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Post by Rowan on Apr 25, 2021 20:04:48 GMT -8
"It's- I-" Rowan's eyes went a little wider. His eyes darted to the door and he tried to calculate how quickly he could run out. He tensed up, very much feeling like a child who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. His fingers dung into the arms on the chair, piercing the fabric. Pop. Pop pop pop as the strands burst under the pressure. "Fuck. Shit. I'm so sorry." Shoving his hands under him again, he remained quiet for a long time while the shame washed over him. There was no way he could ever pay back the damages. After a few beats, he closed his eyes and let out a long breath.
"I felt exposed. I don't like that feeling. Being vulnerable. Someone could take advantage of it." Mitch had just told him to explain how he felt.
"I've once told someone that the best way to gauge a person's character was to look at what they were willing to do to make it. I've done some horrible things to come back. I didn't remember, but the Hedge showed me. It's scary to even think what I wouldn't do to see another day."
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Post by Mitchell Carr on Apr 28, 2021 12:57:46 GMT -8
Mitch waved his hand, trying not to laugh when he saw how mortified Rowan was. "There's Jewels for that. Perks of being in a fairy court," he assured. "I appreciate you caring about the state of my furniture, though."
He listened patiently, opening his mouth for a second before thinking on his approach. "So...I think we all have. I understand we connect with our experiences differently, but when you're doing this long enough you start to realize that...each Court makes sure we keep this crap balanced?" He knew he was talking to an expert occultist, but perspective was still useful, and his tone signaled interest on Rowan's own opinion. "Sorry, I'm getting off topic. What I mean is, you're in a camp that values understanding to make sure the stuff of Arcadia doesn't hurt people, and even helps when it's turned on the enemy. I'm in the camp that values accepting what we were forced to do, and moving forward as survivors.
Nowhere in our rhetoric says that we're supposed to pretend that we ignore that we've been put through hell.
You keep calling yourself a shitty person, but what matters is figuring out what you have power over in your environment, and doing better. Some people aren't going to forgive you for actions you made when you are hurting. You do what you can to heal those wounds, and take that lesson into the next day," he said earnestly. "And no I'm not saying it's easy, or else we would never fuck up ever."
The Fairest adjusted, "...Have people given you a reason to make you think you're going to get used or hurt? When you put yourself out there? The moment at Yule is one, and we'll get into that later. Was there other moments that you can seem stuck in?"
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Post by Rowan on Apr 29, 2021 15:00:15 GMT -8
Rowan chuckled at Mitch's comment about Spring's philosophy. "Most people I know from your camp seemed to be only interested in their interests. I don't know that many, mind you, but yeah."
"One called me because they couldn't stand being alone and needed something from me. They kept beating around the bush but when I asked them what it was they wanted, they got all defensive and started saying that I was rude." He pinched his nose in exasperation. Riley was difficult to deal with, especially now that they were in a motley with Archie, no less.
"There's this person I know, we're not friends anymore. She made me lose my shit all the time. Like, I tried explaining to her how I deal with stuff, but it was never good enough. I had to answer straight away because that was what she needed. Kept saying I was her little brother, even though she can't be more that 27. She made some valid points about me as well, but I don't know if she ever heard what I had to say to her, or even saw me."
"She's newer to the hold, and latched onto me during the zombie incident. It was fine at first, but like. It felt like we were only doing things she wanted or needed."
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Post by Mitchell Carr on Apr 29, 2021 17:03:27 GMT -8
"Well are they newer? You don't grow in a court without growing your understanding of the philosophy beyond just a strong emotion," Mitchell mused.
The Fairest nodded, "Again, we can go over it in detail later if it's something that's stuck with you to affect your perception on social interaction. Sometimes people aren't ready to open up and be direct with others, which I'm sure you can relate to. Calling you rude can be someone just overwhelmed in the moment and not having a better way of expressing that," he said, though signaled he was more doing surface guesswork than dismissing the actual scenario.
"If you need to comb over complicated stuff, we can do that. Give you some options so you feel more empowered next time. How we say things and convey our intent is a lot of work, and when you send the message some people can take it in a weird direction. Fun thing is that since a lot of mundie psychology goes into neurodivergent experience, there's a tone of adult tools about social skills available that we can steal from. You might find it helpful, or not," he chuckled.
