Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Aug 2, 2021 13:26:04 GMT -8
"That advice is really good. I appreciate you saying that to them. They need that to know they are who they are at the base of it all and while their court has changed, they haven't." Everyone has all of those emotions in them, right? They were Spring for a reason before they manifested as Summers. There will always been the Spring mentality within them, though their spirits grew a different kind of fire.
"I guess I internalize it. Sometimes it eats me, sometimes it fuels me. Probably because I'm the kind of person that pisses me off. Like, people who want to do good but are idiots while they do it."
No. That isn't quite right. She cocks her head to the side and makes a face before shaking her head, "Or- It's like this story in that anime Fruits Basket. There is this person and they keep giving away pieces of themselves - their eyes, their legs, their arms, until there is nothing left of them. And then what do they do? Fuck. I guess that's the Giving Tree too.
"These people are inherently good. I also think that those who have the most goodness in are the ones who are taken advantage the most. Sometimes they realize it and sometimes they don't. The ones that know, well, they just do it anyway." She sips her drink, trying to figure out how to phrase it. "I think I'm that person. They're the kind of people I both want to protect and hate at the same time. They should exist in the world, and they should exist to do the good they need to do, but I need them to do good and not be idiots about it.
"I make myself angry with the way I naturally act. I'm a defensive fighter, I choose peace and diplomacy over a fight, I give people chance and chance again even when they've taken every bit of me and more. Those are the people I can't stand, but I want to create a world where they aren't taken advantage of. Because we need those people. The world would suffer without them."
"So. I internalize my anger, experience it like an annoyed older sister, and with it, I try to protect those kinds of people, whether Lost or not." That might be the first time she's ever found a way to put that into words. Real words.
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Post by Kai Rose on Aug 3, 2021 13:40:39 GMT -8
"There's some stuff to unpack there that I think you need to think about. One sec."
Waitress. She placed the glass back on the table, letting the next drinks be placed before the server took any other orders and headed off. Once they were alone again, she continued.
"So. Your experience of anger makes perfect sense to me. It's Summer as hell. I bet if I went out into the ranks, I'd find a lot of people with a similar feeling because when you get right down to it, that's what our crew is about. We're tired of being scared. We're fed up with being taken advantage of. We're done with crying. We pick whatever battle we're up for, and boy howdy, do we fight it. Yours is protecting people who get used, and that's a great thing."
A pause.
"People who are givers are great when they're giving for healthy reasons. They absolutely deserve to be protected. Better yet, teaching them how to protect themselves is important -- but the healthy kind of giving has boundaries and limits."
She swirled the glass idly, considering how to put it.
"I don't think people who give everything of themselves are automatically good people. That's a fallacy. Some really are, but others... lots of very broken people give every piece of themselves and fail to prioritize themselves ever, and it has nothing to do with being good or just or kind. It has to do with trauma. Some do it for love. Others, for safety. It's a self-defense mechanism, but one that naturally has an end point and one that makes them vulnerable to being taken advantage of. While people shouldn't do that to them, there's also room to fix the coping mechanisms that needs to get done."
A finger found the table and tapped once, twice.
"Which leads me to our people here in Vegas. We've got a lot of people here who think they're the former, but who are actually the latter. For example, Mitch Carr is a lovely man, but he needs to grow a spine real bad before this crew takes him for every bit of emotional labor he is capable of and leaves him a husk. His purpose seems to be meeting the Desires of others above all, and I think we both know where that goes.
I think you can probably think about the people we know and think of various folks who are giving too much because they don't know how to set boundaries, and it's costing them. Maybe it has even hurt them, or killed them."
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Aug 5, 2021 14:18:56 GMT -8
So then, is that really all it is? Just those thoughts on anger are enough? To a large degree, a lot of what Kai says feels validating, but also confusing at the same time. She doesn't think she meshes the right way with Summer, but then maybe she does. Maybe it's all in her head. Well... of course its all in her head. But then, where else would she fit? She wouldn't. All she really can say for a definite is that she does not belong to Spring. Even though they have a natural inclination toward helping people. What if I don't actually fit anywhere? She has to shove those thoughts away again.
