Post by Firebringer on Apr 3, 2021 20:46:22 GMT -8
[TW: Panic attack]
The first thing you feel is the way the air moves from your nose through your throat and into your lungs with a hitch. It tightens your neck, your chest, your jaw, your ears. Your heart begins to palpitate. At least, it feels like it is palpitating. You’re positive it is skipping beats and your lungs begin to feel as if they aren’t getting enough air. Sinuses tighten and a tension ache forms like a ring around your crown, all while your knees begin to buckle.
Goosebumps on your arms, prickling like the ends of cacti. And everything suddenly feels so cold and yet empty all at once. That psychological chill turns to shivers and every muscle in your body feels like it isn’t yours. You can’t control it. It isn’t yours. It isn’t-
Stop it. Stop it. stop it…
Panic. Everything is wrong. The world is spinning. I can’t think. I can’t think. I can’t-
Running. Have to run, have to get away. Sharp thorns snagging against the clothes on your back. Run. They’ll get you. Run. Everything hurts, breathing hurts, every single step hurts, it’s unnatural. Go back. Go back. No. Run.
I can’t leave- Run. Run. Run.
Breathe.
That first breath after the chill is like exhaustion being pumped right into your body. You slump where you are, eyes heavy, breaths slow, heartbeat slower than it should be.
I’m so tired. So tired. So- Wake up.
Fire’s eyes slowly open, she’s slumped against the side of her couch, a glass of water spilled completely on the carpet in front of her. Shivers are still there, but not as intense.
What was the trigger this time? She doesn’t even know.
It has been like this more recently. Stressed, the world spinning, nothing is correct. She feels more akin to an electric heater than a true fire.
Sizzling tears stream down her face. Should I call Riley? No, don’t want to be a bother. I can do it on my own, right? I’m a force of nature. And yet everything I touch...
She doesn’t know why she does it. Why she feels as if she needs to do everything, why she feels like a failure if something goes wrong, why she doesn't feel good enough, even when she's shown her worth, why she feels like she has to protect, save, comfort, even at her own expense. Is it all to make herself feel better? Is it because she’s selfish? It’s all about her, right? Is it a constant cycle?
It was like this with Erin. Erin needed guidance every step of the way. If Dani wasn’t there, she’d do something horrible under the guise of being helpful. Erin thought she was invincible. Erin thought reaping was more useful than harvesting. Erin thought she was the villain of the story and was waiting for the hero to bring her down. But Dani was there, not as the hero, but as the friend who had to make it stop. She had to help. If she didn’t tell her or remind her or keep on her, Erin would be a force of destruction.
But we promised to become better people, so I have to help.
Cecilia was quiet. Always quiet. Sometimes it was hard to know that she was there. Was she there? I did everything…
Then the Hedge… It was stupid. It was so stupid. Why were they so stupid? Why?
Stop. Breathe.
Am I… is that what I was doing to…?
Toxic.
It feels like acid burns her throat - no, put that away.
Dani bites her lip and moves to lay down on her side, her fingers touching the glass of spilled water, fingers dipping into the remains. Water. A reminder of reality, somehow.
Water is terrifying. It is her opposite. And yet, touching it is when she feels most alive. It is like the pinpricks you feel when a part of your body that was once asleep finally begins to wake up, but it never fully does. It stays in that prickly state. She never realizes that she feels that way until she touches the water.
She closes her eyes. Breathe.
One thing you can hear: The rain on the windows
One thing you can taste: Mint
One thing you can smell: Coffee
One thing you feel: The air on my skin.
Breathe in. 2. 3. 4.
Breathe out. 2. 3. 4.
In. 2. 3. 4
Out 2. 3. 4
The first thing you feel is the way the air moves from your nose through your throat and into your lungs with a hitch. It tightens your neck, your chest, your jaw, your ears. Your heart begins to palpitate. At least, it feels like it is palpitating. You’re positive it is skipping beats and your lungs begin to feel as if they aren’t getting enough air. Sinuses tighten and a tension ache forms like a ring around your crown, all while your knees begin to buckle.
Goosebumps on your arms, prickling like the ends of cacti. And everything suddenly feels so cold and yet empty all at once. That psychological chill turns to shivers and every muscle in your body feels like it isn’t yours. You can’t control it. It isn’t yours. It isn’t-
Stop it. Stop it. stop it…
Panic. Everything is wrong. The world is spinning. I can’t think. I can’t think. I can’t-
Running. Have to run, have to get away. Sharp thorns snagging against the clothes on your back. Run. They’ll get you. Run. Everything hurts, breathing hurts, every single step hurts, it’s unnatural. Go back. Go back. No. Run.
I can’t leave- Run. Run. Run.
Breathe.
That first breath after the chill is like exhaustion being pumped right into your body. You slump where you are, eyes heavy, breaths slow, heartbeat slower than it should be.
I’m so tired. So tired. So- Wake up.
Fire’s eyes slowly open, she’s slumped against the side of her couch, a glass of water spilled completely on the carpet in front of her. Shivers are still there, but not as intense.
What was the trigger this time? She doesn’t even know.
It has been like this more recently. Stressed, the world spinning, nothing is correct. She feels more akin to an electric heater than a true fire.
Sizzling tears stream down her face. Should I call Riley? No, don’t want to be a bother. I can do it on my own, right? I’m a force of nature. And yet everything I touch...
She doesn’t know why she does it. Why she feels as if she needs to do everything, why she feels like a failure if something goes wrong, why she doesn't feel good enough, even when she's shown her worth, why she feels like she has to protect, save, comfort, even at her own expense. Is it all to make herself feel better? Is it because she’s selfish? It’s all about her, right? Is it a constant cycle?
It was like this with Erin. Erin needed guidance every step of the way. If Dani wasn’t there, she’d do something horrible under the guise of being helpful. Erin thought she was invincible. Erin thought reaping was more useful than harvesting. Erin thought she was the villain of the story and was waiting for the hero to bring her down. But Dani was there, not as the hero, but as the friend who had to make it stop. She had to help. If she didn’t tell her or remind her or keep on her, Erin would be a force of destruction.
But we promised to become better people, so I have to help.
Cecilia was quiet. Always quiet. Sometimes it was hard to know that she was there. Was she there? I did everything…
Then the Hedge… It was stupid. It was so stupid. Why were they so stupid? Why?
Stop. Breathe.
Am I… is that what I was doing to…?
Toxic.
It feels like acid burns her throat - no, put that away.
Dani bites her lip and moves to lay down on her side, her fingers touching the glass of spilled water, fingers dipping into the remains. Water. A reminder of reality, somehow.
Water is terrifying. It is her opposite. And yet, touching it is when she feels most alive. It is like the pinpricks you feel when a part of your body that was once asleep finally begins to wake up, but it never fully does. It stays in that prickly state. She never realizes that she feels that way until she touches the water.
She closes her eyes. Breathe.
One thing you can hear: The rain on the windows
One thing you can taste: Mint
One thing you can smell: Coffee
One thing you feel: The air on my skin.
Breathe in. 2. 3. 4.
Breathe out. 2. 3. 4.
In. 2. 3. 4
Out 2. 3. 4
I am alive. I am here. I am enough.
I don’t need anyone else to survive. I am enough.
I don’t need anyone else to survive. I am enough.
I can do it on my own. I am enough.
I am not responsible for anyone but myself. I am enough.
I am not responsible for anyone but myself. I am enough.
I will not sacrifice my well being for others. I am enough.
I don’t need validation. I am enough.
I am enough. I am enough. I. Am. Enough.
Breathe.