Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Aug 14, 2021 23:10:23 GMT -8
In the midst of her crying, she's shaking slightly. She feels oddly cold, like the feeling you get when a fever begins to break. Yes, she has closed herself off, keeping herself like this to keep warm. Not a physical warm, mostly, but a protective warm for her soul. She's never let herself be this kind of vulnerable before.
It's hard to think about Mitch's words, her head beginning to throb as the strain from the tears builds up in her sinuses, but she does move just a little bit. She can open herself up just a tiny bit.
She moves her left leg down from her chest, releasing that built up heat from being enclosed and the cold air feels like it's wafting around her. Her forehead rests on her right knee, tears still streaming, but not nearly at the heights it had been reaching before. At this point, everything just feels foggy.
"I don't see me when I look in the mirror anymore. Fuck. I haven't seen me since the morning before I got fucking lost. I got back and there's always been something off." Her voice is a hoarse whisper and she shakes her head before moving her face up to rest her chin on her knee, arms still wrapped around the leg, but just slightly more open than she was before. "I'm an Elemental. This body isn't even mine to begin with."
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Post by Mitchell Carr on Aug 15, 2021 22:55:03 GMT -8
An issue sometimes, that Mitchell had never grown used to, was when Changelings felt that their common experience meant that they weren't supposed to talk about it. Not out of a sense of shame, really—no one wanted to feel like they were adding to the collective misery, or open up to those only to be dismissed in one way or another. He was always surprised when someone like Rowan brushed off lost time, or felt their struggle proved an inherent weakness.
He wasn't here to mix cases—If things were going to blur, he was going to have to call it. The Dancer brushed the quiet distraction aside in the nanosecond it fogged his attention, watching Danica slowly unclench from her protective ball as she continued the thread of dysphoric self image.
"What do you see in the mirror? ...Can you describe what comes to mind?"
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Aug 16, 2021 7:08:28 GMT -8
The Torrent begins trying to wipe away her tears, slowly starting to come down from the sobs. A slight catharsis of having actually addressed something that has been semi-unknowingly bothering her. Of course, it did bother her, but she'd not wanted to face it. Facing it meant breaking down like this, but it's what she needed.
What does she see when she looks in the mirror? She had to think about that as she grabs a tissue, grateful that Mitch had put them next to her, and blows her nose. She takes a deep breath, letting it out, though not slowly. What do I see?
"I used to see two people," she starts before taking another deep breath as if trying to catch it. "The first person is some kind of strong force of nature. She is a literal fire, someone who can't be stopped. She doesn't look like me, but I want to be her. Then I see the shell and it's like that person is holding it all back. It feels like having skin that shouldn't exist, that's meant to be ripped away so that what is underneath can be released."
There is a little bit of a shaky breath, "Sometimes when I'm in the Hedge, I feel like I can hear a call telling me to drop it all and just... release that person beneath so she can live. I know it is just in my head, but... I don't know." She shakes her head and finally drops her other leg to the ground before looking up at the ceiling for a moment as she wipes away the rest of her tears.
"When I look in the mirror now, she's just not there anymore. I'm just the shell." After a moment, she sighs, "It feels ridiculous."
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Post by Mitchell Carr on Sept 8, 2021 18:54:39 GMT -8
The Dancer adjusts, "A unique problem we run into, Elemental or not, is that we're both at the same time. The fire and the woman? It's two sides of the same coin, that a lot of us have to accept in some form or another, and it's a constant balancing act as our environments introduce a change or new idea. We're always evolving, but then we have to rectify the other part of ourselves, because both halves are now walking as one."
He knew what he was hearing was a common issue with Torrents, but everyone was unique in their experience. "As you talk about seeing your Mask as a shell that's holding you back, can you explain why and how that is?"
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Sept 24, 2021 4:25:34 GMT -8
"My mask is holding me back because my mask isn't real. The skin isn't real. What used to be my hair isn't real. But then again, I guess who's to say it isn't real, right? We didn't think that fairy nonsense was real, did we? So why can't this be real?" She sighs and lets her arms fall to either side of her as she stares up at the ceiling. "Others were molded and they still have a semblance of their form. Mine was destroyed. Maybe there's also a little bit of bitterness about that."
