[Private] Only When You’re Lonely

Lucas was surprised when Yuan showed up at his door. It had been a few weeks since their paths had crossed if not more. After his adventure through time and space with Golden Boy and Riley, the Fairest found himself losing track of time. Most mornings he woke up in a cold sweat and it took him a good hour or two to reorient himself to time and place.

Regardless of how much time had actually passed, Yuan was a welcomed presence. He found comfort in the Beast's gentle nature. As luck would have it he had gone shopping earlier in the week so he was able to offer snacks and drinks to the Beast.

Lucas began to protest Yuan doing his dishes but he knew better than to keep pushing once the Beast was in the zone. He thanked Yuan and used the extra time to tidy up Luther's cage.

When Yuan brought up their friendship the Fairest looked puzzled by the question.

"Yeah, of course. Is something up?"

That was a strange question to ask and then suddenly pivot away from. Lucas studied Yuan for a moment, still maintaining his puzzled expression.



"Luther's doing good. I'm actually moving to a different rental room here at the beginning of September. I'm making enough now that I can rent a second bedroom. Luther and Mr.Bubbles need their own room. Especially Luther. Don't ya, buddy?"

The Fairest smiled at his feather friend who was relaxing on one of his swings. Lucas raised his forearm, holding his wrist out to Luther. Luther made a couple of pleased sounding whistles before he hopped onto Lucas wrist.
"How are things on your end? The Freehold has been so hectic these past couple of months."

Lucas couldn't quite get a read on Yuan so he ended up going with the flow of changing topics.

"It's okay, Yuan. There wasn't much anyone could do in that situation. Hell,most of us didn't even know anything had happened until Fawkes was in the hospital. "

A frown rested on the Fairest's lips as he thought back to Fawkes' mental state. He needed to make introductions between Yuan and Fawkes. Maybe Yuan could help soothe the paranoia from the Elemental's fragmented mind.

When Yuan spoke up again, the frown on Lucas face grew. He was frowning at himself rather than Yuan as he reflected on his words. Lucas had been doing a lot of work either in private or when he socialized it was specifically for work related things. He chewed over how to respond without being immediately dismissive or make excuses. After all, Yuan had been at his side during some of his darkest nights in Vegas.
"I-yeah, it has been awhile since we've hung out, hasn't it been? I know that's on me. "

The frown on his face shifted to an apologetic look.

"I think what happens is after I get over a depressive bout I suddenly get this surge of energy from not feeling so exhausted. The energy is also charged with anxiety because I feel like it's a race against time to get everything done before I inevitably fall into another depressive episode.

But that's on me to manage and not you. I get why it's left you questioning our friendship status and I'm sorry for that. Do you want to hangout more?"

There was a sad look in Lucas' eyes as Yuan asked the Fairest what he would do if he was cured. That was never going to happen. Even if all of his memories were gone, there would still be some sort of imbalance in his brain. The best use of his spoons was focusing on managing his symptoms and building up his mental resiliency so his depressive episode were less likely to occur.

However, he didn't argue the point because he knew that wasn't the main focus of what Yuan was trying to get at. In fact, it felt surreal listening to Yuan because he felt like he was listening to himself. The idea of being an up and comer was a foreign thought to Lucas and yet he knew it was an accurate assessment.
"You're not being selfish. You're being honest and you're trusting in our friendship enough to be honest with me. I appreciate that. "

Lucas reached over rest a hand on Yuan'd arm and he gave it what was meant to be a reassuring squeeze.
"You are someone, Yuan. You've helped a lot of the Freeholders here. And you are <i>someone</i> to me as well.

That's not going to change because of my mental state being on the up and up. I also get from the outside looking in it seems like I'm having a grand old time on my social outings rubbing elbows with the likes of the former Sage escort and all that. The thing is a lot of those social outings exhaust me. I blow my social load when I hit them up and then I come back home to veg out on my couch while I recharge.

There are times because of the nature of my court I can't talk to anyone about what I'm doing or bring them along for the ride.

So me doing whatever isn't about you somehow being unworthy or unimportant to me. It's me managing my symptoms and doing my courtly duties. However, that doesn't invalidate what you're feeling. What can I do to help you feel more included in my life and less alone?"

