i>someone</i> to me as well.
That's not going to change because of my mental state being on the up and up. I also get from the outside looking in it seems like I'm having a grand old time on my social outings rubbing elbows with the likes of the former Sage escort and all that. The thing is a lot of those social outings exhaust me. I blow my social load when I hit them up and then I come back home to veg out on my couch while I recharge.
There are times because of the nature of my court I can't talk to anyone about what I'm doing or bring them along for the ride.
So me doing whatever isn't about you somehow being unworthy or unimportant to me. It's me managing my symptoms and doing my courtly duties. However, that doesn't invalidate what you're feeling. What can I do to help you feel more included in my life and less alone?"
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Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Sept 2, 2021 16:17:15 GMT -8
He didn't want this conversation to continue, to listen to all the reasons why Lucas' behaviour was normal - Yuan knew it was. He was the one asking for too much, he knew that, and yet he couldn't stop wanting it. Security, stability. He sniffed and looked up to blink away the tears of frustration that were starting to spill.
"I'm not- It's not about being alone. Finding someone to spend some time with was never the issue. You said it yourself - I'm someone because I help the freehold. People show up at my door step at all hours of the day demanding I do something for them. After that they disappear as fast as they showed up."
"I hear things like 'some Spring will fix it' on an almost daily basis. Well guess what? Spring is cutting off the power supply and most of us can barely soothe fatigue anymore. And no one cares."
"I don't want to matter only because of my skills, or my magic, or based on the help I can provide to other. Because where does that leave me when everything is fine?"
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Sept 3, 2021 0:14:41 GMT -8
Lucas gave Yuan's shoulder another squeeze before he dropped his hand back to his side. The sad smile was still on his face. It wasn't coming from a place of pity but rather empathy.
"That's the thing, isn't it? You can be in a room full of people, with everyone wanting your attention, and you can still feel so alone because you don't feel like you're connected with any of them."
His mind wandered back to the conversation he had with Dani during their spooky picnic. The elemental shared how she desperatley tried to hold onto connections and that could lead to them feeling suffocated. Whereas Lucas pulled away and fell into a depressive state. There was a lot of loneliness in the Freehold even if the other courtiers weren't able to recognize that's what they were experiencing.
"And you said I was someone because I'm an up-and-coming courtier, yeah? Not because I'm a good, kind, or honest person or any other reflection of me as an individual. It's everyone's public perception of me. That's what the community has to work off of. They see our actions and it gives them a chance to see what we are made of.
Then when they get a chance to know us through working towards a common goal, that's when the bonds can be formed. Most of us are anxious messes and struggle with our self-worth. Most of us have trouble putting ourselves out there because we're so afraid of rejection. That's why I am asking you what you need, Yuan. I don't want to guess or try to read your mind. What helps me feel connected and like someone cares about me could be different than what you need. There are love languages for a reason, yeah?
So what is it you need from me or from other meaningful connections to help you feel like you matter and that you're friends with them? Regular phone calls? Social outings? Cooking together? Hugs whenever you see one and other?"
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Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Sept 3, 2021 14:47:28 GMT -8
Lonely in a crowd. Was that how he was feeling? Sometimes, but not more than anyone else, he thought. It wasn’t the crux of the issue. It wasn’t even about building connections. If anything, Yuan had to hold himself back from building too many. It was about lack of reciprocity, about being constantly taken from. The Playmate lived with a sword of Damocles over his head, that one day there will be nothing left to give. Willingly or not.
The mental math was surprisingly level-headed for how he was feeling: was this worth the energy he was investing?
“Yeah, you’re right,” he answered while wiping his eyes. “I get insecure sometimes, is all. Cooking sounds like a blast, I’d love that.”
The answer to what he wanted tangled on his lips, but he didn’t dare to word it. Promise me. Promise me you won’t toss me out like yesterday’s trash. Because that breaking point, that moment of falling from the clouds, the failure of not being good enough, was more painful than any amount of time spent wading through the Thorns, broken and lost.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to dump it on you. I’m sure you have it hard enough without my problems on top.”
