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Post by Rowan on Mar 10, 2021 21:33:06 GMT -8
"You're not going to like it," he warned her.
"I feel like I'm suffocating when I'm with you. You take up all the space, so much so that I don't even get the chance to introduce myself. You drag me left and right, deciding what we should do next without asking. 'You can just say no.' Have you met yourself, Dani? Have you seen the way you get when something doesn't go your way?"
"I'm not some charity case you can parade around the Hold for brownie points. 'Oh Riley, look at me Riley. I'm helping him Grow, aren't I the best?'" His words were dripping with rancour and venom, worse than anything his claws could produce. "You cling to me like some social life buoy when I barely know you. I don't even know if I can say the things I do know because it took a magic rave to get them out."
"Jesus, you don't even understand you're forcing me to do things I don't want to do, all the time. You, of all people." Rowan could be a dick too. He could poke at the core of what Danica was - an unstoppable force of nature.
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Mar 10, 2021 22:14:51 GMT -8
She lets out a breath, bracing herself for whatever he was about to say, but she wasn't ready for it. Any of it. What? ...wait. What? And he goes on. And on. And on. Her mind is just blown for a moment trying to put together the pieces. It was what she feared she'd been doing, but she-she-she kept reading him. She thought-she thought it was fine. She thought he was fine. "I don't-but-" she stops, trying to actually find words. He thinks I'm treating him as a charity case? A charity case? No. "You don't-" cling to me like some social life buoy... I barely know you. All of it just hurts. I feel like I'm suffocating when I'm with you. His words keep swirling in her head. And then he said that last line and she just stopped. Her mind went completely blank except for flashes of memories. "Fuck, Dani. You disappear for two years and you think you can come right back? Like nothing happened? I don't even know who you are anymore."
"You're too much."
"You always make everything about you."
"You burn and destroy everything you touch."
"I don't need you to survive. I can do it on my own. You're suffocating me. I'm not some daisy you need to protect from the outside world, Dani. Just go."
"No. Stop- just GO." She yells out, bringing her hands to her head and closing her eyes tightly. "Stop it. Stop it. Stop it." And she's not even looking at Rowan. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry just-" She shakes her head and turns around because the flurry of emotions bubbling up inside of her is too much. "Fine. If-if you don't want me as a friend, just fucking say it. I-" Why are you crying? She wipes away the tears streaming down her face like they are traitors. He's right. She does make everything about her. Even now her mind is bringing forth trauma to rationalize it. "I'm about to make this whole thing about me, so if you don't want that, you better go."But she can't help herself, "God. You think I think you're some charity case? Really, Rowan? Yeah, I'm clinging to you, because I'm just as socially dys-fucking-functual as you are. I don't have friends. I don't make friends. I just fall into people and just-just... I felt like we got each other. That's why I- Oh, god I'm such a fucking idiot." She doesn't turn around, she just stays frozen like that, staring out at the expanse wondering why it had to make her this weak. "And damn it. You think this is about Riley? RILEY? I cared about you before Riley was even on my radar. I didn't even realize I liked Riley until-" she has to cover her eyes because they just won't stop falling. Her stomach feels like it has dropped and is completely empty. She feels faint and chilled and- He's right. I do make everything about me. I'm supposed to sit here and take this and I'm just crying. He doesn't get you. He doesn't see you. No one sees you. No one needs you. And it is like the mental blows keep coming harder. "It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. You're right. I'm being a- no. Stop making it about you. Damn it." I just want to protect you. I needed to protect you and I failed.
She finally forces herself to turn around, "I'm sorry I've been knocking you around, making you feel like that. I've been blind to it. I thought I was helping, like a friend is supposed to. I did it wrong. I wasn't listening or- well, you didn't say anything. You just... you waited till it got this bad to say something. But- god, that doesn't matter. I'm sorry. Please don't- please don't stop being my friend. Please don't-" She looks as if she is absolutely on the verge of a breakdown and she absolutely hates it because it just keeps reinforcing exactly what he just said. "I'm sorry I'm like this. I'll try to change. I'll- try- please." |
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Post by Rowan on Mar 10, 2021 23:13:40 GMT -8
"Change? Change!? What the hell do you think I've been trying to do for the past year?" Damn, she made him so mad! "You don't have friends? You saved a motley's worth of people from the desert and you don't have friends?" He was threatening to explode, all of his inside, all of his kiths, all of his shadows, spilling out, like a balloon filled with carcasses of what could have been.