Lucas gave Yuan's shoulder another squeeze before he dropped his hand back to his side. The sad smile was still on his face. It wasn't coming from a place of pity but rather empathy.

"That's the thing, isn't it? You can be in a room full of people, with everyone wanting your attention, and you can still feel so alone because you don't feel like you're connected with any of them."

His mind wandered back to the conversation he had with Dani during their spooky picnic. The elemental shared how she desperatley tried to hold onto connections and that could lead to them feeling suffocated. Whereas Lucas pulled away and fell into a depressive state. There was a lot of loneliness in the Freehold even if the other courtiers weren't able to recognize that's what they were experiencing.

"And you said I was someone because I'm an up-and-coming courtier, yeah? Not because I'm a good, kind, or honest person or any other reflection of me as an individual.  It's everyone's public perception of me. That's what the community has to work off of. They see our actions and it gives them a chance to see what we are made of.

Then when they get a chance to know us through working towards a common goal, that's when the bonds can be formed. Most of us are anxious messes and struggle with our self-worth. Most of us have trouble putting ourselves out there because we're so afraid of rejection. That's why I am asking you what you need, Yuan. I don't want to guess or try to read your mind. What helps me feel connected and like someone cares about me could be different than what you need. There are love languages for a reason, yeah?

So what is it you need from me or from other meaningful connections to help you feel like you matter and that you're friends with them? Regular phone calls? Social outings? Cooking together? Hugs whenever you see one and other?"

As Lucas listened to Yuan, he found himself wondering how deeply Keepers bred a feeling of codependency into their Playmates. Instead of being excited at the idea of Lucas becoming better, Yuan was fearful about it because of how it would impact his worth. He knew it wasn't based on anything malicious like what one would see in a narcissist. Out of all of the Kiths, Playmates were the ones who didn't want to escape. From the little he understood about them, they were typically thrown away when their Keepers became bored. That kind of trauma was harder for most Lost, including himself, to wrap ones head around. 

The Fairest grew quiet as he reflected on their conversation. Would the time he had to give to Yuan be enough? The further Lucas involved himself in Winter politics, the less free time he would have. On the other side of things, he would continue to collect more and more secrets that he wouldn't be able to share with others.

But he wanted to do better than his court, didn't he? Sedna would approve of Lucas cutting people out of his life or worse yet, drawing them closer to him so that he could get their secrets from him. There were those in his court who would use this as an opportunity to try and lure the Playmate into a false sense of security. What troubled soul wouldn't want to be drawn into someone's arms, held in a way that told them they were cherished? He already knew the types of sweet nothings other Lost and humans alike enjoyed having whispered into their ears. Those sweet nothings turned into sweet somethings. Then the secrets would come pouring out.

When Luther squawked loudly for attention, it gave Lucas the perfect excuse to look away from Yuan to collect his thoughts. 

"I appreciate you being honest with me, Yuan." There was a pause before he continued.

"I don't want to hurt you, Yuan. I'm not an easy person to get close to because of my own issues. Add in my court's politics and I guess...are you sure this is a friendship you want to continue? I won't make demands when I show up at your door, but there will be times I have to disappear after wards and I won't be able to tell you why. I will show back up once I'm done doing whatever and we can do whatever it is you want to do."

He offered a small, encouraging smile at the end. 

"It does but I need you to open up to me more."

Lucas speaks in a gentle voice to try and soothe the Beast's nerves and not set off his fight-or-flight mode.



"Some food for thought on another way to look at things or at least between you and I. You've seen me at my absolute worst,Yuan. You've seen me unshowered, unshaven, exhausted...and vulnerable. That's not an easy thing to do especially in my court. I'm trusting in you to not manipulate me or not shame me when I let you see me like that. You can trust me to do the same. Otherwise, I'm left guessing how you're feeling or that the vulnerability is only going to be a one way street."

There were other thoughts on his mind about the exchanges between them that were possibly going to become a concern. However, he didn't get the sense that Yuan was in a mental place to have that conversation or at least that was the Fairest's guess. He was having a hard time reading the Spring courtier so the gentle approach seemed like the best approach.