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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Jul 7, 2021 22:58:31 GMT -8
Lucas felt Dani's words tug at the empathetic strings that were attached to his heart. He knew that feeling well. He also felt silly as he reflected on their conversation at Dani's. Hadn't he also put Dani in that category to some degree? He had silently beaten himself up because he assumed Dani and Riley were both living their happiest, fullest lives together.
But life as a Lost was never that simple. Even love wasn't enough at times to conquer whatever ghosts of the past still haunted their minds. He gently shook his drink while he strung together his thoughts.
"It's okay, you're not. "He replied gently in response to the therapy comment.
"It sounds like you're trying to figure yourself out more than anything else. We're called Lost for a reason. We've been thrusted into this whole new world filled with wonder and terror. It's hard. It's downright terrifying too."
The Fairest sighed softly as he reflected on his own failures. "I have and I've also been so exhausted that I've gone an entire week only eating Lunchables because I didn't have the drive to even change out of my pajamas and go shopping. "
He tilted to the side to give her a gentle shoulder bump.
"Our worth isn't dependent solely on what we do for the Freehold. We're enough as we are, even when our depression, anxiety, trauma, or Arcadia tells us otherwise. "
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Jul 7, 2021 23:16:51 GMT -8
"It really is... Welp, better to stay Lost than Found," It was a joke, but somehow it felt darker than it needed to be.
"It's been cereal for me. Frosted flakes and Trix back and forth. Occasionally some Count Chocula or Cinnamon toast and the like. Pure sugar. All I'm running on lately. That and sodium," She looks at the bit of sodium filled chicken nuggets around them. She decides to take one, dunking it before eating it. Carbs are nice.
It's nice to know someone else is in that same boat. Not that others aren't too. There just seems to be something different about this weird friendship she has developing with Lucas. Well, developing? It seems like a friendship. Maybe it just feels weird because of the friends she's had in the past. ...is this what something normal feels like? She isn't sure.
"Riley said the same thing. I think I've been like this for a while," another smaller sip, "It's hard to keep in mind sometimes when it feels like the Freehold is always in desperation mode. Given lunchables and exhaustion, do you need someone to pull you out more or do you just need to wallow a while? I know sometimes wallowing can be good for the soul even when I don't get it."
That's just something that is part of her - making sure everyone is okay, provide help when she can. Though, that's part of what has been draining her. Then again, even if it is just going out more often, that would probably be a good bit of self-serving enough to be okay.
She still has to remember a promise she's made to herself. Just once, choose herself and her own care over others. This isn't that situation though, but if she doesn't keep it in mind, it'll never happen.
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Jul 7, 2021 23:50:24 GMT -8
"Cinnamon Toast Crunch is legit, but given how much more active you likely are than me, you should probably add some protein or something other than sugar into the mix." He joked in turn.
The last question caused him to grow quiet as his thoughts drew him deeper inside of his mind. Usually he wasn't comfortable with talking about his mental health hang ups outside of his own court. However, Dani was being open about many of her own insecurities when it came to her own mental health. None of her reactions thus far had flagged him as being judgmental. There were darker thoughts he held deep in his subconscious that he didn't care to share. But they were making a break through in terms of understanding each other and he wanted to dig a little deeper into his own insecurities to meet Dani where she was at.
"I've thought about that before. With my depression...when it hits hard it feels like I'm sleepwalking. Whenever I hit a certain point, I "fall asleep". I go through the motions of life but it's not like I'm really living. I'm okay these days but my depression is always in the back of my mind, even on my best days. Because I'm afraid that something will set it off and I'll fall back asleep again. So, there are times I go hard because I want to keep ahead of my depression. If I find something that feels like a life line that will keep the depression at bay, I cling onto it. But it never lasts. All that glitters is not gold."
He could feel his sadness bubble up inside of his chest and it crept into his voice. What was it that he actually needed to feel okay?
"I guess what I need...is someone who isn't afraid of my mental health. Someone who will stick around even when I fall asleep. I don't need someone to try and fix me. I don't want someone to have to put up with my bad moods when my depressive symptoms are on the irritable side. I need someone that will still answer my calls if I isolate for a few weeks or whatever. Even if someone doesn't have the right words to make everything better, it feels nice to know they'll be there when I'm ready, and not feel so alone, you know?"
