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Post by Gavin Graves on Dec 16, 2021 12:54:36 GMT -8
He hadn't expected Yuan's life had been all puppies and rainbows. He was one of the Lost after all. There was a lot more similarity in experience than he imagined there would be though. "That sounds tough, mate." He immediately regretted initially setting the conversation up for what was going to turn into a comparison of traumas.
"Wasn't really in a good way when I was taken either. I remember vaguely being in jail and feeling betrayed somehow. It's not really clear why. I'm pretty sure I'm an illegal too, but I got a bit of Winter help with that. Triads you say." The Razorhand had a run in with them not too long ago. "Black Dragons with the whole tattoos, white sedans, and dead-eyed stare thing going on, yeah?" It was clear he was familiar enough with the trouble. "Fucking traffickers, heh."
"I looked at one of their women the wrong way apparently and caught some focused attention for a couple weeks. Walked them into a noose and asked them if they wanted me to kick the stool. They opted out of continued contact. Probably wouldn't work the same for a debt though." Thinking about how to break through that noise had begun to spin around in Gavin's head. The colour red dominated the imagery.
"Myself, I didn't have an angle for work starting out and everyone wanted to use me as a leg-breaker or worse. Pointed myself toward playing courier instead, but that horse ended up in same barn."
"What I had to do to survive got me driven out of L.A. after some pretty rough interrogation." Eviscerating a Spring courtier in the chaos of the Hedge seemed a little too on the nose to detail to Yuan.
The Beast tried to summarize the feeling, "everywhere I go all anyone sees is the claws."
That wasn't enough for Yuan to be able to help him. "Worse, everywhere I go, with how I was made to be my first instinct is to use them. I spent years after that in the Hedge keeping everyone safe from me." The Hedge was where he hid to feel safe from the reality of what he was.
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Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Dec 16, 2021 14:41:54 GMT -8
“Yeah, them.” He shrugged. “It’s not all bad. There was nothing for me in China, and I couldn’t have moved here on my own. I’m sorry they’ve caused you problems.” It had absolutely nothing to do with Yuan, but still. “And thanks for listening.”
“Is that what’s been on your mind? You’re afraid of hurting others?” The Playmate felt guilty about his previous assessment of Fear. That was quite the stress to live with. “That’s a lot to shoulder on your own. We’re you wanting to find a possible solutions or were you looking to vent?” Sometimes, even well meant unsolicited advice could grate the wrong way. Still, a little empathy went a long way.
“Either way, I understand what you mean. I have instincts too, even if their different. Every day is a struggle to remember that I a human again. Well, as close to it as possible.”
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Post by Gavin Graves on Dec 16, 2021 17:00:12 GMT -8
He nodded at Yuan's gratitude. "Yeah, any time mate."
When the Playmate turned toward an assessment and solutions, it was natural, but heading in the wrong direction. The depths of his pain hadn't been addressed yet.
"It was what weighed on me for quite a while. I would practice control in the Hedge where I wouldn't hurt people. Did it for years before coming back and reacclimating. Then the Ashen Hunt happened." That truth was allowed to hang in the air for a couple of beats before he continued.
"I didn't expect to survive that night. I honestly thought the frenzy would take over and I would maim or kill someone from the Freehold and then Loki or the rest of you would put me down like a mad dog." Liquid lined the lower lids of his eyes as he stifled the pain behind his admission. That concern was merely example, and not only limited to that blood filled night. "That's not it though, no."
"I learned I can control myself that night, even in the most amped-up instinct driven state. Far better than I thought. The wild fury urged me to swing at Aster when our paths crossed in the bunker. Remembering the reflex he stymied then didn't bother him. Those had happened dozens of times and on various occasions. He was inured to that brand of guilt at this point, "but I didn't."
He kept silent for a time giving Yuan a moment to vacate his preconception.
"While I believed I was the deadly threat to everyone and deserved the distance and fearful looks I got from them, it was fine. I could take the solitude, because it was right. Even though it wasn't what I wanted. It was because of who I was." It really wasn't fine. The Beast was likely experiencing a much slower and less noticeable collapse into depression and likely other troubles before Mabon, despite his claim.
"Now." He blurted out, breaking through his own reticence to continue.
"Now that I know I was wrong about myself ..." he forced the words out.