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Sept 3, 2021 21:49:14 GMT -8
As Lucas listened to Yuan, he found himself wondering how deeply Keepers bred a feeling of codependency into their Playmates. Instead of being excited at the idea of Lucas becoming better, Yuan was fearful about it because of how it would impact his worth. He knew it wasn't based on anything malicious like what one would see in a narcissist. Out of all of the Kiths, Playmates were the ones who didn't want to escape. From the little he understood about them, they were typically thrown away when their Keepers became bored. That kind of trauma was harder for most Lost, including himself, to wrap ones head around.
The Fairest grew quiet as he reflected on their conversation. Would the time he had to give to Yuan be enough? The further Lucas involved himself in Winter politics, the less free time he would have. On the other side of things, he would continue to collect more and more secrets that he wouldn't be able to share with others.
But he wanted to do better than his court, didn't he? Sedna would approve of Lucas cutting people out of his life or worse yet, drawing them closer to him so that he could get their secrets from him. There were those in his court who would use this as an opportunity to try and lure the Playmate into a false sense of security. What troubled soul wouldn't want to be drawn into someone's arms, held in a way that told them they were cherished? He already knew the types of sweet nothings other Lost and humans alike enjoyed having whispered into their ears. Those sweet nothings turned into sweet somethings. Then the secrets would come pouring out.
When Luther squawked loudly for attention, it gave Lucas the perfect excuse to look away from Yuan to collect his thoughts.
"I appreciate you being honest with me, Yuan." There was a pause before he continued.
"I don't want to hurt you, Yuan. I'm not an easy person to get close to because of my own issues. Add in my court's politics and I guess...are you sure this is a friendship you want to continue? I won't make demands when I show up at your door, but there will be times I have to disappear after wards and I won't be able to tell you why. I will show back up once I'm done doing whatever and we can do whatever it is you want to do."
He offered a small, encouraging smile at the end.
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Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Sept 9, 2021 3:59:47 GMT -8
His anxiety was starting to spike. What was Lucas talking about? Had Yuan done something wrong? This was exactly what he had been afraid of and it was happening right in front of him. His throat ties into a knot.
He swallowed, pushing down the tightness in his chest. “I don’t mind. It doesn’t matter how little time we spend together, I just need to know that we will still be friends.”
Slowly, anxiety made way for frustration. Did the Fairest think that their friendship so far had been a walk in the park? That Yuan hadn’t had to compromise to help? He was just like everyone else - showing him the door once he had gotten what he wanted. The veneer of politeness and psycho babble was just for the sake of his conscience. The Beast closed his eyes and put his emotions on hold. There will be time to deal with them later.
“Unless that doesn’t work for you?”
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Sept 9, 2021 11:03:17 GMT -8
"It does but I need you to open up to me more."
Lucas speaks in a gentle voice to try and soothe the Beast's nerves and not set off his fight-or-flight mode.
"Some food for thought on another way to look at things or at least between you and I. You've seen me at my absolute worst,Yuan. You've seen me unshowered, unshaven, exhausted...and vulnerable. That's not an easy thing to do especially in my court. I'm trusting in you to not manipulate me or not shame me when I let you see me like that. You can trust me to do the same. Otherwise, I'm left guessing how you're feeling or that the vulnerability is only going to be a one way street."
There were other thoughts on his mind about the exchanges between them that were possibly going to become a concern. However, he didn't get the sense that Yuan was in a mental place to have that conversation or at least that was the Fairest's guess. He was having a hard time reading the Spring courtier so the gentle approach seemed like the best approach.
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Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Sept 9, 2021 11:55:26 GMT -8
Why was Lucas forcing this? Wasn’t the whole point to get this friendship over with? Yuan didn’t want to speak. Not out of some malicious, one-sides power trip, but simply because the Fairest had enough to deal with.
But again, the mental math said it would just be easier to give in. Especially when he was using that tone.
“I don’t know what more you want me to say. That this feels exactly like what I was afraid of? That now that you’re on your feet your asking me if I want to keep being friends and it feels like you’re trying to let me down easy?” He shrugged. “I’m tired and stressed all. the time. People keep counting on Spring to patch them up and yet no one cares that we’re facing our own crisis.”
“So let me return the question. Do you still want to be friends? Not because of how I’ve seen you, but despite it. I don’t want your pity. I can’t handle being jerked around for the sake of your career growth but I’m also not going to stand in the way of your Desire.”
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