Sometimes she feels like she can physically remember being burned, but she knows it must just be something her mind makes up. Something to make up for the gap in lost hallucinations. Yes, hallucinations, because that's all Arcadia was, right? It certainly what it feels like sometimes.
"I know talking about this in particular isn't going to really change anything. It is what it is at this point. But I think is the worst thing is that I just don't have that confidence anymore. I think I had it for a little while when I got out, being part of a court, feeling like you belong to something. Purpose. It feels like every bit that I am has changed so much that I don't even know what to do with it anymore. So I look in the mirror and I see my mask and it is just one more thing that screams 'wrong' to me. You know? It's just one more thing."
Something occurs to her then, "Maybe I just need to find a missing piece. Or just, find something that reminds me of who I am now. Maybe."
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Post by Mitchell Carr on Sept 24, 2021 17:29:51 GMT -8
Mitchell never considered himself particularly intelligent, and often struggled with digesting academic texts or grasping nuanced ideas that he couldn't immediately relate to his own situation.
One thing that always stuck, however, was Snow's recommendation that the Fairest look at Critchley's idea of the self. Or at least the basics.
He listened intently to Firebringer's dismissal of her ideal self versus the Mask in the mirror, moving on to a more universal need—a purpose, that with context, allowed her to deal with her self loathing.
"That's just it—it's real to us. I'm not an expert like a professional occultist in Autumn, or- I know there's symbols we hold onto to keep us grounded in a more, like, literal way than mundane people... " Despite agreeing, he was really quite reluctant to punt a Lost on the trail of magical shortcuts... where they put their mental health down to a pseudo science of checks and balances. His Court was famous for it, really, where a tweak here and there wiped all one's grief and pain in a rally against the Keepers. With his Entitlement, Carr saw the other side of slapping Band-Aids on wounds that needed stitches and proper care.
"You identified your anchor as your sister, who you've been building a relationship with," he reaffirmed, "And there are journeys Changelings take to regain parts of themselves lost to the Hedge." The Fairest let it land, for Firebringer to maybe perk up as some hope was flashed in an igniting spark. He even smiled a bit himself with the idea that this was an option for their kind. "And I think it's a good opportunity for you to feel a sense of control over your life and identity. What I would also like you to keep in mind is that your current headspace will leave you more vulnerable to the Hedge, and you can't do this alone." He couldn't tell Firebringer why, it was just the rule of thumb he had been taught, like 'Don't Tell People Your True Name.' "That's not out of weakness of any kind, just that this is a choice we usually make with a motley to back us, even if it's just an Oath sworn for the purpose of empowering you for this task. Homework for that would be to put a team together you can trust: people who are of sound mind where they won't pose danger to themselves and the group. Trust that the people who really care about you will be happy to see you taking care of yourself over pleasing others. And only when you feel ready."
The Lost were infamous for twisting being left out of the group as something deeply personal, the fear of being left behind, alone or ostracized written into their very Laws and rituals. The warning to watch for her social group's codependency was advice he'd extend to anyone, especially with the Hedge and their safety on the line.
Their time only had room for another topic, but he wanted to stay on the thread of Firebringer's struggle with her self image. "Going back to how you describe the Mask—considering it fake. I want you to consider what we tell ourselves when we escape—the Mask is a glamour, to protect us from detection; it's a lie that reality forces on us so we can exist in society again; it's not our true selves and a prison for what's real and beautiful.
Then ask the question of why it can't be us? It's a part of us, and we can't change it without powerful magic, and it shapes and effects our lives more dramatically than the mien. If it makes us dysphoric, we find ways to reveal ourselves among trusted people, where it doesn't have to be a constant skin. Why don't we treat is as a vital organ that we need to stay healthy?" His head tilts a bit, "You like applying makeup to it, and dressing it in interesting outfits. It lets you go to all sorts of fun events and interesting places. It lets you have an outing with your sister or your partner... Does it have to look like you? And if so, why is that?"
