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Post by Mitchell Carr on Apr 13, 2021 12:20:07 GMT -8
"You were a kid, right? Were you needing some closure or a reason to apologize to her?" Mitch asked. There were some options there, if Rowan was so stuck on it. He seemed to be treating it like a lost opportunity before someone had passed away.
He nodded to the venting frustration about social limitations. Going into 'filling the holes' with Icon acquisitions didn't seem like something he would really benefit from in this instance. At least not until he has some better foundations.
"We've all got a thing. Even if you remembered growing up, I don't think it would factor into the socialization that comes with just being around people. Our communities can be really forgiving, because we get it, but also volatile, because we're reminded of it and tired. Changeling friends are great for real understanding about what we've gone through...what sort of mundane people do you usually interact with? You know, for getting that experience and learning the culture."
He chuckled. "It's not actually as insane as you think it is. You're stuck as a child. You're just learning a new culture, man. A person who's been living off the land for the last thirty years would be just as brisk when he's expected to navigate New York."
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Post by Rowan on Apr 15, 2021 17:13:20 GMT -8
"Um. I guess apologizing's what led me back? That's gone now, like my childhood and everything related to it. All I have left is this dull sense of how unfair that is. How I don't want anyone else to go through that."
"I don't have ma- I don't have any friends," he corrected himself. 'She said we weren't friends anymore.'
"I don't usually hang out with people for the reasons I said. Most just, move on in the best cases. And I haven't found our community that forgiving, either." There was a hint of bitterness to his voice.
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Post by Mitchell Carr on Apr 18, 2021 14:24:40 GMT -8
"That's not the worst motivation," Mitch said, chuckling a but. "Mine was like this thread of all the things I dreamed of doing. It doesn't have to be this big lofty ideal, but you sound like you want to make things better for people? Or I guess just stop people from getting hurt is more accurate."
He mused on Rowan's socialization. "I'm talking mundies. What's the kind of person you can stand?" The Bishop titled his head a bit, "Once we get you some anchors for belonging here, then we can look at what's going on with other Changelings." He wasn't brushing past Rowan's complaint, just addressing one thing at a time.
"None of us can really expect you to be this super chatty outgoing guy that makes friends just by jumping in. Not when you're blowing past your basic frame of references."
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Post by Rowan on Apr 18, 2021 15:42:03 GMT -8
"Yeah, that would be accurate. When I look around, it's easy to see just how messed up everyone is. What I went through, I don't wish it on anyone."
Rowan paused to rub the tip of his nose, pondering over Mitch's question. "I dunno. People who don't pry too much from the get go, who are fine with me going at my own pace. Or people who will let me just listen. I've met a few like that, in passing. They have so much to say, but no one to listen to them. They're just happy that you're there, you know?"
"I work odd hours, because of my janitorial shifts, so I don't get to go out much." He paused again. "It's hard, looking at all the kids have fun. Most adults barely notice me at all."
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Post by Mitchell Carr on Apr 18, 2021 17:14:48 GMT -8
"Enh, I mean, when everyone's messed up that kind of becomes the norm," Mitch said, "Mortals are no different. You didn't grow up here or have been interacting with a lot of mundane lives, but the fact that we're all dealing with shit, and even fail sometimes, is a universal connection."
He drinks some of his tea. Mitch knew he was a hypocrite, but giving advice that one often didn't follow themselves also was a reminder of his own humanity. "I'm going to guess, the way you talk about yourself, is that your self esteem's not the highest," he paused, waiting to see if Rowan weighed in. "If you want, I can hook you up with some volunteer opportunities? I think your want to make sure people are safe is coming out as hypervigilance, and you keep putting yourself out there and don't have the confidence in yourself to weather rejection. Not even, like, people saying they disapprove of your actions," he spins his wrist to mime his head exploding with thoughts, "But your head's twisting anything that makes you feel inadequate into an attack, and confirming you aren't good enough."
The Fairest blinks, "That would probably be why you're not feeling seen. I think you need something you can be proud of at the end of the day, that props mortals up without you having to say much, but your presence means something and is appreciated."
