[Glimpse, historical] These scars of mine.
Mar 14, 2021 13:32:42 GMT -8
Riley Sorsa, Travisc06489, and 1 more like this
Post by Lucas Chevalier on Mar 14, 2021 13:32:42 GMT -8
[This is dated sometime around a year and a half ago when Riley and Lucas's relationship came to an end. CW: Self-injury, language, degradation surrounding captivity.]
No matter how much Lucas tossed and turned, sleep refused to come to him. His mind kept replaying the events from earlier in the day.
Winter had come to an end and it was time for the Spring to begin. Lucas had assumed at some point Riley would have sought him out at the coronation and they would have watched it together. However, he knew that they were flighty or at least he found them to be at times, so it did not surprise him when he did not see the darkling right away.
The Spring coronation went the way one would expect; lots of pageantry and excitement He only half paid attention to it. When Winter came to an end, instead of feeling invigorated, he often felt more exhausted. The energy and pace of Spring wasn’t one he enjoyed. Lucas was about to go into autopilot mode until he saw a familiar face prepare to swear an oath to the Spring Queen.
It was Riley.
After the coronation was over, the two of them finally caught up with each other. It didn’t take long for the two Lost to get into an argument over Riley not renewing their oath with the Winter court and instead swearing an oath with Spring. Against his better judgment, he agreed to try to work things out and spend the evening with them. Whenever something went wrong in a relationship, Lucas was quick to blame himself.
The fairest knew he wasn’t easy to love once someone got close to him. From a distance, he was easy to like and admire. He was good looking, friendly, helpful, and was willing to give any adventure a try at least once. Sometimes even twice just to make sure it wasn’t something he wouldn’t enjoy long term. However, once people got close to him, well...he was reminded of a line from Bojack Horseman while Bojack was going through a breakup:
"Same thing that always happens. You didn't know me. Then you fell in love with me, and now you know me."
No matter how pretty the wrapping paper or bows used to wrap up a broken toy, once a broken toy was unwrapped, it was still a broken toy.
Similarly, no matter how many times he searched his mind, he couldn’t figure out what he did to deserve to be treated like this. He wasn’t upset with Riley for changing courts; he was upset with them for not saying anything to him about it. Didn’t they promise each other that they would accept one and other for their faults and be present with each other? How could they spend all those nights beside him in bed and not once tell him that they were considering leaving? He had kept his promise. This wasn’t like someone deciding to get a job out of state or moving away for college. Changing courts altered them on a fundamental level. Their aspirations, attitudes, and desires changed with the seasons. Not to mention their mantles.
The changes in Riley’s mantle made Lucas more self-aware and self-conscious of how cold his body was. When they were always giving him that “cold shoulder” vibe, it didn’t bother him since his shoulders were actually cold. Now, the darkling was moving away from the cold and away from him. Lucas was feeling too restless to lay in bed any longer, so he quietly got up to try and not disturb Riley. When he was on his feet and looking down at them, he felt new emotions brewing inside of him; anger. While he had spent all night tossing and turning, they slept peacefully, completely undisturbed by the events of the day. Meanwhile, he was exhausted and tormenting himself trying to figure out how they got to this place.
It must be nice to not care.
The more he thought about it, the more volatile the anger inside of Lucas became. He wasn’t the type to lash out at others in anger. No, he was the time to let it fester inside of him and grow into resentment. The longer he looked at Riley, the most resentful he became. Why did they even ask him to stay the night to work things out? They obviously didn’t care about him or they would have something. Anything. Were they trying to keep him around so they could parade him in front of all their soon-to-be new Spring friends? No doubt the other Spring courtesans would indulge Riley’s sense of entitlement and encourage them to do whatever they wanted in the pursuit of pleasure.
Fuck you, Riley. Maybe Spring is willing to grant you a Riley-Sorsa-Doesn’t-Have-to-Give-a-Damn-About-Others clause, but I won’t. You’re not that goddamn special.
He turned his back to the sleeping Lost, his eyes then searching the room. They landed on a post-it note pad that had a Sharpie next to it.
You’re not the only one who can decide to fuck off and do as they please without so much as a word.
Lucas stormed over to the post-it note pad, immediately writing down “We’re Over”, and then he pulled the single note away. He briefly returned to the bed so that he could stick the note over the headboard, above the spot he was sleeping. He could see why Summer embraced their anger so much. The anger he was feeling felt like a protective cloak he had put over his body. It was enough for him to gather the rest of his clothes, put them on, and leave the apartment.
After stepping outside into the cool evenings air, he could feel some of the anger drop off of him now that he didn’t feel so suffocated. If only he could hold onto self-righteous anger the same way Summer did. If he could, he wouldn’t be doubting his actions. His eyes drifted towards the space that Riley resided in. It wasn’t too late for him to turn around, head back into the bedroom, and take the note off of the headboard.
Before he was able to entertain that thought any further, another voice arose in his mind from the depths of his subconscious.
“Somehow, you’ve only become more pathetic since you left Arcadia. Are you going to go back and beg someone who clearly doesn’t care about you to pretend to care about you? Then again, I always liked it when you begged…”
Click.
