Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Apr 2, 2021 15:52:23 GMT -8
His words cause her to pause. Again. Every single time he says something, she feels like she has to listen. She feels like she can't leave. She's suffocating in it. Her grip on the door frame tightens and she wants to take that final step out. Her whole world is spinning. Reality is spinning. She's supposed to be so strong, a force of nature. No one can chain her down. No one should be able to chain her down.
Everything feels so cold...
He thinks I think he is a burden. Maybe he is. So am I. Everyone is a burden. Depends on how much you are willing to- If I was like you are right now, you wouldn't even pick up the phone. You wouldn't even pick up the phone. He. Wouldn't. Even. Pick. Up. The. Phone.
Leave. Fire, leave. Dani, leave. You already have a foot out the door. Danica, fucking leave-
She feels frozen, her whole body numb, like a fire that has been completely doused with water. Her skin is dim, even the slight sizzle from her hair seems lessened. Was there ever a warmth to begin with? Did she imagine it all? How could you possibly be a force of nature when you can't even force yourself out the door? It echoes again, her own words: I am a fucking idiot. Yeah. I am. I don't even know how to listen to myself.
"Okay." Why am I still here? After this, you need to go. You need to be done. But is there a truth to his words? I'm not giving him a say in it. A choice. I'm just getting him help... It isn't for him or I'd give him a choice. What are you going on about? You aren't the one in the wrong.
Let him dig his own grave. You are not a safety net.
"Rowan. I think that you are sick." Her voice is such a whisper, she isn't even sure he can hear it. "What do you want to do about it?"
It doesn't matter what he says after. You finish this, Dani, and you are done. You have to be done or this will keep happening. You will get like this again. You'll feel cold again. "Or just tell me to leave and I will. That is your choice." Her body is just telling her how to survive and she can't stop fighting herself. Maybe I'm the one that needs help.
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Post by Rowan on Apr 3, 2021 16:10:24 GMT -8
"Fine, I'll talk to someone. I Sealed it already, remember? But it will be to a person of my choosing."
Where did he see this friendship going? Nowhere, fast. Maybe letting her walk out would have been the right move. "Now can we please go back to the part where something got into my Hollow? It's the more pressing issue for me right now."
There was no going back. Not after this. Relationships were built on trust, he knew that much. There was no trust, whether it was because of this sickness everyone kept talking about or because Rowan saw through her game, it didn't matter. He had grasped because she was there and willing to help when he was flailing for air. Now he wasn't drowning anymore, she was more of a dead weight. He had no idea what she wanted or needed, he just knew he didn't have the energy to give it. Hopefully Riley would be a better fit.
"So. Let's go look at my smashed phone."
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Apr 3, 2021 16:25:32 GMT -8
Don't you dare, Dani. I know it's dead. You don't have to tell me twice. It's my fault. No it isn't. Yes, it is. It's fine. I'll get over it. Then things will feel better.
She just walks back in, an air of something that is just not her, and nods. But it's fine. It'll be fine.
"Where?" Her voice is a level volume, but her expression just doesn't look one way or another. She'll follow wherever he points out.
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Post by Rowan on Apr 3, 2021 16:30:48 GMT -8
"My room. With the line of salt around the door."
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Apr 3, 2021 16:48:42 GMT -8
She nods, not saying a word, and walks with Rowan to his room where the line of salt is to investigate what it is all about. Trying to get a closer look at what they are looking at.
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Post by Rowan on Apr 5, 2021 14:13:07 GMT -8
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Apr 8, 2021 16:17:17 GMT -8
There is something about the way she feels entering Rowans room, something different than the rest of the Hollow. It's weird. It feels sacred, like a place she shouldn't mess with and that guts her a little bit. She begins second guessing herself. He does trust her... his outburst, that was just a momentary blip, right? And I overreacted? No. Dani, quit it. Focus. Reality is going to split in two again if you keep that up. But -No.
