|
|
Post by Mitchell Carr on Aug 9, 2021 10:08:29 GMT -8
When Firebringer had first met with Carr, he had given a general rundown of his Entitlement's function, as well as be completely transparent that he had been trained by clinical counselors, but nothing in the way of true certification or mundane paperwork. He also offered to put glamour on her privacy, with basic parameters that he wasn't going to speak about what she divulged unless it put the Spring's own Freehold Oath in danger. They had also worked out whether the Elemental wanted future wiggle room if she ever wanted the Bishop's help in reaching out to other members of her community, which would force Mitch to apply some context to the conversation to make any headway. Pledges required give and take, so he installed it as a Promise.
Thus far, the Bishop had not demanded anything for his services, which Firebringer had learned wasn't the norm with the organization. He did keep her on a specific schedule with boundaries, like what an "emergency" was to contact his personal number. The general beats felt like an average counseling session with the added context one wouldn't get with a mundane doctor, though Mitchell was more personable due to the nature of his Seeming, and ran it more like a hangout and a conversation. Whenever Firebringer felt nervous that he wasn't really taking note and behaving more like a rental friend, he offered his short hand from the records he kept after each meeting.
The business was posh for how hidden it felt, nested in the upper floor of larger establishments. There was no signage to indicate its existence, beyond reserve parking with the company's initials. The wide tinted window was an expensive view of Henderson, with an electronic shutter and studio lighting for when the distraction was effecting feedback. Usually when Danica arrived, there was some busy fanfare of vehicles trying to escape, but today there weren't any spots left. Opening the door to a gaggle of well-dressed women in glittering jewelry, professional makeup, and chattering Spanish confirmed that Carr was running overtime. They blinked at the Elemental but were very friendly and welcoming as they swapped to English, asking her if she was an instructor or Marie's new nanny—the last one infamous for being late. When it was confirmed she was an associate of Mitchell's, hooting jokes in multiple languages about private lessons, and more than a few levelled glances of threat-assessment were thrown her way. It would have been socially intimidating, but the Changeling to feel the harmless jealousy and competition resonate with her Court in a Harvest. Nearly all of them had impressive rings to indicate they were taken.
The wave of adolescents to teenagers poking their mothers, aunts and older sisters for afternoon hangouts and weekend plans broke purgatory, with Mitchell weaving and dodging requests to go over performance and feedback. He was far more brisk and confident among humans, with the Arcadian Crown standing out as much as the marble skin and glittering scarification. He even bulldozed complaints about him running nearly thirty minutes late by spinning manipulative anger into shared laughter and compliments. It was strange to watch—for once, Mitchell Carr actually looked and acted his rank. A few of the youngest (around eleven or so) posed for Danica, asking for a picture and showing off a bit even as they were hustled into proper shoes and out the door. The quiet was a hard shift.
"Sorry about that," Mitchell offered, running a hand through his hair as he watched the door for a beat. As predicted, a teen rushed popped in, apologizing as she grabbed her purse from the change room. Another beat passed and he locked the door.
"Want a coffee?"
|
|
Firebringer
.
Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
|
Post by Firebringer on Aug 9, 2021 16:56:46 GMT -8
Awkward would be a word for it. Standing it that waiting room, waiting for Mitch to be done with lessons. Everyone was lovely and nice, of course. Ish. Some of those moms seemed to be giving her a side glance, but it just kind of rolls off of her. Still, being in a room with a bunch of moms is a giant pile of meh. Maybe it was because of her own relationship to her mother before things went wrong.
When the children come out and start asking her to take pictures of them, she simply does so. Doesn't hurt to be nice, especially given they'd all leave faster if she did what they wanted.
The mothers and their gremlins depart and she feels a small sense of relief. Mitch apologizes and she shakes her head, "It's-" a teenager briefly pops back in, "fine." They leave and she clears her throat a little.
"Oh, uh, no thanks. I've been trying to avoid too much caffeine." Unlike the alcohol, right? Oh fuck off. "I'll take some water though if you don't mind." She's been doing her best to drink more of it even though she hates it. It drives her a bit mad, but she's gotta do it.
Honestly, she's been trying everything those freaks who say you just need to do 'xyz' and you'll stop being depressed. She's exercised a little bit - nothing real, just walking outside on nice days. She tried yoga and hated it. Less caffeine more herbal tea and water. She's finding she hates the leaf juice, but water is more tolerable. She refuses to try crystals though.
"How've you been?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Mitchell Carr on Aug 9, 2021 18:27:00 GMT -8
Mitch hands her a sealed bottle from the minifridge, considering the question.