Some switch went off in his mind. He found himself disconnecting from reality and instead going deeper into his mind.
It felt like he was being pulled into a living photo strip. The kind of photo strip that photo booths in malls and parties printed out. A series of colorful pictures were being printed out from the booth. In each picture, Riley and him were making silly faces at the camera. In the background, there were images of places they had spent together. The film started to pick up the pace as Riley turned to face him and grabbed his shirt before pulling him in for a kiss. While he closed his eyes and returned the kiss, Riley’s skin started to peel off of them. Frame by frame, they twisted into a monstrous being that looked capable of commanding the undead in the Underworld.
As he opened his eyes, the frames churned out faster and faster and the color faded away from them. It felt like he was in a silent movie at this point. Because when he opened his eyes and saw a massive, decayed skull looking directly at him, he tried to scream. Except nothing came out. Everything around him faded away, including the bench he had been sitting in in the photo booth. Instead, he was sitting in a small wooden canoe that was surrounded by darkness. He reeled back, trying to pull himself away from the ghastly figure in front of him and escape.
And that’s when the hands reached out to him from the abyss, latching onto his wrists. No matter how much he struggled, he couldn’t escape. Instead of wanting to scream in horror, he found himself wanting to say he was sorry, over and over again.
Click.
Maybe that’s exactly what he ended up doing. Just as the darkness was about to completely consume him, he suddenly felt himself jolted back to reality. When his eyes actually opened up, he found himself slumped against a light post. His throat was sore, his cheeks were wet, and his right hand was bloody and bruised. He groaned softly while he examined his hand, wondering if he had managed to break it when he did whatever it was his body did to force him out of his Durance.
He drew in deep breaths, trying to soothe his nerves to stop himself from trembling. He was okay. He wasn’t trapped in Arcadia any more. He would be okay. Riley would be okay. They would find happiness in the Spring court. They would find new friends, lovers, and shine brightly. He would be okay. Really, he would be. He would endure because that’s what he always did.
When he was confident his knees wouldn’t buckle beneath his weight, he slowly picked himself up from the ground. All he had to do was stop himself from going back inside to where Riley was. If he did, he might let himself be talked into staying. Then it was only a matter of time before one of them set the other off and the pain would return. He wasn't sure if he could withstand another mind trip like the one he just had. He hated that he was this weak but there was no changing that at this moment or any time soon.
“Goodbye, Riley.”
Lucas murmured while he focused on summoning the magic that would stop his emotions from getting the best of him. Ice crept through his body, turning his skin blue, and snaking around his heart until it was completely frozen. In that moment, all of his emotions were switched off. He felt nothing at all. He wasn’t afraid or anxious or sad any more. He was completely numb to everything and everyone. He didn’t even bother to look over his shoulder as he took his leave with no intent of ever looking back and returning.
No matter how much Lucas tossed and turned, sleep refused to come to him. His mind kept replaying the events from earlier in the day.
Winter had come to an end and it was time for the Spring to begin. Lucas had assumed at some point Riley would have sought him out at the coronation and they would have watched it together. However, he knew that they were flighty or at least he found them to be at times, so it did not surprise him when he did not see the darkling right away.
The Spring coronation went the way one would expect; lots of pageantry and excitement He only half paid attention to it. When Winter came to an end, instead of feeling invigorated, he often felt more exhausted. The energy and pace of Spring wasn’t one he enjoyed. Lucas was about to go into autopilot mode until he saw a familiar face prepare to swear an oath to the Spring Queen.
It was Riley.
After the coronation was over, the two of them finally caught up with each other. It didn’t take long for the two Lost to get into an argument over Riley not renewing their oath with the Winter court and instead swearing an oath with Spring. Against his better judgment, he agreed to try to work things out and spend the evening with them. Whenever something went wrong in a relationship, Lucas was quick to blame himself.
The fairest knew he wasn’t easy to love once someone got close to him. From a distance, he was easy to like and admire. He was good looking, friendly, helpful, and was willing to give any adventure a try at least once. Sometimes even twice just to make sure it wasn’t something he wouldn’t enjoy long term. However, once people got close to him, well...he was reminded of a line from Bojack Horseman while Bojack was going through a breakup:
"Same thing that always happens. You didn't know me. Then you fell in love with me, and now you know me."
No matter how pretty the wrapping paper or bows used to wrap up a broken toy, once a broken toy was unwrapped, it was still a broken toy.
Similarly, no matter how many times he searched his mind, he couldn’t figure out what he did to deserve to be treated like this. He wasn’t upset with Riley for changing courts; he was upset with them for not saying anything to him about it. Didn’t they promise each other that they would accept one and other for their faults and be present with each other? How could they spend all those nights beside him in bed and not once tell him that they were considering leaving? He had kept his promise. This wasn’t like someone deciding to get a job out of state or moving away for college. Changing courts altered them on a fundamental level. Their aspirations, attitudes, and desires changed with the seasons. Not to mention their mantles.