Fire forces herself to snap back and she looks closely at the phone, circled in salt. "Okay. So, pulled a standard supernatural on it. Salt and everything. Have you done anything else?" She takes a moment to try to use some Kenning, see what she can feel from it.
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Post by Krakenbox on Apr 10, 2021 23:36:53 GMT -8
To Firebringer, nothing is wrong with the phone.
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Post by Rowan on Apr 12, 2021 15:19:29 GMT -8
"I smashed the phone," he answered plainly.
Rowan watched as Dani fumbled around with what he assumed was a very limited understanding of the Occult - not everyone could be an Autumn scholar. He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to shake off the unease of having someone else in his space.
"As much as I'm dying to understand what happened, it wasn't really about that. I just-" A beat passed while the Darkling wrestled the courage to actually be open and honest for once. "I didn't want to be alone."
Most would find strange his tendency to compartmentalize and push down his own emotions to be looked at later, when it was safe. It was, however, something Rowan was exceedingly good at. Trying to understand why he felt a certain way got in the way of survival.
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Apr 13, 2021 15:57:29 GMT -8
The tired and dim Elemental stills and then just sits, nodding. She purses her lips as she tries to grasp for some kind of way to feel about that. Really, she didn't want to feel any kind of way about it, but this is a crossroads. Something perhaps final is happening today and it makes everything feel so pointed.
She swallows and then looks up at him and she doesn't have to read him to know he isn't lying. It isn't the kind of thing he'd lie about. For some reason, she almost wanted to check. A part of her keeps waiting for the flip to come back from him. He wants so much from me and I just can't give him what he needs. I don't have what he needs.
"You don't have to be alone, I-" Look at what you've been beaten into. I feel like ice.
"Rowan... I'm never going to be what you need or what you want me to be. I can be here for you, sit here with you, make sure you don't have to be alone, but-" she bites her bottom lip for a moment and then looks away, "I don't... I don't think we're friends anymore."
You drive me out, tell me my feelings aren't what's important, that looking at the phone is... and now that's not even important. All I do is give with you and when I need to let out my own feelings, when you make me feel a kind of way, I'm wrong for it and I'm making it about me.
"I think there are some things said today that I won't ever unhear."
Go ahead and say I'm making it about me. This isn't about me - this is about us.
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Post by Rowan on Apr 15, 2021 16:48:48 GMT -8
So that's where they were at. At least, Rowan didn't need to wonder about that anymore. He felt sad, somewhere deep inside, from the words Dani said.
So. They hadn't survived the wear and tear. He was left on his own. Push it down, now's not the time. you can cry about it when your hiding hole isn't compromise.
"Alright," he simply answered. He hadn't been enough. Too much hassle, not enough gratification. The walls of the Hollow pulsed, closing in with each beat. His options were dwindling with each passing moment. Maybe he should have been frozen out at Imbolc - would have save him driving everyone away himself.
"You're free to leave whenever you want. Help yourself to whatever in the kitchen."
It was fine. This was always how he survived - by relying by himself. Even considering anything else would was insane. Processing emotions, either his or her's, was too much for his exhausted mind. Rowan was an inconvenience, now that Dani had Riley to keep her afloat. He was just dead weight.
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Apr 15, 2021 18:14:09 GMT -8
Fire watches him closely, trying to get a sense of what he's feeling. For the first time in a while, she just can't... she doesn't know. Maybe he doesn't care. That's what his words suggest right? He doesn't look sad that she can tell. He also doesn't look accepting or happy either. Why does that hurt more? She doesn't like it.
"Can you try to show a thread of something so that I know for one second how you actually feel about something? I-" she pauses and purses her lips before shaking her head, "No, I'm sorry, I-..." Stop being sorry.
"I just can't feel like you're dangling friendship in front of my face anymore. It hurts. I'm literally hurting myself and I feel like you don't even care." She looks down at her dull, glowing hands. She looks like hell. He hasn't even cared enough to see if she's okay. She's too much effort. She's not good enough to be his friend. Not smart enough.