"...I'm still on my own. And I've always been on my own. It's because of what I am." The fellow Beast could tell he didn't mean his Seeming or even that he was one of the Lost.
"All the weight of the past caught up to me: the looks and shying away all took on new meaning. No matter how many times I've helped others." Was he even a person to them?
"Until this trip. People only really called me when they had to. When some problem needed fixing or violence needed doing." Was he just The Monster?
Clearly the self-perceived clock on Gavin's downfall had different hands on it now. The Razorhand clicked the claws of his ring fingers and thumbs of each other, idly.
~Tick-tick~
~Tick-tick~
~Tick-tick~
"I'm tired." With the admission, gravity carried his words as well as his tears.
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Post by Krakenbox on Dec 17, 2021 15:08:06 GMT -8
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Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Dec 18, 2021 2:44:27 GMT -8
Yuan's heart broke. Not because he was sentimental and believed that everything was groovy, like so much rose-tinted lenses.
Because the story was painfully familiar. His lips moved before he had fully processed what was happening, words looking to please someone he had talked to only a handful of times before. Impulse, fuelled by a drive to connect.
"I'm so sorry, Gavin. I'm sorry you've had to endure this on your own. I'm sorry no one's reached out to you before. No one deserves to feel that way." The rest caught in his throat. His own admission of weakness was stymied by fight or flight, his Nature screaming that showing his belly was equivalent to execution. With a quick furrow of the brow, the Playmate dismissed the notion. No, he wouldn't let himself believe that his own feelings were blind spots. He was the person he was because he had learned to face them.
"The first year back had been the hardest for me. Over There, I had been forever. Facing my own mortality was the single most difficult thing I had to do. Why would I keep going if the destination was set in stone now? Why wait for the inevitable? Might as well just be done with it." What's a thousand years compared to a chance at immortality?
"On the particularly bad days, I still ask myself these questions." Lately, those days had been more frequent. "I know you're tired, because I'm tired too. Tired of picking up someone else's mess. Tired of being seen as a tool and not a person."
"Well I see you Gavin. I see your attention to details and your enthusiasm. I see your foresight and your care for others. The way you interacted with the Merchant, the way you worry for the mortals. You didn't have to barter on Summer's behalf. You didn't have to entertain my silly camping trip. I see you, and I am here for you. You're not alone anymore." His voice broke into fractals of colour and sound, something natural chords could never produce.
"I believe there are small joys to be found in the daily stuff." Yuan pointed to the murder and their shiny finds. "Tiny treasures that can make things tolerable and carry you over for a while. I know it's hard to see now, but I'd like to help you."
He couldn't even fathom the loneliness the other Course was feeling. "Would you let me touch you?" How touch starved must he be, if all everyone saw were the claws?
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Post by Gavin Graves on Dec 27, 2021 15:04:14 GMT -8
Gavin had turned away at his own revelation in an attempt to compose himself, quietly fearful his desperate appeal would prove to be too much. While listening to Yuan trying to connect, a sizeable lizard had scrambled out to scoop up an insect, catching Gavin's gaze.
He made no move other than to look at it, noticing its leopard like spots and its black and white bands across its shoulders. It stood as tall as it could. Being nearly a foot long, it wasn't too tall, but it struck him as proud and unapologetic as it swallowed the bug. It was strange to the Beast how in the midst of a powerful personal moment expressing his inner turmoil, he could be drawn into this weird happenstance watching a lizard. Life went on, even as he stood there.
As the detailed and empathetic understanding poured out of his fellow Beast, he slowly began to understand not only was he not really alone, probably a good many others felt just as isolated as himself and apparently Yuan. Neither enlightenment nor lizard interlude had slowed the flow of tears as the mind and heart often worked on separate wavelengths that would not take each other into consideration.
He turned back to face the Playmate at the outpouring.
Someone else had reached out to him once before, but the Autumn King's arrival saw a quick end to that brief moment. Gavin was surprised he hadn't hurt the well meaning and apparently oblivious person then when fear's incarnate had burst into the room.
Gavin just nodded.
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Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Dec 27, 2021 17:01:39 GMT -8
While Gavin was lost in thoughts, Yuan was contemplating his own. Memory was overlapping with his psyche, moments when his talents had been used to prolong one's quest for the Vision; keeping one's mind from shattering with no clear goal in sight. Was that what he was doing now? Surely not. With that logic, everyone he had ever helped was just perpetuating what he remembered of his Durance.