"Um. Busy...is how I'd describe it," he said, genuinely thinking on it and weighing what was appropriate. "I didn't mean to put you in a position like that. I sometimes get...stuck...when things are crazier than normal with the Freehold and it backs everything up. Super annoying," he chuckled around his own drink.
"What's been going on with you? I know you planned on meeting with some Summers and other court connections to ask what inspired them."
|
|
Firebringer
.
Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
|
Post by Firebringer on Aug 9, 2021 20:48:17 GMT -8
Danica nods, but doesn't wave off his apology like she normally would. Trying to find a balance with that. She takes the water and twists the cap open before walking over and taking a seat where she usually does for their discussions.
"Met up with Rowan and actually had a decent conversation with him. No yelling or crying, which was nice for a change. He explained his view on Fear, which was interesting. It's weird thinking about fear itself, what it might mean to me. What all the different court emotions can mean to a person. I'm trying to do my best to be more introspective, but it's hard trying to find the words to describe it all."
"I spoke with Kai about Wrath too. She says my views are very Summer in how I experience it. But is that all it is? I don't even know if that's why I do what I do. Do I run off into battle without a second thought because of my connection with wrath or is it because I'm afraid of-" she shakes her head. "I think I'm just confused. It might really just be in my head. Maybe I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be." She shrugs.
"Sorry. I probably sound like that meme of the dude with the vision board that's got all the red lines and shit. Or the one with the blonde lady and the math equations." Memes were probably the easiest way to describe her feelings at times. Something she uses often when she can't find the words.
|
|
|
|
Post by Krakenbox on Aug 9, 2021 23:10:57 GMT -8
Mitch nodded, head tilted as he listened and glanced out the window. He had gotten into the new habit of looking away on occasion, with a few of his clients a little unsettled by the new, unblinking marble.
"That's a lot of progress, Firebringer, even if it probably doesn't feel like it. Learning about what makes the Courts turn can benefit everyone in finding some balance. They go deeper than just an emotion, which I think you'll start picking up."
He wasn't sounding condescending, just not looking to spoonfeed information she wasn't asking him for. The excuse to explore and socialize was part of expanding her world a bit and giving her social options that weren't so codependent.
"You know you're allowed to be baffled when it's new, right?" he joked, thankfully understanding the reference.
"Mmkay, so..." he sighed, working out his hands as he ran over basic points with an overall picture. His digits flexed further than they should have, now that he wasn't tracking mundane attention. "We have a few options here. I can run a few Contracts to see how we're doing with anchors in reality, and see if that's causing you some problems. I can make some general recommendations from there. We can also just talk about what you want to talk about, and if there's anything you feel is important to mention. Habits or behaviors that don't feel like the norm or is healthy for you... Or we can focus on how to build your identity back up, like when we went over last time that constantly compromising our needs for others starts to erode our feelings of self worth."
It all tied together, really, but he liked giving options to Torrents to set them on a track he could anticipate.
|
|
Firebringer
.
Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
|
Post by Firebringer on Aug 10, 2021 11:48:30 GMT -8
Fire rolls her eyes a little at his joke, but it's in a playful manner. She listens carefully to his suggestions and she bites her lip a little. The last time she had someone poke at her psyche with contracts, she wasn't ready for it. She wanted to grieve for Triss and hurt, even supernaturally, for her. But then, he isn't saying he's going to fix anything. Yet, she's ready for this bullshit to be over. To be who she was again.
That little voice in the back of her mind reminding her that she'll never be the old Firebringer again.
"I..." She starts, but isn't entirely sure what she's actually going to say. She lets out a sigh and then says, "If contracts will give you a better idea of exactly what's wrong with me, then we can start there." She swallows. They've been talking for a few sessions now, so maybe it is time for a little Lost magic. Just see what's up. Maybe there is something more harming her.
She should at some point tell him she's been less than careful with alcohol, but then, it isn't like she's drinking to the point it is affecting work. That's a familiar story...
|
|
|
|
Post by Mitchell Carr on Aug 10, 2021 18:05:00 GMT -8
The Fairest nodded, turning his head back to really look at Danica Allred. 
Mitchell went rigid as his eyes teared and the spectrum of a prism tore across his vision, dropping the water bottle from the surge of information. He swore quietly as his fingers snapped reflexively. With his free hand, he rubbed the metal spilling from his eyes, as if he had been pepper sprayed with gold. Throat clearing, he bent to pick up the bottle in a practiced motion.