"The other person might not have been the right one to be deeper than a positive acquaintance, but good on your for trying. Honestly failed relationships inform us what we actually need out of people and gives us the language to compare when we meet someone new, so... The fact that you acknowledge she made some valid points is also showing growth. That sounds important, though, and I'd rather dedicate a whole session for that stuff." He makes a note, almost talking out loud as he explains how he's outlining everything and what the general plan was while giving Rowan opportunities to signal discomfort or ask questions. More importantly, the Fairest didn't want him to take the rapid shifts as an excuse to tell himself that the other was shuffling aside his issues as small and unimportant. "She sounds like she had a different energy. Who knows you guys might reconnect once you have some tools to articulate your boundaries so your own needs aren't overwhelmed."
She wasn't an Elemental, was she?
"Going back to that thread about you feeling like you lose control and avoiding human connections. Have you actually ever hurt someone? Here, in reality I mean."
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Post by Rowan on May 5, 2021 16:07:17 GMT -8
"No I-"
"Sorry, that's a lie. I did. Some wacko FBI chick came after another Ling with an arrest warrant, but then started shooting with an assault rifle or something. Couldn't have knocked her out, really, but something just, popped."
"I used to get into fights when I was a kid, easily provoked that way. So I keep thinking that I could happen again, you know? Only this time I have Arcadian fingers that cut like scalpels." He remembered the way his claws slid across the fabric of the suit to bite into the soft skin underneath. He shuddered at how detached he had been while swinging to take a life.
"I keep surprising myself how much the so called 'Scary Stuff' doesn't phase me. I'd take a trip through the Hedge over a trip to the mall any day." He didn't really had a thread to connect his thought. Rowan was just saying what came to mind, in a way he had never felt comfortable doing before. Every sentence had to be looked at and painstakingly analyzed before being released into the world.
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Post by Mitchell Carr on May 5, 2021 19:06:31 GMT -8
"Rowan. She was shooting at you," Mitchell said plainly, "I think that warrants some level of self defense. Glad you're okay."
The Fairest blinks, "Why do you think that is? That you'd rather isolate yourself from humanity and endanger yourself?"
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Post by Rowan on May 11, 2021 10:40:29 GMT -8
"To protect them, I think. The life I lead is dangerous whether I try to or not. If something comes after me, I don’t want normal people to get caught in the crossfire."
"Also so they wouldn't be used against me."
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Post by Mitchell Carr on May 14, 2021 22:43:45 GMT -8
Mitch frowned, "You don't think you deserve a chance? You sound like you're putting yourself aside because you're convinced something bad will happen. Thing is, Rowan, we can't help or protect people if we aren't managing our own needs. Changelings have it worse, actually, in that regard. We get a little weird when we self isolate, which is why we have this whole magic-mundane tightrope walk in the first place."
He shrugs, "You get the other extreme too; Lost who try to reject the fairy side of everything. Rather than a plummet in mental faculties, they go into like a...physical withdrawal, that can get them pretty sick and desperate. You think you're up for trying something basic if I help you set it up?"
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Post by Rowan on May 20, 2021 10:30:53 GMT -8
Something bad has happened. Rowan still hadn't contacted Tanner, not since the incident in the Hollow. He didn't know what made his hand shake every time he tried to type the number...
"I mean. I made it this far and even managed a whole conversation with you." Barring the armchair. "I do want to change, to get a sense of where I'm headed. I don't think I can do this alone, not this. So. If you think I can manage something simple, then I'm up for it."
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Post by Mitchell Carr on May 20, 2021 11:24:48 GMT -8
"The point of therapy is improving quality of life, not changing you or 'fixing' you. If you want to learn how to be sociable so you can have more connections, it can be just that: a choice to pick up some tools. Once you've learned enough to be comfortable, it'll be your choice if you want to fine tune some habits into something different to reach a goal. You'll be reducing your stress and feelings about being unworthy and dangerous so you can get on with living. It's pretty useful," he laughed.
Mitchell watched the Darkling's attention briefly flick to the armchair as they started to wrap, "That's what Jewel's for. I've made myself late for important appointments because of my own quirks... People get used to it."
The Bishop of Blackbirds went over booking the next appointment and some small tasks Rowan could try to get a feel for what sort of "homework" would work for him, without the expectation that he would get it all done. He provided his number if Rowan had questions throughout the week, with the boundary that it may take a day or two to respond instead of the expectation that SMS conversations happen immediately.
He said to call if it's an emergency.
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