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Jul 8, 2021 11:35:17 GMT -8
Danica stops sipping her drink or eating and just listens. It feels like a deja vu. Relatable. It was what she had wanted with Rowan. A friend that she could vent to, be an idiot with, laugh, but when shit gets hard, just exist with her, knowing that sometimes she just can't handle what the world throws at her. But she was too... possessive? No. Protective. Tried too hard. Thought she had to work to fix because he seemed like that was what he wanted. But he didn't. He just needed someone to be there. He needed someone that would make it about him. Their problems couldn't coexist. It blew up in flames.
And you walked out. If she didn't, she doesn't know where she'd be right now.
She swallows a little, feeling a coldness creep through her, goosebumps finding her arms, orange eyes just a little glassy. Cling. That's the other word that hits her. Are they similar or does she just want it to be? To feel like someone can actually sympathize with her?
"I know exactly what you mean. At least, I think I do."
"Especially about lifelines. Though mine are usually people. Clinging so hard and then it just shatters. It goes away. Like, I clung too hard to Rowan and it suffocated him. I was too much and it triggered my anxiety to extremes because I couldn't find a middle ground. I didn't know how not to be clingy. I didn't know how to change to be the kind of friend he wanted me to be. I shouldn't have been trying to in the first place, but-" a tear spills from her eye, a light sizzle upon her skin and she wipes it away. "I've always felt like no one could handle me when my anxiety spikes. I just apologize constantly to anyone who has to see it."
"I'm sorry. Fuck. This is what he said I always did. Just cry and make it about me." She shakes her head. "I don't know. It's how I relate."
She wipes away another stray tear, "Well, people with fucked mental health always seem to flock. If you ever want or need someone to call, I'll pick up." She knows that'll always be true. Even when she and Rowan broke up, she answered his call. That still hits her a kind of way, even when it's been so long. He doesn't know if he would have answered himself. Sometimes it felt like people never stayed.
Except Riley. She's always amazed that they do. They get it, get her. They may not be the perfect couple by a long shot, but Riley is as close to a main support as she can get. But that's so much weight to put on them. Fire doesn't keep people close enough to want to put much burden on another. Even lately, it feels like she's pushing Riley away even when she is trying so hard not to. There is no normalcy for a Lost.
"Toast to depression and anxiety? And people who get it." She holds up her glass, trying to bring a hint of levity. Something a little silly just to let things not get too dark. But then, she has a hard time not just sitting in a dark place. Sometimes it just feels good to exist there.
"Do you ever get the people who when you say you feel alone to they don't seem to get that it isn't about having friends? You can be in a room full of people who love you and still feel alone. Being reminded of that always seems to make that worse. It feels more isolating somehow."
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Jul 8, 2021 19:23:32 GMT -8
The Onyx courtier felt a pang of sympathetic pain for the Elemental as she tripped over her words to apologize to him for sharing an experience of solidarity with him. He knew Dani's intent wasn't to detract from his story and turn this into a suffering competition nor did he feel like that was the direction the conversation had drifted regardless of intention.
He also knew what it was like to want to apologize for simply existing.
"Thank you for sharing your experience with me, Dani. When I'm in an isolating mood, it's easy for me imprison myself in my own thoughts and further isolate myself by believing there's something wrong with me. I'm going through these fucked up experiences because of weakness on my part. It's nice to have a reminder that even with supernatural powers, life still has a way of complicating things. Sometimes it is our own damn fault and we can be the ministers of our own misery. Other times, it's completely out of our control and whatever happens isn't because of a fault of character."
He raised his plastic "Viva Las Vegas" souvenir cup and bumped it against hers.
"Cheers to depression, anxiety, and solidarity."
He knocked both half of his drink in one go. There was enough potency in the alcohol that regardless of how smooth the alcohol was with the amount he drank he could feel it burn at the back of his throat.
"Heh, I know that feel all too well. It's actually one of the reasons why I feel at home in Winter. Because a lot of courtiers here get it. We all have our own different hang ups, which is true for any court, really. But our particular hang ups are sorrow flavored."
Lucas eyed the rest of his drink while he considered Dani's offer. His initial response was to thank her but remind her that because of their courts, there was no guarantee that they would be able to answer each other's calls. After all, that was part of why he ran away from Riley. They were in Srping; the season of life. He was in Winter; the season of passing. On top of that, there were all the messy politics going on.
Still, didn't he say to Fawkes that he wanted to be the Winter equivalent of a peer support who helped others get through their troubles? Dani wasn't offering to his BFF who put him back together or any kind of dramatic, personal promise. It was a promise from one kindred spirit to another; having someone in your corner who understood that recovery from mental health was an uphill battle and the hill seemed a lot less steep when there was someone standing behind you who could stop you from freefalling.
