Post by Eis on Jul 3, 2021 6:53:33 GMT -8
Things were changing for the Snowskin. At a pace she wasn't entirely comfortable with. There were reasons she kept to herself in Vegas. Reasons to stay out of the spotlight. Reasons to keep others at bay. Yet the more time she spent with others, the harder it became to keep everything 'professional'. She could never truly explain how terribly lonely her personal choice had left her. Out of sheer pride. What would revealing all of this to someone else mean for her? Nothing good. She'd be exposed. Vulnerable. She cultivated an outward appearance of being in control. A force to be reckoned with.
And let's not get started on how tearing down her walls would affect her wellbeing. Being alone, not relying on anyone else was comfortable for her. She understood her own strengths and weaknesses. She didn't have to worry about losing anyone else. But that wasn't really the case anymore, was it? No, Ellen. You can't seem to leave well enough alone.
First there was Lucas.
The Winter had managed to get under her skin - in a good way - so many times that she'd be a fool not to recognize that he was special to her. She'd worked with him, sought his counsel, and even enjoyed company. Alcohol, his personality and his good looks even seemed to remind her that she's a woman, whenever he's around. All of it was innocent, of course. Yes, she'd thought about it more than once, but he was... well... more open when it came to romance. He always seemed to be seeking connection. Around every corner. Since she, herself, was an older divorcee, she dismissed the prospect of a relationship with him. Their needs were too different. Despite this, she really could see herself calling him a 'friend'.
Then there was Bella.
An eccentric, younger woman who seemed to know no boundaries when it came to others. Very unlike Eis, herself. This friendly, open attitude had even gotten Bella into trouble. And what had Eis done? Rushed to her side to defend her. She could doctor it up all she liked; make claims that all she'd really done was try to ease tensions. But in truth, Eis saw someone in peril and gave her compassion. Causing a small crack in her walls allowing some light to peek through. The more time she spent with Bella, the more the wall cracked. Bella needed her - for guidance and support. And Eis? She needed someone to care for. Despite everything she kept telling herself. Now, Bella would never replace Abby. It would be sick to even suggest it... but looking out for her seemed to fill a hole in Eis' heart that had been empty since she'd lost Abby.
Eis, alone on her couch with a mug of tea, saw her vision go cloudy as tears welled up in her eyes. She'd failed her daughter so spectacularly. It would be impossible for her not to think that there was something she could have done to prevent it. Couldn't she have just driven her to school instead of leaving her at a bus stop? Or even picked her up from school to surprise her with her with those cupcakes and just spent some time with her in the car? Her hands began to shake, and she set her mug down on the coffee table lest it spill. The worst thing she'd done was never even go back to visit Abby's grave. Eis didn't really know what awaited after death. She'd never been particularly religious, or anything. But she couldn't help but feel that saying goodbye would have meant something. Anything was better than leaving everything in the hands of the Imposter.
Maybe it was Fear that kept her away. She didn't know - or claim to want to know - what the thing living her life intended. She'd convinced herself she didn't care. That it was a chapter of her life forever closed. She'd thought she had nothing left there. Well, nothing except for 'Katie'. The little rag doll was the last thing linking her to Abby. But that wasn't true, was it? Abby was buried back in Virginia City. She'd left behind her chance at closure.
Or had she?
It was something she'd thought about, learning about Bella's 'hobbies'. A connection she hadn't even made with Lucas - despite having known his connection with the dead. She wouldn't ask Bella directly about it, though... she had to maintain just a little bit of a hard edge if she wanted to effectively mentor the girl. But Lucas? What was he capable of? Eis wiped her tears away and pulled out her phone. She just hoped Lucas would answer.
And let's not get started on how tearing down her walls would affect her wellbeing. Being alone, not relying on anyone else was comfortable for her. She understood her own strengths and weaknesses. She didn't have to worry about losing anyone else. But that wasn't really the case anymore, was it? No, Ellen. You can't seem to leave well enough alone.
First there was Lucas.
The Winter had managed to get under her skin - in a good way - so many times that she'd be a fool not to recognize that he was special to her. She'd worked with him, sought his counsel, and even enjoyed company. Alcohol, his personality and his good looks even seemed to remind her that she's a woman, whenever he's around. All of it was innocent, of course. Yes, she'd thought about it more than once, but he was... well... more open when it came to romance. He always seemed to be seeking connection. Around every corner. Since she, herself, was an older divorcee, she dismissed the prospect of a relationship with him. Their needs were too different. Despite this, she really could see herself calling him a 'friend'.
Then there was Bella.
An eccentric, younger woman who seemed to know no boundaries when it came to others. Very unlike Eis, herself. This friendly, open attitude had even gotten Bella into trouble. And what had Eis done? Rushed to her side to defend her. She could doctor it up all she liked; make claims that all she'd really done was try to ease tensions. But in truth, Eis saw someone in peril and gave her compassion. Causing a small crack in her walls allowing some light to peek through. The more time she spent with Bella, the more the wall cracked. Bella needed her - for guidance and support. And Eis? She needed someone to care for. Despite everything she kept telling herself. Now, Bella would never replace Abby. It would be sick to even suggest it... but looking out for her seemed to fill a hole in Eis' heart that had been empty since she'd lost Abby.
Eis, alone on her couch with a mug of tea, saw her vision go cloudy as tears welled up in her eyes. She'd failed her daughter so spectacularly. It would be impossible for her not to think that there was something she could have done to prevent it. Couldn't she have just driven her to school instead of leaving her at a bus stop? Or even picked her up from school to surprise her with her with those cupcakes and just spent some time with her in the car? Her hands began to shake, and she set her mug down on the coffee table lest it spill. The worst thing she'd done was never even go back to visit Abby's grave. Eis didn't really know what awaited after death. She'd never been particularly religious, or anything. But she couldn't help but feel that saying goodbye would have meant something. Anything was better than leaving everything in the hands of the Imposter.
Maybe it was Fear that kept her away. She didn't know - or claim to want to know - what the thing living her life intended. She'd convinced herself she didn't care. That it was a chapter of her life forever closed. She'd thought she had nothing left there. Well, nothing except for 'Katie'. The little rag doll was the last thing linking her to Abby. But that wasn't true, was it? Abby was buried back in Virginia City. She'd left behind her chance at closure.
Or had she?
It was something she'd thought about, learning about Bella's 'hobbies'. A connection she hadn't even made with Lucas - despite having known his connection with the dead. She wouldn't ask Bella directly about it, though... she had to maintain just a little bit of a hard edge if she wanted to effectively mentor the girl. But Lucas? What was he capable of? Eis wiped her tears away and pulled out her phone. She just hoped Lucas would answer.