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Post by Rowan on Jul 30, 2021 15:07:15 GMT -8
Rowan clicked his tongue.
"Yeah, well, that's not how any of that works. It's not window shopping, Dani." He was frowning all over again. "Desire, Wrath, Fear and Sorrow. We all have these Emotions. It's never been about which Court you want to join, it's about which Emotion resonates with you. Not everyone in Summer is a career soldier, just as not everyone is Autumn in a wizard. Before all that, the Emotion needs to make sense to you, and it's not something that someone can give you. My interpretation of Fear is mine, shaped by my experiences, even if it's similar to that of another Courtier."
"Why did you manifest your Summer Mantle?"
One step back to take two steps forward, or something.
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Jul 30, 2021 18:48:20 GMT -8
"I don't think you get what I'm saying. I'm not window shopping for anything." She sighs and lifts up her drink to her forehead, closing her eyes for a moment, thinking about his question.
"I developed a summer mantle because I thought that wrath resonated with me. But I'm finding more and more that that wrath I had isn't even aimed towards them, that anger was just to myself. Hating yourself, blaming yourself, it's not a sustainable rage. I'm worn out."
Worn out in so many different ways.
"I made the deal with Summer because it seemed like such an obvious choice. A fire elemental, an angry fire elemental, of course she belongs in summer.
"Maybe I'm wrong. That's why I need to find out. That's why I'm asking. I don't know what resonates at all anymore and I don't think it's just because of what I've experienced. Or I guess, maybe it is. Experiences change you, right? It's not because I'm barely a shadow of what I am. I-" She feels frustrated now, because it is all coming out wrong. She needs it to come out right because otherwise Rowan will be a dick and not get it again. She needs him to get it.
"Maybe I'm explaining this wrong. This is what it feels like: I am a piece of a puzzle and I think I belong to one picture and I almost fit, but there's just something a little bit off. One of my corners is just a little bit slanted and no matter what I do I can't force myself into the picture that I think I belong to. I am the right colors, I am the right size, I even look like the picture on the box, but I'm not supposed to be a part of that set.
Does that make sense?"
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Post by Rowan on Jul 31, 2021 15:27:33 GMT -8
"You keep saying these things as if they weren't true. Wrath did resonate with you, otherwise you wouldn't have manifested the Mantle at all." He was trying to be as reassuring as he could. "Whatever you're feeling now, which is totally valid by the way, doesn't make your pledge to Summer a lie - it was true at the time you made it."
Rowan shuffled on his chair to close the distance between them. "There's no easy answer to your problem and, honestly, I'm anxious because I could give you a straight up wrong idea. Like, I'm facing trial from my own Court, so it's gonna be difficult to be objective. But if it helps, I can tell you about how I see it."
"Where's the girl that gave me the hell I deserved? Chin up, soldier. We've made it this far, so this is no big deal, right?"
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Jul 31, 2021 22:21:03 GMT -8
His words are more reassuring than she'd expected them to be and there is something about his last words that just kick something in her. Just a little bit of fight that she hadn't felt in a while. Being told your feelings are valid just feels... nice for once. Just a little bit.
"I-" she sighs, "I just feel like I don't know much of anything anymore. You're not wrong there, it just feels every kind of wrong. But then, so does everything lately. I don't want to make you feel put out or uncomfortable if talking about it will do that to you. I could always just ask someone else, I just..."
She sets her cup down and looks at her hands for a moment, her fingers smoothing over the sides of the cup, "I wanted to ask you because we were friends once and I know or at least, I think I know that you'll still always give me the non-bs answer. You are direct and it's something I've always appreciated about you."
"So, I'd like to know how it feels for you, but if that's too much, that's okay too."
That little kick of energy, that fight, just tweaks her mood a little. She doesn't feel that sense of bubbling, crying emotion. She can feel a hint of a calm, thunderstorms quieting in her mind. Even if there isn't fight in her, fighting it to a normal, even if it is only for a moment or two, is good enough.
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Post by Rowan on Aug 1, 2021 6:21:32 GMT -8
"Just. Keep in mind that it's my personal opinion. Don't take it as the absolute truth.
Before being the Court of researchers and occultists, Autumn is the Court of Fear. The best way I've had it explain is that Fear is a line in the sand." With one clawed finger, Rowan drew a straight line in the condensation from his drink. "It keeps your enemies on the other side, keeps Normies from going where they shouldn't. If you strike fear into your enemies, you only need to fight them once, or not fight at all. Summer understands this too, with threats and violence. But how do you expect to threaten the Fair Folk with bodily harm when They barely have a concept of body? That's where we come in. Autumn doesn't study Arcadia and the Hedge for the sake of hoarding knowledge. We study them to threaten the very rules the Gentry play by. Think of it as the love child of a witches' coven and a peer-reviewed scientific community.
Autumn is the time of harvest, but you'll only get crops if you put in the work." Something was beginning to click in Rowan's head, some long rusted gear that had started to come to life with a groan. He pushed the thought aside. "It's also the time of longer nights and falling leaves. Winter knocks and Spring is never promised. Maybe it's because we work with Fear so much, but Autumn Courtiers tend to react to panic differently - it's less visceral, less flaily. We're still scared, mind you, it's just more articulated. We're always looking for the loopholes.