It was hard to have a fresh start and pursue one's wants when stress and injury kept piling up.
He blinked the sun out of his eyes as Gavin nodded. He nodded back.
Reaching out, Yuan placed a hand on the Australian's arm, just where the sleeve of his t-shirt cut off. It wasn't an intimate gesture, a simple contact of reassurance - he'd seen people do it all the time at bars and gyms. To be fair, gym culture was questionably straight at the best of times, but that was a debate for another time and another company. Physical touch had a way of grounding people in the moment and grounding was exactly what his fellow Beast needed.
If Yuan called on Spring, it was only to better asses the situation. Gavin had talked about some personal issues and the Playmate needed to make sure his ideations were still just that. Any more and he would be completely out of his depth.
Necrosis set in in the Emerald's Glamour, the price of invoking Contracts outside the boundaries of the freehold. Putrid energy shot up from the point of contact, black veins running up the arm only to explode moments later. A puss-like substance ran down Yuan neck as he winced from pain.
"Sorry," he said, smiling sadly. "I need to know if you're a danger to yourself." He let go of the arm to wipe off his neck and took a step back. "Please, don't take this the wrong way." He was almost pleading, anxiety starting to rise from the possibility of having messed up.
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Post by Gavin Graves on Dec 27, 2021 19:28:29 GMT -8
The Beast's instincts rose at first to pull away from the touch, not quite understanding what was going on when the necrosis had begun to erupt from Yuan's hand. Then, frenetically he searched Yuan's demeanor for hidden signs of malice or betrayal. Gavin had just been emotionally vulnerable and now a surprising use of magic set him on the razor's edge.
Having learned from previous scenarios, it was wise to prepare the ashes of owl feathers ahead of his need for them. This time he would not need a minute to collect the feathers from a pouch and then find his lighter and burn them. The ashes were already prepared in their own separate pouch. Taking a few steps back he set out to retrieve and apply the concoction to his eyelids. He needed to know what was going on. "What did you do!?" he asked incredulously. His yellow eye glowed with an uncommon intensity.
The warlock had wanted to examine the effects of the use of glamour outside the wards up close, but this was not how he wanted to conduct his experiment. Two birds, one glare.
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Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Dec 29, 2021 18:29:49 GMT -8
Desire was pulled away as the hand was removed. What he saw was not the consequences of a hasty action, but something private and personal. A bone-deep want to connect, something the Playmate understood all too well. He looked at his hand, covered now with black blood.
"It's fine, it's fine! I'm sorry! It's just a simple Contract to read Desire." He wasn't exactly sure of what was happening, with the ash and the excitement, but he defaulted to taking the blame. "I should have asked, but I was worried you'd pull away. I'm not like Mitch, I don't know how to handle actual serious situations." He tried to regain his composure as his lizard brain threatened to take over. Buried memories of punishment for failure, of crystal knives and operating tables. Pain. "I don't understand what I did wrong."
"I just wanted to help."
Yuan stood motionless, waiting for judgment to be passed.
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Post by Gavin Graves on Dec 30, 2021 0:00:43 GMT -8
The spiking panic from the unexpected use of magic was restrained as Yuan reassured the Razorhand it was innocent. As the Playmate continued to assuage, and backpedal, and then doubt, Gavin was at last relieved. His vulnerable moment having mixed with his own Mantle had set instinct toward fearing the worst. Yet still he had pulled away instead of lashing out like he always feared his reflex would be.
The Goblin's Eye had continued pulling its due from the magics around him as he composed himself. The magic that had flowed out from Yuan had aligned with the Court of Desire as stated, "Yes, you should have said fully what you intended to do." This was not the first time Gavin had been surprised by unspoken intentions, touching, and magics in the wilds. Rowan, a Darkling, had done a similar thing previously. What was then advertised as magic with a touch, turned out to be magic that involved painfully digging into Gavin's face. "I was remade as a weapon. What little I remember from my nightmares, it's all wandering trackless wastes, relentless rending, blood, and shredded corpses on display." His expression begged Yuan guess what his reflexes might be.