The changes in Riley’s mantle made Lucas more self-aware and self-conscious of how cold his body was. When they were always giving him that “cold shoulder” vibe, it didn’t bother him since his shoulders were actually cold. Now, the darkling was moving away from the cold and away from him. Lucas was feeling too restless to lay in bed any longer, so he quietly got up to try and not disturb Riley. When he was on his feet and looking down at them, he felt new emotions brewing inside of him; anger. While he had spent all night tossing and turning, they slept peacefully, completely undisturbed by the events of the day. Meanwhile, he was exhausted and tormenting himself trying to figure out how they got to this place.
It must be nice to not care.
The more he thought about it, the more volatile the anger inside of Lucas became. He wasn’t the type to lash out at others in anger. No, he was the time to let it fester inside of him and grow into resentment. The longer he looked at Riley, the most resentful he became. Why did they even ask him to stay the night to work things out? They obviously didn’t care about him or they would have something. Anything. Were they trying to keep him around so they could parade him in front of all their soon-to-be new Spring friends? No doubt the other Spring courtesans would indulge Riley’s sense of entitlement and encourage them to do whatever they wanted in the pursuit of pleasure.
Fuck you, Riley. Maybe Spring is willing to grant you a Riley-Sorsa-Doesn’t-Have-to-Give-a-Damn-About-Others clause, but I won’t. You’re not that goddamn special.
He turned his back to the sleeping Lost, his eyes then searching the room. They landed on a post-it note pad that had a Sharpie next to it.
You’re not the only one who can decide to fuck off and do as they please without so much as a word.
Lucas stormed over to the post-it note pad, immediately writing down “We’re Over”, and then he pulled the single note away. He briefly returned to the bed so that he could stick the note over the headboard, above the spot he was sleeping. He could see why Summer embraced their anger so much. The anger he was feeling felt like a protective cloak he had put over his body. It was enough for him to gather the rest of his clothes, put them on, and leave the apartment.
After stepping outside into the cool evenings air, he could feel some of the anger drop off of him now that he didn’t feel so suffocated. If only he could hold onto self-righteous anger the same way Summer did. If he could, he wouldn’t be doubting his actions. His eyes drifted towards the space that Riley resided in. It wasn’t too late for him to turn around, head back into the bedroom, and take the note off of the headboard.
Before he was able to entertain that thought any further, another voice arose in his mind from the depths of his subconscious.
“Somehow, you’ve only become more pathetic since you left Arcadia. Are you going to go back and beg someone who clearly doesn’t care about you to pretend to care about you? Then again, I always liked it when you begged…”
Click.
Some switch went off in his mind. He found himself disconnecting from reality and instead going deeper into his mind.
It felt like he was being pulled into a living photo strip. The kind of photo strip that photo booths in malls and parties printed out. A series of colorful pictures were being printed out from the booth. In each picture, Riley and him were making silly faces at the camera. In the background, there were images of places they had spent together. The film started to pick up the pace as Riley turned to face him and grabbed his shirt before pulling him in for a kiss. While he closed his eyes and returned the kiss, Riley’s skin started to peel off of them. Frame by frame, they twisted into a monstrous being that looked capable of commanding the undead in the Underworld.
As he opened his eyes, the frames churned out faster and faster and the color faded away from them. It felt like he was in a silent movie at this point. Because when he opened his eyes and saw a massive, decayed skull looking directly at him, he tried to scream. Except nothing came out. Everything around him faded away, including the bench he had been sitting in in the photo booth. Instead, he was sitting in a small wooden canoe that was surrounded by darkness. He reeled back, trying to pull himself away from the ghastly figure in front of him and escape.
And that’s when the hands reached out to him from the abyss, latching onto his wrists. No matter how much he struggled, he couldn’t escape. Instead of wanting to scream in horror, he found himself wanting to say he was sorry, over and over again.
Click.
Maybe that’s exactly what he ended up doing. Just as the darkness was about to completely consume him, he suddenly felt himself jolted back to reality. When his eyes actually opened up, he found himself slumped against a light post. His throat was sore, his cheeks were wet, and his right hand was bloody and bruised. He groaned softly while he examined his hand, wondering if he had managed to break it when he did whatever it was his body did to force him out of his Durance.
He drew in deep breaths, trying to soothe his nerves to stop himself from trembling. He was okay. He wasn’t trapped in Arcadia any more. He would be okay. Riley would be okay. They would find happiness in the Spring court. They would find new friends, lovers, and shine brightly. He would be okay. Really, he would be. He would endure because that’s what he always did.
When he was confident his knees wouldn’t buckle beneath his weight, he slowly picked himself up from the ground. All he had to do was stop himself from going back inside to where Riley was. If he did, he might let himself be talked into staying. Then it was only a matter of time before one of them set the other off and the pain would return. He wasn't sure if he could withstand another mind trip like the one he just had. He hated that he was this weak but there was no changing that at this moment or any time soon.
“Goodbye, Riley.”
Lucas murmured while he focused on summoning the magic that would stop his emotions from getting the best of him. Ice crept through his body, turning his skin blue, and snaking around his heart until it was completely frozen. In that moment, all of his emotions were switched off. He felt nothing at all. He wasn’t afraid or anxious or sad any more. He was completely numb to everything and everyone. He didn’t even bother to look over his shoulder as he took his leave with no intent of ever looking back and returning.