If he wanted to get to the point where he helped others, he needed to learn to let people help him at times too.
"It makes me feel like we are AA sponsor buddies now." He snickered into his drink realizing the irony in it all. "You can call me too if you find yourself in as similar position."
There was another pause on his end as he felt some of the alcohol weave into his thoughts and dull his own social uncertainties.
"I gotta ask; do you think Riley would be a-okay with me calling you at 3am or vice versa to go brood in Denny's? Not to say that y'know, the two of you need each other's permission when it comes to who you talk to. Buuuut....our situation is a more nuanced one. I don't want to needlessly complicate anything for the two of you."
Sure, he had an personal pledge with Riley but that was a business oriented one. He still wasn't sure where the two of them stood in terms of their current dynamic with each other. He didn't want to end up slamming the door on finding civil if not friendly footing with Riley again.
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Jul 9, 2021 1:52:05 GMT -8
It feels nice for someone to actually get it. It also feels weird not to be accused of wrongdoing for sharing experiences. It's not that it has happened often or lately, but when it does happen, it is all you can think about. A single experience can entirely color how you feel about certain topics for a very long time, often regardless of the amount of positive experiences after the fact.
What he says next, she can more than sympathize with. Isn't it what she's been doing? Pushing people away and spending all of this time trying to fix whatever is wrong with herself even though she can't control the trauma life has thrown her? Constantly thinking 'It's my fault'. 'Why am I like this?' 'This isn't what a Summer should be dealing with'. She's been blaming herself and shunning herself as a Summer. Maybe it is also just out of her control... "Thank you for sharing with me as well. I know these kinds of things aren't what you generally share with random people." Meaning this is a genuine friendship brewing if it isn't that already.
Fire smiles, clinking plastic cups with him and downs not as much, though still enough to have to shake her head a little. Shit that felt weird. She'll never be used to being a Fire that feels burns.
She can't help but think to herself that it must be easy for those with depression just to straight flock to Winter. To a degree, she wonders if because of that they can get better help? Or is there enough understanding that they just kind of be miserable together? Probably a combination.
"Oh, god. That's so accurate," She responds to the AA buddies line. "Though, watch out, I'm probably the enabler." A combo of friends always has the one who is the enabler. The evil kermit.
At the mention of Riley's would be feelings on this, there is a bit of a grimace. "I really didn't expect us to get each other enough to become friends. I don't have a lot of actual friends." Was Linden a friend? Or were they an acquaintance that she- she pushes those thoughts away as quickly as she can. "It's something we'll have to talk about. They'll probably be upset with me, but," she pauses, trying to figure out how to word it, "Well, theoretically, I shouldn't let what I think they'll think color it. I suppose I'll find out either way though. It might complicate things, but complicated things are what tests you and the relationship. How else do you grow?"
"God though. Denny's at 3am is the best Denny's. You get all the good people who've got problems and munchies, so you just fit right in. It probably is the best place to brood and get out all the nasty vibes. The place practically soaks it up, but manages to stay neutral."
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Jul 9, 2021 2:49:35 GMT -8
"You're welcome." A friendly, thankful smile lit up his face.
"And yeah, they are not. Good thing I'm talking to a friend."
It was his way of telling her he got what she was hinting at and he agreed. It was nice to actually say the word friend out loud. Most of his relationships in the Freehold were rooted in business dealings that started to feel something akin to a friendship. With the two of them it started off with a surprise encounter in Denny's. There wasn't any kind of business dealing at the heart of it.
"I'm a sagittarius. If anyone should be afraid of being enabled here it should be you."
He added with a laugh before downing the rest of his drink. There was a long pause before he spoke again. When he did, he sounded far more solemn than he had previously.
"The thing is Dani...I hurt Riley. I know they won't admit it out loud, but me walking out like that hurt them."
He sighed heavily, his mind wandering back to his conversation with Riley in their locker room. They had looked so panicked and overwhelmed then. He was worried that they were cracking beneath the surface, especially with what went down at Beltane.
"I'll still be your friend even if they don't approve. What I'm saying is if there's some kind of boundaries set in place, like hey, no 3:00am Denny's runs without some kind of heads up, I'm okay with that. I just...I don't want to hurt them again. It goes back to what I was saying earlier. Sometimes there's no avoiding bad things happening. Other times, we're the ones making the bad. This seems like one of those times we can at least downgrade it to...uh..." He tried to think of a nerd term or reference to convey his point.