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Post by Rowan on Apr 19, 2021 22:40:39 GMT -8
"It feels like nothing I do is ever good enough. So I just want to be useful, because then people will at least tolerate me, overlook the shittier aspects. I... don't think I have many qualities."
It felt highly uncomfortable, being seen to this degree by someone he's never met before. Rowan understood that that was the job, but the ease with which Mitch cut through the layers of defense mechanisms made him want to jump ship. Dani's spectre floated in his mind's eye, telling him he was crazy. His pallid skin took on a lilac tinge at the painful memory.
"Nowhere is safe, though. That's how it feels to me. There's nowhere I can go where I feel I can let my guard down, at that end of the day. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop and that certainty is eating at me. They tell me I'm crazy but I haven't been wrong yet."
"I'm raw, all the time. I'm so stressed that it's a good thing I look like a corpse already. I don't know who I can, or cannot trust." He leaned back into the couch, at a loss for words about something he's talked about so many times before. People weren't listening. "Maybe I am crazy, I don't know. I'd think I were crazy too, if I hadn't seen what I've seen." He wanted to change the subject, because staring down into the abyss of his own psyche was terrifying. "Volunteering sounds cool."
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Post by Mitchell Carr on Apr 19, 2021 23:33:01 GMT -8
"That's a hard line," Mitch admitted. "Relationships are built on equal parts respect and what you can contribute. Calling it being useful, though I think can get a bit toxic."
He thought for a minute, trying to offer a straight forward example. "Do you feel like you can't rely on people? So you only put value on what they can provide? But going through life like that, that's going to start hurting you, because like right now you're screwing yourself thinking the second you can't give people something tangible, you're worthless. I think...you need to rectify the fact that a friend's worth isn't based around services or what they can give you.
However, they have to contribute something. Do they make you feel happy? Do you have fun with them? Do they give you solid advice?
Friends can contribute a lot of different things, but not everything at once. That's why we want more than one. How much pressure do you put on yourself, and do you think it's bleeding into what you expect of others, so it feels fair? Like, are those things not useful to you? And then figure out why not."
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Post by Rowan on Apr 20, 2021 14:11:30 GMT -8
"I've pretty much been on my own this past year. Something in me just, won't let me rely on others. I can't quite explain it. Before, I had friends out of necessity - you don't survive high school alone. We stuck together so we wouldn't be easy prey. Ever since coming back, that hasn't been an issue, and I never stopped long enough to ask myself what I wanted from others. Mundane life wasn't really a priority. It just seemed irrelevant, with all the things crawling in the dark?" He was one of those things, a stalker and a monster. He could only look at them from afar, like he did with his own family.
"Is it safe, being around Mundies a lot? I know we have the Wards, but there's plenty danger inside as well. What if they get caught in the crossfire?" What if he himself was a danger to them? The way Rowan reacted to certain things, where his body moved before his mind, made him weary. He looked down on his blackened hands and flexed his fingers.
"I don't think I'd be able to forgive myself if..."
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Post by Mitchell Carr on Apr 20, 2021 18:26:09 GMT -8
"Rough high school," Mitchell mused. "What happened that made you feel like you can't come down from survival mode?"
He knew Tanner had helped Rowan out at some juncture, and by Lost standards, Rowan was more established than most in terms of identity and stability.
"I get why you're nervous interacting with mundies if you're scared of someone surprising you into an action you can't undo." Thought the admission was blunt, there wasn't an ounce of judgement as he validated the concern. The Bishop needed more information before he could make a call on whether Rowan was safe to work with people.
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Post by Rowan on Apr 20, 2021 20:25:01 GMT -8
"Nah, just Whitney, really."
It was scary how quickly Rowan managed to pinpoint the exact moment Mitch was asking him about.
"Yule. A Changeling had just made up a shitty poet to insult me, because they thought I called them an alcoholic. So I just. Shifted Kiths and Dove. Twilight is usually quiet, it's rare than something has enough permanence to leave a mark there. Except that time it wasn't. Some weird hand things grabbed me and it made me realize that there was nowhere I could go that would be safe." Stupid Riley and their stupid limerick. "I almost froze to death."