"Not having friends is being humiliated in front of everyone at Yule. Not having friends is contemplating being frozen out of the fucking Freehold." He couldn't cry, but he was shaking, the words getting stuck in his throat. It was too much, he wasn't meant to make this much noise. "You look at me when you tell me you're dysfunctional. This is what dysfunctional looks like. You're the fucking hero of Vegas and I'm just a Fall guy who can't get through a function without messing up."
"You always do this, Dani. This is why I don't want to tell you anything. You cry and you victimize yourself the moment someone brings up something that's wrong." Something dark welled in him, birthed by trauma and rejection and his unstable mind. "Do you get off on reminding me I owe you my life?"
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Mar 10, 2021 23:41:39 GMT -8
She closes her mouth, biting her lip as tears are still streaming down her face, trying to keep herself level, trying to grasp onto anything she can before she just loses it again.
"No." She closes her eyes and finally spits out. "No. No I don't. You don't say anything. You don't tell me anything. I don't cry from doing something wrong because you haven't said any-fucking-thing to let me know it was even happening!"
She shakes her head, "What the hell are you even talking about? Who are you even talking about? I don't cry at everything. I don't cry when someone has told me I've done something wrong. I cry when someone I really care about lets things bubble to the point that when we finally get to talking about it emotions are so high that we can't even think straight. And you're standing here telling me that I'm a certain way when I know for a fact that we've never had this kind of confrontation. We've never had this. We shouldn't have had to have this if you had just SAID something."
Her breath is ragged and heavy and it's almost too much. "A friend is someone you really talk to and knows you. Someone who sees you. Someone who wants to see what's actually under the surface. Saving someone doesn't make them your friend. And fuck. I didn't ask for that. I just wanted to get you home, Rowan. I used every last fucking ounce of my energy to do it and I don't care about the thanks. I don't want it. I just want you safe."
Her whole body just aches with a sense of rage and sorrow that she's never fully expressed before. Not since Erin died. Not since Triss disappeared. Not since Cecilia decided she was done. Not since Cassandra went all ice queen. "And no. Why the hell would I- Who do you think I am? Do you think I'm someone who likes that? No."
She bites her lip and takes another breath. Her tears have started to dry and in has come a raging headache. "You're like a brother to me. I don't have my baby sister anymore because she doesn't want me in her life anymore. Because I disappeared. Because I abandoned her. Because-bec- And I'm real shit at taking care of my siblings apparently, but damn it, it's all I know how to do. I am dysfunctional. Just because we aren't the same dysfunctional doesn't mean you get to invalidate my own experiences. No..."
"No. It's you." She looks at him, "No. It's you. You're the one who does that. You're the one who cries and shifts kiths the moment someone tells you that you've done something wrong. And you freak out. And makes them about them when it is about how you hurt someone else. And you- fuck. You're putting that on me."
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Post by Rowan on Mar 11, 2021 0:04:13 GMT -8
"I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE!" It was the first time he raised his voice, really raised his voice. His face twisted even more in anger than boils could ever make it on their own.
"We fight one cow who forgot it died and now we're supposed to know everything about each other? You have a sister? You're from Baltimore? You tell me these things like they're supposed to mean something. I'm trying to solve this puzzle blindfolded when you're hiding the pieces. I've been open. More than with anyone else. You've seen me at moments I never allowed anyone else. And you're using it against me. You ask just enough to convince yourself that everything's fine. That you're fine."
"You're right. This is why I don't tell people things. Because nowhere is safe, and everyone is out to get you. Thanks for reminding me."
"I fucking didn't want to talk about it."
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Mar 11, 2021 0:25:35 GMT -8
"It's not about the cow. It has literally never been about the cow. We didn't become friends because of the cow, I wanted to be friends with you because I felt a thread in a weird fucking way. Relationships take time, but sometimes you know when one is supposed to exist." Every muscle in her body feels like it is on fire and not in the good way.
Danica looks as if she could both cry, scream, and throw up at the same time, "I AM an open book, but you never ask. And I don't have hardly shit to tell about my life. I am exactly how I present myself. But here, I will give you the skeleton. It isn't much. I am some loud elemental idiot who walked into the hedge, abandoned my sister, found my way out, got rejected by her, fucked up the first motley I had, fell in love with the person I fucking tortured in Arcadia, and have overcompensated every day of my life trying to- to- make up for all of it. I moved here to keep an eye on my sister, because I can't let her move across the country and fear she could be taken. And I hate myself for every bit of it. So, there you go."