"Downgrade it to being like punched by one of the Power Ranger Zords instead of a Megazord punch. That's what the Zords turned into, right? Or was that Voltron? Anyway, like an annoyance instead of a full on kerpow." His hands were animated while he spoke as the alcohol settled into his system nicely.
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Jul 9, 2021 3:26:39 GMT -8
"And I'm a Scorpio, so," she shrugs. Which one is worse?
"Oh, wooooooow, Lucas. I get what you mean, but woooooow," She exaggerates the wows to no end, "I didn't think I'd ever hear a botched Power Rangers reference outside of a nerd convention. I applaud you."
"No, but I know what you mean. Boundaries are always going to be boundaries. I don't want to hurt them either. Life and relationships are a balancing act, so that's where we'll just have to see what happens." She sighs, "If I let myself try to imagine what will happen too much, sometimes I'm afraid the worst will happen, so..." She purses her lips and shrugs again. "If it seems like I'm trying to make light of it, I kind of am, but in a self preservation of sanity kind of way for now. Not an actually- I think you know what I mean."
It's still hard for her to put into a perspective just how badly Lucas hurt Riley. She can try to empathize with it and she can see how much Riley looked wounded, what they've both said happened, what Lucas said their reaction was, and the like, but what they actually feel, she can't entirely imagine. Hurt beyond all belief, more than likely. How much has time dulled that pain though?
She has to consider her own problems with Thomas. Fire still hurts from that, but that was a mutual break up. Mutual, but neither of them wanted it at the same time. Sometimes it felt like walking out and not trying harder. That's left a scar, but it's dulled so much over the past year and a half. Doesn't mean you ever really get over something. How did that compare to what Riley was feeling? It's no where close to the same...
She pauses then, squinting a little, "Did something happen recently that I don't know about? I feel like I'm missing something."
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Jul 9, 2021 4:13:37 GMT -8
When Dani looked closer at Lucas, it was obvious that something about his behavior from before was upsetting him. Any of the subtle negatively that could be found in his body language was directed at himself rather than Riley. He made himself another drink before he continued with his train of thought. How did he want to share anyway? The line he was walking at the moment was going to turn into a tightrope if he wasn't careful. Much like Dani, he didn't expect the two of them to actually become friends. But here they were, opening up to each other, finding out they had a lot of similarities, and they could become a genuine support for each other.
On the one hand, he didn't want to unload his breakup with Riley on them. Even if they were buddies, Dani was still Riley's partner. It felt like a boundary violation of sorts. On the other hand, he didn't want Dani to feel like he was being deceptive either and was secretly some sort of unrepentant asshole who was feeding them a bunch of sob stories.
"No, nothing recently."
He took a large gulp of his drink to give himself an extra boost of liquid courage.
"I meant what I said before when I encouraged you to check in with Riley to get the full scoop or whatever they want to tell you. However, since we are actually becoming friends-friends...I don't want you to feel like I've been insincere with anything I've shared. It's easy to talk about mental health struggles when it's sharing sympathetic things that don't involve hurting others. Me sitting around in my pajamas, eating a bunch of junk food doesn't hurt anyone else.
My insecurities...they can hurt others. I've never even told Riley the full reason I broke up with them. I avoided them and would ignore them even when they went on their mini-terrorizing streak. I think what they wanted when they were doing all of that was an answer so they could have some kind of closure and I didn't give them that. I still can't because part of what lead to the breakup wasn't even about us."
He glanced down at his hand which was nervously shaking as fragments of that night popped up in his mind. He chewed on his lower lip, trying to figure out how to navigate the rest of this conversation. This was his body's way of telling him he needed to stop or he may end up retriggering his Durance again by reflecting on what he saw while he disassociated.
"I'm sorry, can we please leave it at that? I don't--I can't talk about it any more. I'm working on getting there, but I still need more time."
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Jul 11, 2021 18:52:49 GMT -8
Fire nods, listening. Listening to this feels weird, almost like she is invading a bubble she isn't supposed to be in. She isn't supposed to be empathizing with the person who hurt her partner, but she just does. They vibe in a very weird way to the point she could almost say she has a friendship crush on him. That feeling of 'I just want to be friends with this person'. It's such a dangerous path to take, especially given everything else going on. But Fire needs friends. She's lost so many already. Maybe for once, things will work out in some weird way. She can hope. She hopes. She has to hope.