How is it that I can be the only person he can call and he makes me feel like this? Is it because I'm the only one who lets him treat me like this?
"I'm not going to leave you alone right now, you called and I said I would stay. Just... is there anything you need to talk about?"
Stop looking for reasons to forgive. I'm not, I... You need to worry about you first.
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Post by Rowan on Apr 16, 2021 14:50:24 GMT -8
"I'm doing my best to keep it together, Dani. You just called me crazy and insinuated that my Court was to blame. Oh, and that we're not friends anymore. I was hoping this could work, after the desert, I really did." Or was she expecting him to grovel and beg? To lose face and apologize, convince her to stay so he wouldn't be absolutely alone? Ugly cry, maybe?
Stop.
"I don't understand how I'm dangling anything in front of you. I told you why I don't open up already. Am I the best at explaining things? No, I'm not. But I never lied to you. What is it that you want, then? Because you never actually told me."
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Apr 16, 2021 15:40:11 GMT -8
"This literally has absolutely nothing to do with you opening up to me." Danica purses her lips, trying to relax, but it isn't working so well.
"How am I supposed to feel when you literally say to me that if I called, you probably wouldn't have even picked up the phone? Is that supposed to make me feel like you care about me? That line on its own tells me we aren't even friends to begin with."
"How am I supposed to feel when I exclaim worry for your mental health, for the second time, your response is to tell me to explain and I only get that chance because we said we were starting over? How is that supposed to make me feel, Rowan? I told you that I wanted you to consider outside of your court, not because I was blaming them, but because you were just telling me about how you felt they were all keeping things from you."
Stop it. You're getting emotional. He's going to deny your feelings. Call you selfish again. Tell you that you're making this all about you again. He'll tell you that you don't get to be upset because you came here to help him and not the other way around. That inner voice was nice before, but it is far from keeping her together. In this case, it might be making it worse. It is just adding to it all, because it doesn't feel like it is going to be wrong.
"You don't even bother to look at me to see how any of that effects me. How is that supposed to make me feel? It makes me feel like you don't even care, that this is a one way friendship. My only job seems to be to help you, but you can't even stop for two seconds to look at me. My grasp on reality doesn't matter to you as long as it benefits you." A tear rolls down her face, sizzling as it does and she feels betrayed. She needs to be strong, not start crying. After all, when he confronts you about something and you start crying, you're making it about you. That voice was supposed to be helpful... it feels like it is stabbing her now.
"You want to know what I want? I want a friendship where I know that that person is going to have my back at the bare minimum of at least showing up for me. I want a friendship where that person can take two seconds to ask me if I'm okay. I want a friendship where I'm given the benefit of the doubt without being told that it's because we've got a friendship barely hanging on by a thread. The way you treat me isn't friendship - it's abuse."
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Post by Rowan on Apr 16, 2021 16:00:55 GMT -8
"What I said was 'I don't know if I would pick up', not that I likely wouldn't. I asked you to explain why you were dragging my Court into this. Of course they keep secrets, it's Autumn. But that has nothing to do with mental health."
He was trying his damnedest to untangle what Dani was telling him. This was why he hated getting emotional - it blurred words, and memories, and actions, tailoring them to whatever one was feeling at the time.
"I'm not a good person, Dani, no matter how hard I try. I don't know how you see it, but that's the bottom line. I don't open up to just anyone. I don't call just anyone for help. And I certainly don't give just anyone a second chance."
"You say I don't have your back. Because I didn't almost drown in the Hedge for you. Or fought off a killer FBI agent." He took a deep breath to steady himself. "I don't regret it, that's not the point. But you can't keep comparing me to others, because I'm not them. I can't fit into a neat little box for easy labelling. All I ever wanted was for you to see me for me."
Rowan turned to face her, the entirety of his insignificant presence shifting with him to regard her. "You're right, this can't keep going on. We can't keep going on."
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