"I'm worried I'm not safe," he summarized. "My whole world could end with one mistake I can't take back. With Spring's magic in low ebb, even a lesser mistake might do it."
"You did nothing morally wrong. What works easily with others, needs a careful approach with me, yeah?" It was starting to dawn on the Beast, he had to be his own handler. People always liked to do silly things around the dangerous animals in the zoo and he didn't want to go the way of Harambe.
His heightened mode slowed with the explanation, "How's your arm?" Yuan had just knowingly hurt himself to check on Gavin's well being. That meant something. His concern shifting from what he might have done to Yuan, to what Yuan had done to himself for him. "I've got a first aid kit, but I could only guess at how to use it properly." Trying on an empathetic wincing smile and a half step forward holding it out once he'd fished it from the quick strap of his pack. Scrutiny of the magical necrosis might actually help in alleviating it he thought to himself, trying to ground the selfish curiosity in friendly concern.
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Post by Krakenbox on Jan 1, 2022 16:40:25 GMT -8
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Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Jan 4, 2022 13:20:18 GMT -8
"I didn't really think it through," he replied bashfully. It was a strange feeling, being stared at with those mismatched eyes; like he wasn't a person.
Still, he nodded gratefully at the first aid kit, keeping quiet that he had brought his own. While self-reliance was usually a good thing, it could easily come off as shutting Gavin out. "I've patched up enough breaknecks to know my way around one," he offered instead. He pulled up his sleeve, revealing a nasty open sore halfway up his bicep. It was the colour of rust, seemingly eating away at his metallic skin. Sitting down on a rock, Yuan put on the vinyl gloves before methodically cleaning out the wound with an alcohol wipe. He winced several times and sucked air through his teeth. "The doctor says I'll live."
In reality, the Playmate was sorting through the information he had acquired to formulate his next steps. Gavin trusted him enough to open up, or at the very least was desperate enough to do it.
"You're not just a weapon, Gavin. You're also a guide, and a scholar. Sure, we've been twisted into tools to fit a purpose..." A shiver ran up his spine as intrusive memories tried to worm their way back in. "But I have to believe that we can be more than that."
"I can help with some of it, I think. I could introduce you to people, make sure they see you in the right light. Think of it as an apology for not respecting your boundaries. I would have done it anyway, mind you. What's the point of a community if it doesn't lift you up?"
The Playmate coloured to rose gold around the cheeks as he bandaged his wound. He felt childish, talking about his emotions in the open like that. Americans were always so open about theirs, but Yuan often forgot that he could just ask instead of prying the information out. You could take the man out of China, but apparently you couldn't take China out of the man.
"I think- yeah. I'd like to be friends. If you don't mind." Spring's Mantle swirled around him, dandelion seeds brush gently against their skin. They were a promise of growth, despite the harshest conditions.
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Post by Gavin Graves on Jan 4, 2022 21:37:41 GMT -8
The Beast watched as his fellow worked at the wound with curiosity and concern, but was glad of the assessment, "good, good." He now had a solid look at what was going on with respect to the toll of the Wards, or what he reasonably assumed was associated with them. The Wards extending to the territorial boundary of the Freehold, outside the same area this price was exacted, and both were connected by Seasonal Rituals and the cycle of the Seasons somehow.
Life for Life. A new and foreboding understanding sent thoughts racing through his mind like lightning. The substance of shades being one of the few ways to avoid the necrosis for a time, if not the only one. What would that make the bead Tokens then? A bound spirit perhaps. A collapsing vein or tunnel or a string of beads that pop as used; the parallel was strong.
Feeling the burden of too many questions running through his mind at what he learned, he determined to ponder its meaning later lest he miss out on the rest of this excursion, failing both Yuan and the Shop-keep. It was not as simple as he would have liked to pack away. The persistent thought that kept breaking through was fraught with quandary, had he been shredding souls to run around in the Hedge and avoid facing what he was all this time?
"I know that, and I try to remember it all the time," Gavin knew he wasn't only a weapon, but it was hard to remember sometimes when his muscles ached to lash out or his claws hungered to feel the warmth of blood. "I have to."
"I came back following a yearning to be more than just the animal. Something helped me break the violence and wandering and run away." He just wished he knew the thought that empowered him well enough to break the bestial urging programmed into his being by a demi-god. Was it the loophole to the Faerie's magic perhaps?