Because ultimately, Autumn is also the Court of Bargains. Arcadian magic is Contracts and we forge Oaths and Pledges. Give and Take. Perform the ritual, fulfil a promise and something will pay you back." He fell silence as the realization slapped him across the face.
"Shit."
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Aug 1, 2021 7:05:35 GMT -8
There is a sense in what Rowan says, something similar that she's said before about Summer. Summer isn't just about wrath, it is also about the eternal war. That's where she finds herself hung up. What is the point of fighting if there will never be an end? That they all will just die holding it back? But perhaps that is the purpose. Maybe she's just not looking at it right.
But the differences. Autumn strikes the fear, figures out how to hold them back in their own way, while Summer is that front line. Maybe? Maybe she should think again on what they others had to say when Aello asked. Did she ever become part of a court? She's never done follow up to know.
Something about the finding loopholes to get out of things reminds her often of how well connected the Autumns always seemed to be with their contracts. They are the best at making bargains, know what they're doing, what they're talking about. Well, the ones she's met. But many of them were also all Darklings and confirming information is kind of what they do right?
None of this feels like it fits with anything to do with her. What if he is right that she's just right that she's in the wrong place but she's lost her fight? If she gains back her fight, will she feel like she fits again? It confuses her even more. But what if she is wrong about that too? Confusion, perhaps even lack of drive sets in. What's the point? She could just stay like this when she feels better, right? She doesn't need to be stronger, maybe that's fine too?
But he also said to remember this is his view. What was my original view on Summer? Did I just lose it? Maybe I just need to find it again?
She listens further, putting her thoughts away for the moment. He gets to the end and says 'shit' and she has to analyze what he had just said before. What was the last line? Ritual, bargain, gaining something in return. They literally just went through a ritual... gone wrong? It did, people died and they don't even know what information was gained. But what if that was it? Either information gained or maybe something else, something tangible that they don't know about? Her mind begins running away with thoughts.
"Bonnie?" It's one word, but she thinks she knows the meaning. Maybe. She could be wrong.
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Post by Rowan on Aug 1, 2021 10:00:41 GMT -8
"Huh? No, it's... It doesn't matter right now." Rowan didn't want to shift the conversation back to himself.
"I wish we could talk about it. I figure it's the worst part, really, have to suffer in silence. Can't even explain to people why we feel the way we do."
"As for Bonnie... She's facing trial, same as me. Maybe she realizes she messed up, maybe she doesn't. It doesn't matter. I think- I think it's childish to shift all the blame to her. We didn't fight the pledge, not really. We didn't question the plan or anything. We should have known better. Should have done better."
"Another thing Autumn teaches is to face your fears, instead of burying them in other emotions. And I'm afraid we're all to blame."
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Aug 2, 2021 0:29:54 GMT -8
She nods, "Being able to talk about it," she sighs and looks down at her drink again, "I feel like we could actually support each other better. We can't really process it if we can't talk about it."
How many times had she thought about just breaking the Oath and dealing with the wrath from the Wyrd? Wouldn't that be better than being in this state of limbo?
When he expresses his fear, his very real feel, it is something she sympathizes with. Of course she would sympathize with it. It's why she's been so upset with herself. They didn't do anything, they just rolled over and because of it, two people are dead. Linden is dead because she, no, they, didn't say something. She wants to believe more that it was a team effort, but pushing that thought process is just hard.
"I wish I didn't feel it in my gut, but I know we all are. I could've said something, spoke up, but I was too eager to get this done. I wanted to see the results, hopefully something to help our Home. It seemed so important." She takes a small sip of her drink, almost done with it. "Is there anything I can do to help? With the trial, I mean. All being at fault doesn't mean there isn't a person the blame is rooted at. That root isn't you, Rowan." She knows it is unlikely, but she thought she'd ask.
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Post by Rowan on Aug 2, 2021 9:13:46 GMT -8
"Thanks for offering, but I don't think so. If anything, others meddling might make things even worse."
His voice dropped into a whisper once more, but not out of discretion. Rowan was scared, visibly so.
"You didn't see him, Dani. He's barely human."
He remembered the Fall meeting they had a couple of months back, and how little sense the King was making. Was that what was waiting for all Changelings? A connection to the Wyrd so profound that starts to lose its meaning? He stays quiet for a time, his eyes haunted by the possibilities and the memories.
Finally, he cleared his throat and looked at the Torrent. "I know I've been a dick, so really, thanks."
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Aug 2, 2021 13:39:52 GMT -8
Danica nods, letting out a little bit of a sad sigh. Maybe something in this one day might actually be salvageable. Bridges can always be rebuilt, that is, if they both change to do better. She knows she has changed, but maybe not for the better. She isn't sure yet. Things are still up in the air.
"Well, if you need to fight out any fear with some aggression, I'll be happy to kick your ass," she tries to make a little bit of levity there, giving a weak smile. Though, she doesn't know if she really has the strength to fight. Maybe just eat ice cream and cry? That sounds nice.
"I saw him once at the last Autumn Coronation... Maybe there is enough left in him." She wants to believe that. She doesn't want to have to fight a strong Wyrded freak of nature who might try to sentence something horrible on Rowan. He doesn't deserve it.
She offers another little smile at his semi-apology "I appreciate that acknowledgement. I kind of enabled it sometimes. Thanks for just brooding with me."
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