[Touchstone] Gnossienne

n. a moment of awareness that someone you’ve known for years still has a private and mysterious inner life, and somewhere in the hallways of their personality is a door locked from the inside, a stairway leading to a wing of the house that you’ve never fully explored—an unfinished attic that will remain maddeningly unknowable to you, because ultimately neither of you has a map, or a master key, or any way of knowing exactly where you stand.

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“She has suffered from extreme exertional heatstroke, acute prolonged solar erythema has left her with extensive body burns, which were only made worse by infection. With the extreme dehydration, and exhaustion, she is lucky to even be alive.”

I hardly hear the words he says, It's not the medical jargon, I understand that. I couldn't help but correct him in my head every time.
        They. They. They.

Perhaps it's my shock at the news, or maybe it's because I am exhausted. This was not where I expected to find my sibling and the dawning realization of their condition is like a dull drum in the back of my head.

Riley had been missing for nearly a week. We had our weekly dinner planned, but they aren't answering their phone. Which at first wasn't weird, Riley can be busy and flighty at the best of times. But they had never missed a dinner, not once. Their apartment was empty, and dark. No sign that Riley had been there in a bit. No note, no texts. They were just gone.

“What happened?” I ask them as we sit in the car. The silence was palpable. Riley had said less than ten words since i picked them up. And once more they don't respond.

“What happened, Riley?” I ask again a few minutes later. It takes so much to not be mad. They could say something, anything, but they don't.


My hands are trembling as I grip the wheel. I want to scream bloody murder. I want to tear into them. Do they even know how worried I was? How hard I searched? I went to every. Fucking. Strip club. I tore through this city and I never broke their rule, No Cops.

I hadn't slept in days. The anxiety, the fear of losing Riley had burrowed its way like writhing maggots into my skull. I cried. I cried so much over the last few days.

    Were they dead?

        What had happened?

            Were they gone?

                Had I failed to protect them again?

I want to demand Riley to speak. To stop pushing me away, to tell me what had happened, now and back then. I need to understand but they wont let me. Why was Riley in my car lucky to be alive, while there was Melanie back in texas with a family. It’s impossible, but Riley knows that, they know and they won't tell me.

What they don't say is what kills me. The silent secret looming over us like a sword, ready to severe us apart once again. I can't let it, I can't scare them away. So I bite my tongue.


I call in sick to work, they can handle not having me around for a week. I tell them a friend was in a car accident. Another one of Riley’s rules. I grab a small luggage bag and move into their Apartment. Riley doesn't protest, but then again they haven't been speaking much at least not while they are awake.

At night Riley tosses and turns. In part I think from the pain, but mostly from the Night terrors. They cry out in the night. Find what we seek. There are names too, only one I recognize, Linden. The others are strange to me, Fire, Rowan, Finn. I But the names are rare, mostly its incoherent whimpers and cries. It breaks my heart to hear them like that, it almost sounds like the first month when I found them here.

They sleep during the day mostly, I try to do the same ,so I can help at night. Over the days the night terrors subside, and Riley begins to speak again, only a little. Mostly they sit in silence on their phone or listen to music. I try to interact, but its minimal at best. Instead I fix them food, tend their bandages and wait.

It’s the scars that seem to bother Riley the most. I can see it in their eyes, when I tend their wounds. There is a pain there, not the physical kind. In fact how much they have healed is impressive. They don't flinch from the ointments or my touch. But I can see the marks on their skin and the scars do something to them. It’s not disgust, or pain, not even sadness. The best I could describe it is defeat. ITs as if the sight of those scars takes the fight out of them, puts them into despair.

It kills me to see.

I am sitting on their balcony, a book in hand with a glass of wine. Riley was in their seat, looking out over the lights of the city. They were doing better now, the night terrors had subsided, and their smile was returning.

“Ten died”

The sound of their voice shocks me from my book, it takes me a moment to realize what Riley had said. Ten Died. It takes almost all my self restraint to ask them what they mean, to try and get more information. I know If i try, they will run and hide, like always.

“We could have stopped that” Their voice is distant, and quiet. It's only now that I realize I am holding my breath.

“Claire...” Riley pauses, they want to say something but they can't. It’s in their eyes, distant, scared...lost. The silence between us threatens to expand, to push us apart. I wish i could say something, anything to help them at this moment. But I can't, they wont let me.

I would give anything , to have them share with me what was wrong, what was happening inside them. To just let me in.

“Thank you” they say at last. I want to tell them thank you wasn't enough. I deserved to know more, that I could do more.

But I don't.

I smile reaching out and grasping my siblings hand in my own.

“I am here”

“I know”