She watches him start to get out of it, biting his lower lip. She knew he was already uncomfortable and then he asks to leave it at that and she nots, "Yeah, that's fine. I appreciate you telling me what you have though. And I do believe you. I don't want to make you relive any bad memories. I still have a hard time talking about my ex, so I get it."
Maybe a complete change in topic. "So, what does Lucas get up to regularly? We hang in graveyards and talk about dark things, also Denny's hang outs, but what else do you do?
"Like, I tend to regularly do the nerd. Video games, anime, and the like. Screw around at a Hot Topic. Used to go to concerts way back when, but I haven't had a chance since coming here."
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Jul 11, 2021 19:06:12 GMT -8
Lucas looked relieved when Dani didn't push the issue, sharing a grateful smile with her.
"Thanks."
His voice was soft, some of the energy from earlier was gone. However, he didn't seem hostile or even sad at this point, if anything he seemed tired.
"I have graduated from Pretty Boy Jerk-Face to Lucas, eh? I must be doing something right." Despite feeling tired, he managed a genuine laugh.
"My Cockatoo takes up a good chunk of my time. I like teaching him new tricks and songs. Otherwise, watching sports, especially the basketball, hockey, and curling. Well, curling requires a few bottles of beer and then it gets really good. I like reading either at home or going to a late night coffee shop to get me out of my apartment every now and then. I like checking out performers at smaller venues, like amateur night at a local bar or when the aforementioned coffee shop hosts an open mic night. The crowds are a lot more smaller, the performance is more intimate, and my senses don't get overwhelmed from all the razzle-dazzle performances on the Strip always seem to have."
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Jul 11, 2021 19:52:31 GMT -8
"Birds are pretty cool, though they've always been kind of terrified of me," She smiles though. To a degree, she feels bad bringing the Riley conversation as far as it did, but it needed to happen, right? Lucas was right to bring up what he did, but still, it made things just a little less... liberated than before. If liberated is even the right term.
"You know, I didn't expect you to be the sports type, but hearing you say it, it makes sense. Given your skills with poetry, I'm not surprised about coffee, open mic nights, and books. It goes with the aesthetic, Plus, you know, your poetry skills are kind of bomb. Just kind of," she looks up and blinks a few times in a way of 'I gueeeesss I'll admit that'.
She takes a moment to eat the last couple of her chicken nuggets. "This was nice to have, given everything," she doesn't even have to go into that. They both know. "Just a moment for a little semi-normalcy." Just two friends meeting up in a graveyard to eat some nuggies and lament about the technically lighter than other bits of life. At least, for her it was. Unloading about things she hadn't begun to unload yet.
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Post by Lucas Chevalier on Jul 11, 2021 20:44:46 GMT -8
"I am working on Luther's guest manners. Once he's better behaved, you're welcome to meet him. He loves attention but right now he's very specific about the kind of attention he enjoys."
He sighed, shaking his head as he recanted his bird's poor behavior. However, the look in his eyes made it obvious that he cared quite a bit about the fussy feathered fiend.
"Thank you. Your poetry insight skills are the also kind of the bomb.com."
Lucas joked in return, giving Dani another playful shoulder bump. Then he stretched before laying down on the picnic blanket, looking up at the endless blue sky they shared. There wasn't a single cloud to be found. It was all sunshine and a blank canvas just waiting for someone to scribble in their own ideas.
"It was. Thanks for taking me up on the invite, Dani. Even if it was only for a moment, it feels nice to not be so alone in all of this."
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Jul 12, 2021 8:28:05 GMT -8
"Aww, his name is Luther? That's cute."
She blushes just a little bit, not used to being complimented on things that come from her head over her physical prowess. "Thanks."
She watches him lay down and from her spot, she looks up at the stars as well. It's so easy to think of it as a vast emptiness, but to her, the beyond is filled with more wonders. Wonders that keep you far, far away from Arcadia. At least, that's what she's always hoped.
Arcadia is always just around the corner, Dani.
"Same." A simple word, but it relates on so many levels. Simple, easy, much like what this friendship feels like at the base, even if everything else surrounding it is complicated as all heck. So complicated that she's worried other things could fall apart, but she tries hard not to imagine it. If she imagines it, it might come true. Maybe for once, the universe will let her have two things she wants instead of making her choose. Maybe for once, she can have multiple areas of support instead of reliance on just once source. Maybe. Just maybe.
But if she had to choose, she already knows the road she would take and perhaps that much is comforting even if it would hurt.
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