"Okay, that hit harder than it was supposed to," he admitted, and voicing he was more taken by surprise than anything to be worried about. Missing the bottle in his fractured vision, he had to repeat the movement, starting with the sharp snap in a ritualized sequence. The shine on his hands faded with the Contract, allowing himself to think on it for a moment as he pressed his knuckles to his lips.
"So, you're actually pretty self aware what's wrong," which was pretty good for an Elemental, "where things have been...dislodged? But you can get it back, either by finding your will and asserting it completely over your environment again, or quite in the literal sense where I can talk to you about Icons..."
His head titled, regarding her, "Bear with me—I'll circle back—you remember that card game we played where I was using another Contract? I asked for you to muse a bit on what you were wanting to protect, and who you considered 'family.' Have you come up with something?" He didn't seem to be bothered by the hairline cracks that had formed along his hands.
|
|
Firebringer
.
Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
|
Post by Firebringer on Aug 11, 2021 19:19:34 GMT -8
Well, it's validating to know she is self aware enough to recognize things like that.
Fire nods, "Yeah." She takes a moment to formulate her thoughts, thinking on that conversation she had with Kai about the same topic. "I want to protect people who are being taken advantage of, whether knowingly or not. The naïve who just don't know better. Or, maybe they do but just can't change. But then, I guess that would mean they don't really know better." She shrugs.
"I also want to protect the people I care about and the people of our Freehold, but I know that's kind of a broad spectrum. I don't know that I can do it by fighting though, not really. Or at least not just by fighting physically." She shakes her head a little, "There are other ways to fight." Other ways to fight for the safety of our people. Speaking, leading? Her mind is still sitting on it.
"Family for me is a very specific group of people. I feel like I have a lot of people who like me and a lot of 'friends', but I have very few that I would call family. Riley, Lucas, my sister, Talia." She kind of pauses, "Linden was family. We survived the desert, the hedge..."
And if I had been just a little bit stronger, maybe we could have survived the horror of reality now together. She lets out a breath through her nose in an almost sigh like fashion.
"Family is a weird word for me. Up until coming back, it was just Talia and I. My parents were..." she sighs. Not wanting to go too deep into it, "I never tried to bring people into my life like family until I escaped. In Baltimore, I was a different person. I was more extroverted, tried making all the connections to people I could. Maybe it was just my way of overcorrecting. I got here and it's like that façade just vanished. Good thing, but makes it harder to just... I don't know, force myself to see people? Force myself to upkeep relationships. I've always been bad at it."
And right now, it doesn't help that she and Riley are in a bit of a rough patch. Her deepening friendship with Lucas doesn't help at all, of course. Talks of forming a motley, being a more familial team - it's something she can feel that she's craving, and more importantly that it's something that feels right for once. She isn't trying to force it. It's just happening. But the consequences?
"It's easy with Lucas though. There's no expectation for a text and hanging out is just simple. It doesn't require energy. Riley I actively choose, even when it gets hard. We come from different worlds and sometimes the differences can fuck with us, but it's worth it. My sister is my sister. The fact that she's even talking to me now is... amazing."
|
|
|
|
Post by Mitchell Carr on Aug 11, 2021 21:04:20 GMT -8
Mitch seemed genuinely excited about Firebringer's points, lights flashing from his Mantle as he grinned before schooling his expression to something more professional.
"That's great though! I mean- okay, so, you value social justice and you're actually in a position it exorcise that passion. I totally agree. Lots of mundane issues have grown over time where Lost need education in power dynamics, because they're so used to seeing themselves as powerless." He paused to make sure he wasn't going too off kilter. "There's different ways to help and protect people, and a lot of the Summer court feel powerless when the physical fight stops, sort of like what...veterans go through. You have peers, Firebringer, who get taken advantage of: lots of Ogres and fighters who get drafted as violent entertainment or criminal enforcers, so they feel like they're useful and valued. Tons if space to engage your values once you've taken time for yourself."
The Dancer slid a few ballet shoes back into the right cubbies as he chattered.
"It's really not a weird word? A lot of us have stories of found family and because it's core to your connection to feeling...well, you...the fact that you can extend the idea to non-relatives who look after you gives your more opportunity to reconnect with your sense of self. Sorry- it's hard to describe insight with the Contract. Umm, and really, being picky about it is a good thing. You should hold who you pick as family in high esteem because you're worth surrounding yourself with that kind of love."
He crossed his arms, thinking for a moment. "Are you getting validated? Like, from how you describe it it sounds like everyone is propping you up."
|
|
Firebringer
.
Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
|
Post by Firebringer on Aug 11, 2021 21:57:53 GMT -8
Mitch always has a way of making her feel validated and appreciated in her thoughts. Each bit of progress is celebrated and if it were anyone else, she'd probably feel like they are being fake, but Mitch is so much more genuine than most people.
Propping me up? She considers that a moment.
"Sometimes I feel like a lot of the things being said to me are coming from a fake place. I dunno. Maybe not fake. Well meaning, but just like, I don't need it and it isn't helping? It felt so awkward going through that stage where some people felt the need to give condolences like they know me or knew my relationship with Linden, you know?"
She lets out a breath in a little sigh, "In the same vein, but a bit different: Archie called me to dinner and started going on about moving on and living our life and it put a really bad taste in my mouth. I think it was less for me and more for him, which I get, but it wasn't validating, it felt like being talked at. I felt bad being as terse as I was with Riley there, given... you know, they lost part of their family." She tries to relate that. Sometimes remembering other people's relationships with each other gets difficult.
"Kai is genuine and while we aren't super close, she does put in a real effort. She really made me feel like I wasn't stuck in a bottomless pit recently, which was a really nice change for once. Gave me some ideas."
"So, I don't know that it's an everyone thing. Maybe. Or maybe I've missed your point." She looks up at him, making a slight confused face.
|
|
|
|
Post by Mitchell Carr on Aug 11, 2021 22:46:05 GMT -8
"Hm? No, you haven't," he said, clarifying she wasn't misunderstanding.
"You're picking up on the fact that people are feeling awkward about their shock and wanting to do something nice for you by showing concern. You're not there to be grateful or thank them, and if it's actually selfless they'll understand that? That's generally why we have funerals, though, so you're not swarmed by people looking for an outlet for what they're feeling. Communities need a platform to express themselves, so, you feeling like a bit of a prop for their grief would make sense. They're well meaning, though. Or else they would get mad at you or not bother at all. And if they did, well, they can go fu- that's not your problem." He laughed at the self correction.
The Dancer nodded at the mention of Archie, looking up for a moment as his expression fluctuates. "He's preaching a Spring philosophy and leaning on advice that he's learned helps his peers succeed. Human and the Court. It can also be his personality too as a fixer, where he...wants to offer a solution to show you he cares. He would be struggling a bit with what's been going on in the Freehold and it would affect his approach. He might not have had the chance to learn empathetic skills, because his world is about shielding yourself from those who would take advantage of softness. I'm sorry you weren't heard. I don't think he's in a place to be there for you in that way. But I bet if you asked him to help with a project he can get his hands on, he would be really excited to prove that he cares. As friends making something together. Not a business transaction, though."
It was a soft warning, but Carr had a lot of context to Hartman's issues. Normally he wouldn't encourage continued engagement, but Riley was her partner and therefore he would be in her life.
"You're allowed to be snippy and terse. People can give you the room your spirit is demanding. The only time it's a problem is when you're getting so overwhelmed, you're about to say something that can't be unsaid. Even if it's in your head to yourself?"
He did make a mental note to broach how her family may have created the foundation for her fragile self esteem. Right now, though, digging into the past when she had such a fresh wound was likely going to make her feel more powerless until she had a proper outlet to express how she's been wronged.
|
|
Firebringer
.
Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
|
Post by Firebringer on Aug 11, 2021 23:34:18 GMT -8
Firebringer can't help but snort a little at Mitch's correction. Listening to him talk about Archie makes her sigh a little bit. She knows. At least, she knows somewhat. She always knew that what he was preaching was entirely Spring and he was coming from his own perspective. In fact, she might have even said as much. When she reflects on it more, she also recognizes that she doesn't remember much of the conversation except for a lot of what made her upset. Maybe that's something else to consider.
"I'll consider that," she says before moving a hand to run her fingers through- oh right. Sometimes she still forgets it's just her head unless she remembers to put a wig on. Tonight was not one of those nights. That feeling of not touching hair gives her a sinking feeling. Maybe she should have worn a wig.
"That time I didn't get to that point. Thankfully. I dunno, I feel like I used to talk back a lot more, but once I get to that tipping point, I just shut down and everything goes silent." It's how she's always been. It was just easier to shut up than to keep going and get it out. She'd get it out other ways, like fighting in the ring or screaming into a pillow later. Running. Throwing herself into the pool over on 5th late at night just because she could get away with it and it made her feel like she had some semblance of power in her life for once. "Sometimes I guess I just walk away too..." she grips the ends of her long shirt, looking down a little. "At least, lately."