Kai gives her piece, unpacking her thoughts bit by bit and Dani listens, trying to take it in and consider applying it to her own thoughts if it makes sense. She talks about broken people and Fire takes a long sip of her drink. Did it always have to do with trauma?
Then she talks about Mitch and for a moment, Fire wants to get defensive, but she just doesn't know. She doesn't know Mitch like it seems Kai does to be able to say that. Or... Am I draining him too?
"I can definitely think of a few." Myself included. But "how do I even begin to fix that?" she hadn't meant to say it out loud. "Sorry, my brain, and I-" she sighs and finishes up her drink, waiting on her next one. "You're not wrong. I also make overgeneralized statements sometimes." She looks down at her drink.
"I mean, at the same time with it all, how do you fight burnout from it? Can you just let things go? Like, I can't even begin how to process how to do that." Maybe that's part of the problem. I don't know how to say no.
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Post by Kai Rose on Aug 5, 2021 14:50:33 GMT -8
"Fixing the systemic piece is a huge question, but fixing you... if you're looking for advice, my best advice is to get off the front lines for a bit and take care of yourself. You've been burning the candle at both ends. You've seen a lot of combat... a lot of injuries. You've earned the right to chill." She grinned at the point about over-generalization. "I think part of how I manage it is in the trade I picked? Because you can pick what you want to do. Like, not everyone's out on the front lines like you've been. I do intelligence work, mostly. Investigating scenes, running down leads, that sort of thing. Outside of training, I haven't been in a fight for a while. It means I'm not stacking injuries on injuries, physically or mentally. I don't have as much to let go, because I'm not in it all the time."
She gestured at Firebringer with her glass.
"You ever consider leaning into the leadership and training piece? Those speeches, that training you did for the regular folks, that sort of thing is valuable to our people, too. You have a ton of practical experience, the kind of thing a lot of young members of our crew could learn from before they get into the field themselves. You've seen the front lines. You know what they're like. Tips on what worked, perhaps some tips on what didn't... the kind of wisdom that comes from experience, you know?"
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Aug 6, 2021 20:43:18 GMT -8
Leadership, huh? A weird thought. The only way she has ever seen herself is as a warrior. Being the person taking lead in a squad, shore, but speaking to young recruits? But what if I steer them wrong? What if what I say gets them killed? That's terrifying. At the same time, isn't that what she does? Kai is right that it is one of her strengths. Maybe she could do it. Maybe would all turn out wrong. She knows that she wouldn't know until she tries. Little steps?
"Those kids need a rock and I think I'm a piece of glass right now. But maybe." It certainly was something to think about. She looks pensive, but tired. To a degree, she is worried that she'll look in the eyes of some of these younger Lost and she'll see the eyes that she sees when she looks in the mirror. Broken recruits with broken spirits.
"Maybe it's something I can ask Bastille about. See if he has any recommendations on that end. I definitely need a change. I don't know what it is, but it needs to be something substantial. Maybe getting off the front lines will be it."
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Post by Kai Rose on Aug 9, 2021 22:06:35 GMT -8
She reached out and gave the Elemental a friendly clap on the shoulder. "Think about it. No pressure. I think talking to Bastille is a great start. If he wants a reference, tell him to talk to me. I've seen you in action." Kai flashed a smile, leaning back in the chair as she settled in, comfortable. "You're going to be okay, Dani. You've got Riley. You've got your Court. And you've got me. Seriously."
Pause.
"I own a range now. You want to go work out some pissed-off, or are you digging the vibe here?"
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Aug 12, 2021 11:51:39 GMT -8
The sudden touch makes Fire tense a little, but she relaxes, letting out a little breath. "I'll definitely consider it. I just might need some time to think. I really appreciate you talking with and checking up on me though." There is a bit of a smile there and she takes a breath, "It feels good knowing I've got people in my corner. I guess sometimes the blinders make it feel the opposite sometimes."
"Thank you, Kai."
"Honestly, a workout might do me some good." And given how long it's been since she's really worked out, perhaps it is the better choice of the two. As nice as afternoon mimosas are. "I'm ready when you are."
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