Stop it. He chastised himself. Be here.
"It's alright. I mean I'm not going to stop you, and I appreciate it." He struggled a moment to clarify his meaning and avoid undercutting the offer with a word that would undo most of what he'd just said. "You don't need to apologize. I'm just so used to people only seeing the monster that someone not assuming the worst and keeping some distance did not occur to me as a possibility anymore and I relaxed my vigil." Why post verbal warning signs when the visual ones seemed to already perfectly perform the job, he figured. Now he had been more or less surprised in three encounters by others reaching out to him like this. Perhaps there was some reason for hope, and greater caution.
Then the Playmate said a word Gavin had not heard directed at him since before he was taken: Friends. It had been years.
The tension he had been carrying in nearly every muscle in his body began to evaporate as if by magic. He had been validated as a person. Not just for his capabilities. Not just for what he had done. Just as a complete being. A wave of chills echoed through his nervous system as the meaning took hold. "Friends!" he beamed.
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Hua Yuan
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Presence 2 - Nostalgic; SL 1 - Flawless
Posts: 304
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Post by Hua Yuan on Jan 4, 2022 22:31:22 GMT -8
Annoyance flashed briefly across the Emerald's mind at the 'woe is me' attitude. While he wasn't doubting how difficult it had been for Gavin, the occultist seemed to be oblivious to the fact that his situation was hardly unique. "Then keep saying it. Every morning, when you wake up. and every night, before going to bed. Keep saying it until you believe it." How many times had Yuan done the same? With tears streaming down his face as his sanity kept bending and breaking to fix others' problems. His voice came out like jagged glass and his pupils shrank to slits. He took a sharp breath as he tied up the dressing around his arm. He tucked a ruffled peacock feather behind his ear before looking back.
"What I'm trying to say is that we accept the love we think we deserve. It's going to be an uphill battle if you don't think you're good enough. I think you can do it, you just need to see it." He went quiet for a moment, as Gavin was lost in thoughts. Yuan let the silence do the apologizing for him. It was out of character for him, to speak to someone firmly. Maybe he also needed to believe in himself some more.
Then Gavin yelled. Yuan couldn't help but be swept away by his enthusiasm. His pupils returned to a normal state as his mental state was swept clean by pure, unfiltered joy. "Yes," he agreed. "Friends! Let's learn from each other and grow together!"
"Do... do you have someone to watch over your dreams already?"
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Post by Gavin Graves on Jan 5, 2022 15:56:18 GMT -8
While the urge toward violence was not unique to Gavin or even Beasts in general, it was an order of magnitude greater in a Razorhand that few could understand. Even the taken that had been made into prime soldiers and gladiators were not put to such a finely tuned purpose. Soldiers had to win battles, not just fight, which could involve strategic planning and morale maintenance through camaraderie. Gladiators had to also put on a spectacle. A Razorhand's only purpose was to kill the Fae's targets on command. In a Bestial Seeming, its commands were written in instincts imprinted on the soul, in the muscles, all the way down to physiological pleasure responses to violence performed--not watched.
"That's practically all I do. I do the guiding and the studying to keep busy doing things that help other people. A busy mind and a busy body to keep the bandwidth full," the criticality of keeping his hands from being idle was not overstated. "While I keep doing those things, I prove I am more than what I've been made. It's just difficult some times. Like when things get blurry and feel like I'm back there again."
"I'm plenty accepting of the things I want. I just don't see it on offer most of the time." He knew the immediate follow up was going to be a suggestion to go looking for it, "whenever I go searching for things I want directly though, it becomes a hunt and the lines blur further." a parallel had yet to be developed in coping with social wants for the wretched Beast.
He could be good enough. He wanted to be good enough. He just knew how much havoc he could cause too. He worried he was the scorpion in the tale of the Scorpion and the Frog and wasn't eager to test in on a friendly frog.
Yuan seemed to know how to get by well with people, "yeah, I'd like that," the offered friendship had been what he'd craved, but ever so careful to approach. "Plenty of room to grow," he agreed.
"Not yet, no," he had been asking around on the dream defense front, but no one seemed to bite. Who would invite a Freddy Kreuger-like nightmare monster into their nightly dreams? Apparently Yuan might. "You looking too?"
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