"The other thing I want you to take away is writing down and defining your ideal self. There's this philosophical idea that I think is really relevant. There's the bit that you experience, and then the ideal self—the person you should be. It's supposed to be, like, the source of your conscious, but coming with the baggage that it's also your internal critic. It assigns you moral rules. And because of that, it's never fully satisfied, and you can't really live up to those expectations. That's because it's supposed to provide an inner structure to keep you evolving and going forward. We're mostly acutely aware of that," he gestured, "...split...when we're ashamed. I'd like you to be able to identify where your inner critic is coming from, what voice you hear when it's criticizing you, and then we can put together some tools to start shutting that asshole up. I want that fire you see to be a source of motivation, rather than a source of harm."
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Sept 26, 2021 15:37:33 GMT -8
Fire listens intently and nods when he mentions her sister. Her sister, who she hasn't spoken to in nearly a week. Dani has been distant since Linden's death, well, just like she's been distant with everyone. It feels like that point was her breaking point. People have been understanding, but her sister is probably the last person she should be distancing from. Even though there is that fear inside that being near her is dangerous.
Mitch goes into the search and the dangers of it. Bringing along people though? She knew that was the best choice - even she wasn't naive enough to think herself strong enough to just enter the Hedge alone. It may be a place they can explore, but logically, it is the lands just before Theirs. Dangers are everywhere. She'd definitely need help.
It took, of course, all of two seconds to decide the first person she'd want to bring. The immediate second was like a swift punch to the gut. No, she couldn't bring them. They were gone. He's right, but this is more important than just homework. This calls into question who she genuinely trusts to help see her through this.
She's quiet as she thinks about it, but simply nods in a thoughtful manner, "I'll consider my options... I definitely would have a few people in mind. But I think this is what I want to do."
That's a whole other question. Would she bring Riley? Being an oathbreaker, could that affect her chances of finding a piece of herself? Would the Wyrd punish her again for it? That thought itself is rather terrifying. One supposes, perhaps it is all about timing. Maybe the timing is off there. Has the timing always been off?
The conversation steers back toward the mask and mien and it gives her another slightly sickly feeling, bringing back a taste of what she was feeling just a couple of minutes before. She knows he's right. She knows it logically, but it doesn't feel that way.
"I'll... do my best." Digging deep and trying to figure out where that inner critic is coming from? Figure out the source and shut it up? Yeah, that sounds good. She knows it'll never quite be that easy, but it would be a start in the right direction on that front.
"The sooner we can shut it up the better, but I accept it won't be that easy or that quick." Her mind is already racing looking for answers. She knows the best course of action for her would be to sleep on it, take a few days to go through the motions and mark down things that are significant like she's been doing, but it's always hard to be that kind of patient.
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Post by Mitchell Carr on Sept 26, 2021 20:48:42 GMT -8
Mitch nodded, finally drinking some water and silently chastising himself as he realized how much chattering he was doing. Firebringer didn't seem to be losing a platform, or was at risk of being actively talked over? It was probably time to call it for today.
"Awesome. No pressure, though, if you find you aren't able to make the time or keep forgetting we'll just look for another method that's useful for you." He offered a gentle chuckle as he took out his phone, "Okay, schedule..."
Ouch.
He only blinked, before looking back at Firebringer. "Was showing up here invasive? I didn't want to put a follow-up off anymore than a few weeks." He knew she had lost her job before, and was unsure about her finances allowing for priority with the likes of the Real Therapists. Asking the Elemental to hit him up at his work was decidedly a desperate arrangement he knew wasn't ideal or professional.
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Sept 27, 2021 17:58:10 GMT -8
Fire shakes her head at Mitch's question. Invasive? Not really, no. Why would it be? Because it is his place of work? She doesn't really ponder on it too long, "Nah, this is fine. Kids were cute." They were. Moms looked potentially scary, but that's mainly because she remembers Talia's first dance lessons. Dance moms are crazy.
"I really appreciate you meeting with me Mitch. It... it really helps."
She feels more grounded after meeting, like she has a kind of direction. Everything she does is her choice, but there are more visible doors that she can take now. That in itself is a bit of relief.
She stands then, recognizing they've reached the end of their session. As she stands, she realizes just how tired she is. The crying took something out of her and she'll need to get decent rest before she tackles people watching at the Denny's later. People watching and thinking about who she might trust to take with her on an adventure through the Hedge. Trust both to get it and to be strong enough to handle it. She wishes her list wasn't as immediately short as it feels.
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