Lately? No. It's what she's done her whole life. Walk away from finding mom passed out on the floor, ignore dad yelling at her for shit that was his own fault and take it out on something else later. There were few times in her life she actually just straight fought back because she knew the consequences of doing so. She fought when she had to and took a seat and just dealt with it when she could.
|
|
|
|
Post by Mitchell Carr on Aug 12, 2021 11:30:10 GMT -8
Mitch watched the hand drift to her scarred mien, and freeze. "Is walking away your choice, or are you wishing you could do something different?"
Self-disclosure probably wasn't something Snow would be stoked on him utilizing, but there was a certain amount of freedom to identifying as a Bishop over anyone's doctor. "I sometimes have to self reflect on when aggression is appropriate? Like, when I escaped I never really cared or focused on the fact that I carried the Sword from Arcadia, and when I got into tense situations, I was way more adept at putting people in their place than I realized." He blinked, careful with his word choice but getting to a point.
"It was like, uh-" he gestured, trying to think of an example, "You see yourself as an awkward theatre kid, then suddenly you manifest an X-Men power in an argument. Some Matrix shit. It felt like I was programmed into an algorithm, but I can't just wave my hands and say it's instinct or my Keeper's fault, because that just gets people hurt. So, I fell back on what made sense to me... and made a whole promise that I would never hurt anyone ever again. But, you know, funny thing is, we're fairies now? Prayer and promises to a higher power is immediately there and locked in," the Dancer chuckled, exaggerating his wince, "It was really harsh of me to put that kind of pressure on myself, and it caused a lot of problems I'm still working on undoing. Lots of learned behaviours and beliefs. I rejected that aspect of myself and obsessively checked the mirror every morning, looking for clues that I was slipping and losing what made me what I was supposed to be, rather than what the Fae decided I was now. I had this nightmare that I'd wake up and I'd look like a machine or a soulless automaton. Then one day I couldn't see my eyes anymore, and I thought I had done something to earn that."
Carr sighed. But he didn't seem to drop in his mood, just serious. "So, what I'm getting at, is that feeling of losing control of our choices to present and exist. You chose to sacrifice your hair to help all of us, but was it a choice? Like, were you feeling true to yourself when you decided to do that for everyone at the cost of your own body? And if you were, what's causing you to hurt right now?"
|
|
Firebringer
.
Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
|
Post by Firebringer on Aug 12, 2021 13:34:17 GMT -8
She knew walking away was always a choice, but sometimes it just felt like her body did what it did. When you shut down, what else are you supposed to do? She listens to Mitch and she feels an instant connection to what he says. It's like when she joined the Recovering Murderhobos. She never wanted to hurt anyone innocent ever again. She recognizes now that it isn't always that easy. And then that feeling of losing control, agency over your own actions or what happens to you. It made something well up inside of her, a kind of sad sympathy.
Mitch asks his last question and suddenly it is like a dam breaks open. The Torrent begins to sob, mad tears running down her face like an old wound had just been slashed open. But it never did close, did it?
"What else was I supposed to do? What else could I have possibly given?" Her voice is louder, barely contained through the rough breaths of her cries. "Rowan gave purpose, Kai gave a precious possession, Linden mutilated themselves, Ben, an eye... All I had was my hair."
Her voice is soft and hoarse then, and she swallows, trying to catch her breath, "It was the only thing that made me feel human." a slight wheeze, "All I am is crackled skin now. I-I'm sprouting horns and I can't even hide them." It's barely there, but if one did look closely, there were just slight bumps at the edges of her forehead. Something she hadn't noticed until recently. "I feel like I'm falling back over and over again towards whatever I used to be back there and I'm terrified." Whatever she used to be. She has no idea. She thought she was just a furnace. Was she more?
She brings up her knees to her chest then, in an attempt to cave in on herself. It was just too much. "I used to cry about the frizz, feeling like wire and snapping off randomly, and I regret it."
"But I had to do what I had to do. If I didn't do something then someone else would have to pay the price. I didn't have a choice, or at least it didn't feel that way." She sniffles again and her voice is hoarse, "It was all I had."
"It was all I had..." It's barely a whisper as she sits there, hugging her knees close to her chest and hiding her face.
|
|
|
|
Post by Mitchell Carr on Aug 14, 2021 21:50:50 GMT -8
The Fairest moved to sit down next to her, placing some tissues within reach but not interrupting or making any sort of signal that she should stop or suffocate the emotion. He waited a long time, not interrupting her pain but staying present.
"...I've noticed that as you're crying you're sort of," he brought an arm close to his chest, "Closing off and hiding your face. If you want to, I'm letting you know that you don't have to hide what you're feeling...if you're up to it."
|
|
