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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Jun 20, 2021 14:07:55 GMT -8
It was becoming clear to Lucas that he needed to expand more on his reasoning why this particular role called to him. In addition to the emotional appeal, he needed to throw in some facts to satisfy Fawkes' desire to understand his viewpoint.
"Fortunately, I don't see our court creating a "grief support peer specialist" job. " Lucas responded in a joking tone to demonstrate he didn't take offense to the comment.
"For the dead and the living, we must bear witness.-Elie Wiesel " Lucas paused to let the quote hang between the two of them before continuing.
"Most of us know about Kubler-Ross' five stages of grief. Dr.Kubler-Ross worked with a guy by the name of David Kessler who helped her with her research. He further researched grief and came up with a sixth stage; finding meaning. Kessler argued that by finding meaning beyond the six stages, we can make grief a more hopeful and peaceful experience.
While he was writing his book his 21 year old son died. He talked about a need to have someone simply witness his grief. Because that's the thing; there are no perfect words that are gonna make someone's grief go away or that perfectly express the depth of their loss. But we can sit beside someone and allow them to let their grief out of them while reminding them they are not alone.
So yeah, I am a Fairest, but their grief isn't about me. It's not about what I think is right or wrong. It's about being present with them and baring witness to their loss. Then we would work together to create personalized mostly mundane ritual that's unique to their loss. Or not and call it a day at using my contract. "
He paused again to take a long sip from his drink. Lucas reflected on his own grief and how he needed to hold onto the hope that he could master that sixth step so he could find peace in living again. The research helped him not feel so alone because it meant there were millions of other people out there who were also seeking more peace of mind even after doing all the things they were told to do to process grief.
"Imagine how much better this city would be if we could all find meaning in our life as a Lost. "
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Post by Fawkes on Jun 20, 2021 14:37:38 GMT -8
The Elemental seemed engaged, at least. Not breaking eye contact anymore or fiddling as he absorbed what Chevalier was getting at.
"Damn Lucas. That's more nuanced than most of use beginning in the court," he said, a symphonic whistle escaping his lips. It didn't mean Fawkes was wrong, but the philosophical approach was still legitimate.
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Jun 20, 2021 19:36:44 GMT -8
"Thank you, Fawkes. "
A shy but pleased smile graced the Fairest's lips. He had guessed correctly. It wasn't that Fawkes was trying to shame him or make him uncomfortable, it was more a case of the elemental having a genuine desire to understand him combined with clunky social skills.
"I know there's still a lot for me to learn within our court, which is why I'm sticking to the broad strokes rather than than focusing on the fine points."
The Gravewight paused once more, his eyes looked conflicted as he internally debated how much more he wanted to share. His pointer finger absent-mindedly tapped against the top of his beer bottle wuole he worked through his thoughts.
The two of them were in the same court. There was a connection between the two of them that he didn't share with most of the other Lost in his life. Even if Fawkes did decide to judge him it wasn't like he was going to run around sharing it with the other courtiers.
"I'll be honest with you, Fawkes. Another reason why the idea of being in a formal role like a counselor or priest doesn't appeal to me the same way as something like a peer support person is because I never graduated from college. I had a major depressive episode during the summer after I wrapped up my freshman year.
I had supportive professors. I had a good counselor too. They were all helpful but every counselor worth a dime is going to tell you to find your own organic support networks. No matter how kind and patient a teacher is, you still gotta turn in your homework or study for an exam at some point.
I got a medical leave and all that but it wasn't enough. I couldn't find a way to switch my brain back on. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I also knew how to be charming so I was able to mask my feelings around my friends and forget my troubles with a lot of drugs and alcohol.
If I had someone who understood where I was coming from and was more of a mentor in my life versus another counselor, teacher, or priest, then maybe things would have turned out differently. "
He shrugged his shoulders.
"This isn't me trying to sell myself short and say I couldn't be book smart or go back and finish school and all that in time. This is me acknowledging that there are those within our court who thrive in more academic roles whereas I thrive in a role that allows me to connect with others when it comes to loss.
Grief isn't always grieving the loss of a loved one, it's also grieving what your life could have been if your mental health didn't get in the way among other things. "
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Post by Fawkes on Jun 20, 2021 21:03:32 GMT -8
Fawkes switched to lighting up halfway through Lucas' deeper explanation; at his limit with suppressing the fidgeting. Focusing on the smoke snaking through the cracks kept him more occupied that snapping and crushing bottles, though he blinked a few times as the buzzing numb of the alcohol started to react to tuned in pop of the uppers. The lack of oxygen spun his perception, and he casually leaned against the wall to feel the flat surface to remind him he had a skin while the Fairest's voice hummed with the atmosphere.
His head cocked as he listened without looking, eyes dancing across something in front of the Elemental that Lucas couldn't see. "The potential that was never witnessed in the universe," he muttered, voice sounding a little smoother than the sharp, flat pivots and pauses.
"It didn't go anywhere but that just means exactly what it sounds like. Sorry that happened to you Lucas."
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Jun 20, 2021 22:19:45 GMT -8
Lucas found himself thanking Fawkes again. It felt good to be heard without being judged. Usually when he touched on this topic, someone was quick to down play it, they wanted to fix him, and/or they started to panic. When he got into the nitty gritty that touched on suicide, whoever he was talking to almost always froze up because they were worried he was going to unload some Real Heavy Shit on them. The last thing he wanted to do was burden someone with his troubles or fuel the urge to isolate by setting himself up for rejection.
He watched Fawkes briefly fidget around before finding a comfortable spot to rest against. He couldn't read the other's face with the way he was turned and that was okay. There was a time to read what was going on with someone and a time to let them have their privacy. He shifted his attention back to the skyline of the Strip in the distance.
"Have you ever heard the song Adam's Song by Blink 182? I listened to it all the time during the summer. It was one of the few songs that I felt like really spoke to my experience. The main refrain speaks to the whole potential that never existed:
I never conquered, rarely came
Sixteen just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive."
He could still clearly remember laying haphazardly on his bed in his parent's basement, trying to go back to sleep so he didn't have to think about his bleak future. It became his favorite escape method even after he discovered he could buy a quick high from some of his former high schools classmates who took to the streets to hustle rather than go to school.
"When I listen to the song these days, I focus on the final refrain:
I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside.
I've survived my worst days. So have you. So has everyone else who is still here with us. Every day we've survived since our worst day is a better day even if it doesn't always feel like it. "
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Post by Fawkes on Jun 21, 2021 11:15:17 GMT -8
Fawkes wasn't a lyrics or poetry person, having a hard time focusing on the meaning when it was jumbled for pace and delivery. Being high didn't help, but he could tell by the tone and reverence that this was important to the Fairest. Cracks scissored as his brow pinched, trying to match the sequence by humming quietly along.
"You use music to reflect on your depression? Is it because you get relief from knowing an artist can articulate your experience. Or...?"
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Post by Krakenbox on Jul 1, 2021 21:24:27 GMT -8
Casual conversation tapers off, and the two Winters part ways before the parrot wakes the neighbours.
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