"My body reacts on its own sometimes, when it registers danger. Like some sort of phantom muscle memory or something. I can't always stop it in time."
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Post by Mitchell Carr on Apr 25, 2021 15:49:40 GMT -8
"That must have been a strong emotion," Mitchell said, blinking. Significant for a Snowskin, anyway, which Rowan seemed fixed on. "Enough to rewrite your nature to hide? It sounds like a moment where everything was completely out of your control."
His hands idlily wrapped around the mug he was holding, staring at the contents as he listened. "Reacts on its own. Can you explain what you mean by that? Flinching?"
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Post by Rowan on Apr 25, 2021 16:20:00 GMT -8
"It's always a big stress when some information I thought was reliable turns out to be false. It's why I'm so particular about sharing it. So when I was assaulted in Twilight, everything I knew seemed to just, not matter anymore. Plus I was already shaken by the stupid limerick. Yeah, strong emotions all around, I would say."
Rowan paused some more and looked into the distance before attempting further explanation. He'd never told this part to anyone, not even Dani. "It remembers things I don't. I never learned to fight, but I still managed to land a solid punch on Loki's jaw. And not get completely demolished by him in return. My arms and legs react faster than my brain can register what's happening. Instinct? Auto-pilot? I dunno. Fells like it's ready to throw down at any moment."
"I kept bumping into things when I first came back, because I wasn't used to the proportions. Nothing I liked to wear fits anymore. Everything drives in this impression that this is not my body." He takes a moment, swallowing the thick saliva that had accumulated in his dry mouth. "Sometimes it feels surreal, like I'm watching from outside. That's not me. It can't be me, because I don't remember learning how to grow ice claws and slash things to ribbons. I don't remember my body twisting into impossible angles before."
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Post by Mitchell Carr on Apr 25, 2021 16:43:21 GMT -8
"That's actually sounding like some disassociate stuff. Bodies don't work that way, even with the Lost," Mitch explained, suddenly clear with full attention.
"Allowing the rush of muscle memory to make the decision for you is protecting you from making a bad call or facing the brunt of scrutiny. Telling yourself it's instinct and that your Keeper programmed you that way is a trick. You always have control. You can train yourself to recognize the pattern."
Rowan was talking like a Beast. "You've suffered trauma, and this is a defense mechanism you've developed to absolve yourself of responsibility," he said, actually made a note this time and clearly more professional than the former airs. "We'll review those moments, slow down, go over what was going through your head leading up to you reacting without thinking. Then you can have some tool to start rewiring it. You aren't busted, it's a good thing you've detected it's an issue."
His head tilted, musing for a moment as he looked beyond what was in front of them. "I think you're looking for outlets of control. You don't feel in control of your body. You don't feel in control of your fate. You don't feel in control of other people's reactions. We're going to have to focus on what you can do and get your own mantra of self management, rather than you sliding into the safe label as 'the Autumn Darkling that knows everything.'
We'll work on building up your own self image so you can forgive yourself, and others, and let go when mistakes are made in the moment...because that's being human and living in reality, now. Does that work for you?"
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Post by Rowan on Apr 25, 2021 17:39:25 GMT -8
"So... that means I really am a bad person?" His expression didn't change, his tone didn't shift, but deep down, Rowan was teetering. Mitch was systematically breaking down everything the Darkling had used to get through the past year. He felt panic rise at the loss of landmarks and familiar patterns. What if he didn't manage to build himself up again? What if he would just stay that way, raw and broken?
"Mantra? Like the Sanskrit utterances? I mean, there has been recorded evidence of them working, but I've attributed it something like self-hypnosis rather than actual magic. Also feels weirdly religious. Isn't that, like, cultural appropriation? Last thing I need is get cancelled."
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Post by Mitchell Carr on Apr 25, 2021 19:43:43 GMT -8
"Woah, I never said that," he said evenly, "You don't need to weaponize empowerment. I'm telling you that you've adapted a self defense mechanism and it can be reworked," he repeated, slower and softer.
"And sorry, I thought it was a slang term. Like, phrases you can repeat to yourself as a grounding technique," the Fairest blinked. "Why are you calling yourself a bad person, Rowan?"
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