Post by Riley Sorsa on Jul 18, 2021 9:27:49 GMT -8
liberosis
n. the desire to care less about things—to loosen your grip on your life, to stop glancing behind you every few steps. To let it all go.
[Text] We need to talk. ASAP
The phone feels heavy to me like it's being pulled towards the asphalt. No, my hands are weak. It's that feeling, ya know, where you can't even make a fist? It went wrong so fast, not now. Not another one. In front of Chungunkin...Linden, Archie.
[Text] Lucas, you know why.
[Text] Txt me when you get this.
I feel their eyes on me. They're by the car waiting as I pace up and down the parking lot. My skin crawls as I go over what happened, repeating the words in my head again and again and again. It was an accident, a simple accident. I don't deserve this.
The phone begins to ring, its digital melody screaming in my ear. Why won't he pick up? Holy shit, that's so many rings. Lucas picks up the damn phone. Pick. It. Up.
Voice mail.
"Lucas, I know how this looks-feels. Call me"
I try again. Voice mail.
"I get you're mad. But ya need to hear what I have to say"
I am starting to spiral. It's a thing I do. My mind begins to race downwards, my thoughts like racing cars. I start catastrophizing. The worst part is I know I do this, but I can't shake this undeniable feeling that I realize the truth.
"Just tell me a time and place. Then, we can fix this."
Why me? I knew it was a bad idea; I can only blame myself, right? Hell, this oath should have been done with. He had already contacted Eurydice he-
It starts to dawn on me. He didn't need me. He could do this all on his own. So why drag me into this? As a matter of fact, why didn't he just disband this oath last we met? He could think of. Instead, he said he was going to help me? Why? Why do that and still hold me to secrecy?
"Stop fuckin' around. CALL ME!"
Did he mean for this to happen? I was bound by secrecy; I couldn't even advocate for myself. I spoke for myself to help solve the wrapped this such oath in., and THIS HAPPENS. Is this revenge? What's his fucking angle. Am I so gullible for information? God, why did I think I Could trust him.
"What the fuck Lucas. Talk to me, you horse shit coward."
I am home; Archie and Linden dropped me off. I can't tell them yet; I want to. I don't know if I can yet. I wanna call Dani, tell her too, but I cant. She has so much on her plate I just-
Why did I trust him? That damn sad boy act, ' I wanna help,' ' I am thinking of the big picture', The ass hole pulled me into his schemes, as he worked against Zhi. Can I tell Chungkuin?
The Wyrd is bullshit.
It's not like Lucas talks about. He mutters about it being some Buddhist, Jedi holy dribble. It guides us! It brings balance! The Wyrd provides. Fuck off, Lebowski.
It's not like that. It's heartless. A void of cruelty, lacking any morality, any justice. It's vindictive, manipulative, hell, I don't even know if its self serving. I don't think it works like that. It doesn't have wants or needs. It's a fucking reminder, a reminder we can't escape no matter how far we go.
My hands are bleeding. How'd that happen. Is that blood on the floor? Shitshitshit.
Its wine. Thank god, it's just wine. There's glass everywhere, strewn across the floor. I am too tired to clean this shit up. I just wanna sit down, hope this is a nightmare, hope it's just another panic attack, hope that I am just losing my fucking mind. I am crying again. This isn't worth my tears; he's not worth my tears.
My phone is nearly dead. I don't know what to do, what I can do. I need to know my options.
Is this what you want me to learn? Is this your lesson wyrd? A cold reminder that there is no justice or order to all of this. A reminder of my place? What's another broken oath? What's another judgmental stare?
You're used to this, Riley.
The phone feels heavy to me like it's being pulled towards the asphalt. No, my hands are weak. It's that feeling, ya know, where you can't even make a fist? It went wrong so fast, not now. Not another one. In front of Chungunkin...Linden, Archie.
[Text] Lucas, you know why.
[Text] Txt me when you get this.
I feel their eyes on me. They're by the car waiting as I pace up and down the parking lot. My skin crawls as I go over what happened, repeating the words in my head again and again and again. It was an accident, a simple accident. I don't deserve this.
The phone begins to ring, its digital melody screaming in my ear. Why won't he pick up? Holy shit, that's so many rings. Lucas picks up the damn phone. Pick. It. Up.
Voice mail.
"Lucas, I know how this looks-feels. Call me"
I try again. Voice mail.
"I get you're mad. But ya need to hear what I have to say"
I am starting to spiral. It's a thing I do. My mind begins to race downwards, my thoughts like racing cars. I start catastrophizing. The worst part is I know I do this, but I can't shake this undeniable feeling that I realize the truth.
"Just tell me a time and place. Then, we can fix this."
Why me? I knew it was a bad idea; I can only blame myself, right? Hell, this oath should have been done with. He had already contacted Eurydice he-
It starts to dawn on me. He didn't need me. He could do this all on his own. So why drag me into this? As a matter of fact, why didn't he just disband this oath last we met? He could think of. Instead, he said he was going to help me? Why? Why do that and still hold me to secrecy?
"Stop fuckin' around. CALL ME!"
Did he mean for this to happen? I was bound by secrecy; I couldn't even advocate for myself. I spoke for myself to help solve the wrapped this such oath in., and THIS HAPPENS. Is this revenge? What's his fucking angle. Am I so gullible for information? God, why did I think I Could trust him.
"What the fuck Lucas. Talk to me, you horse shit coward."
I am home; Archie and Linden dropped me off. I can't tell them yet; I want to. I don't know if I can yet. I wanna call Dani, tell her too, but I cant. She has so much on her plate I just-
Why did I trust him? That damn sad boy act, ' I wanna help,' ' I am thinking of the big picture', The ass hole pulled me into his schemes, as he worked against Zhi. Can I tell Chungkuin?
The Wyrd is bullshit.
It's not like Lucas talks about. He mutters about it being some Buddhist, Jedi holy dribble. It guides us! It brings balance! The Wyrd provides. Fuck off, Lebowski.
It's not like that. It's heartless. A void of cruelty, lacking any morality, any justice. It's vindictive, manipulative, hell, I don't even know if its self serving. I don't think it works like that. It doesn't have wants or needs. It's a fucking reminder, a reminder we can't escape no matter how far we go.
My hands are bleeding. How'd that happen. Is that blood on the floor? Shitshitshit.
Its wine. Thank god, it's just wine. There's glass everywhere, strewn across the floor. I am too tired to clean this shit up. I just wanna sit down, hope this is a nightmare, hope it's just another panic attack, hope that I am just losing my fucking mind. I am crying again. This isn't worth my tears; he's not worth my tears.
My phone is nearly dead. I don't know what to do, what I can do. I need to know my options.
Is this what you want me to learn? Is this your lesson wyrd? A cold reminder that there is no justice or order to all of this. A reminder of my place? What's another broken oath? What's another judgmental stare?
You're used to this, Riley.