She clenches her fists, trying to keep herself together. She feels like she could erupt, but she isn't going to. She can't. "God. Rowan. I'm not out to get you. I'm not. You've been paranoid for months now, more than usual. You need to get yourself checked out by someone. Seriously. But just stop. I just want you to talk to me. I know nothing is alright. We're fucking Lost. We are never going to be fine. But if you keep this shit to yourself, if you keep your feelings and grievances, and anything else that is ticking you off under the sun away from me, then I don't know what to do.
"Where is the line? Tell me where it is so that I don't cross it. Where are your boundaries? Tell me so I don't fuck it up. I don't want to lose you as a friend because we don't know how to open our mouths and say what we mean to say." She pauses, standing there waiting. She feels dizzy and the heat isn't helping.
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Post by Rowan on Mar 11, 2021 9:45:48 GMT -8
"How dare you? Do you know how many times I- no, forget it."
Everything was coming out crooked, in the worst way possible. It was all happening too fast, he had no control over the words. He wanted to say that people were assholes if they were blaming Dani for Arcadia. He wanted to say that so far, his vigilance had saved his ass more times than he cared to count. But none of that would matter. So he shut his mouth and locked his jaw to stop anymore poison coming out. But he also needed to stand up for himself.
"I'm not crazy. After the amount of shit we run into, that's the only thing that makes sense. We're at the bottom of the barrel, we shouldn't be fucking dying every other week." He slowed his pace, mulling over each word and syllable before unleashing it on the word.
"Have you ever stopped to consider my side of things? Why is it that I don't say things? No, you didn't, because no one does. People simply demand that I open up, let others in." Rowan passed his hand over his face to try and compose himself. He hated admitting to his weaknesses.
"I'm not hiding things because I don't want to say them. I'm hiding them because I want to say them at my own pace. I'm not fucking Riley, who breezes over every conversation like it's nothing. Or Icarus, who can just be hot. Or Lucas, or Archie, or so many fucking others who know how to handle this shit. Silence is the only way I feel in control of any social situation because I get to chose how and when I say things. But it's never fast enough. It's never eloquent enough. 'Tell us how you feel Rowan. you should really open up, Rowan. Stop keeping people at arms' length Rowan.' Fuck off. I just want to feel safe and not like some freak who can't string two words together without coming off as rude."
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Mar 11, 2021 20:46:04 GMT -8
She brings her hands to her head and groans, "Then don't open up. Take your time - and yes, I know that's hypocritical given what I've said before, but like, shit changes. Like, it's not like I'm going anywhere. Not unless you want me to. I don't need you to change or change fast, Rowan. I just want you to feel like you have someone there when you actually need someone. Like, fuck dude. You also made a promise and you wanted help with that - I wanted to help. Obviously, I'm fucking that up.
"Like, do you honestly think I'm only here because your a stamp in my little badge book? Do you think I'm only hanging out with you to change you? No. I hang out with you because I fucking like you. And... you really think you don't know me at all? You really haven't figured out enough about me to know that I'm not doing this shit on purpose. To hurt you."
"And I didn't say you were a crazy. I said you needed help because you've been paranoid as all hell. That happens to us sometimes. It's a freaking illness, not a statement about you as a person." She covers her eyes, wiping away the tears that keep spilling out. She hates this.
"Damn it. We're literally shouting around in circles. I don't know what to do. What are we supposed to do right now?"
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Post by Rowan on Mar 11, 2021 21:19:33 GMT -8
He stared at her blankly, as a translucent membrane covered his eyes and retreated. He was speechless for a second, trying to figure out the extent of her mental gymnastics.
"A-are you for real? You force me into this conversation, in the middle of a desert I didn't want to go to. And- and now you're backtracking and telling me I should keep quiet?" His voice cracked in disbelief at her words. "Why? Why does everything have to be on your terms? I shouldn't need your permission for this."
"Stop. Just stop. Stop coming up with reasons, with excuses and explanations. You've hurt me, whether you wanted to or not." There was a long silence, as he wrangled his racing thoughts. His stance shifted a little and his shoulders slumped.
"I'm a lot. I'm slow to trust and quick to pull the trigger. Half of the time, I have no idea what's going on if it's not about Contracts or other weird stuff. I'm a shirt person with shit coping mechanisms. I wouldn't be my friend. But I don't need you to shelter me. I'm not your little brother. For all I know, I could be older than you. What I need is for you see me as an equal."
"I'm getting help, Dani. What's your excuse?"
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Mar 11, 2021 22:12:28 GMT -8
"I'm not telling you to be-" She takes a deep breath. What's your excuse? That cuts like a knife. She was the mom of her last motley. She needed to be. I'm putting that burden on him. He's not them.
Close your eyes. Breathe. This is your fault. Take it you idiot.
"I-" she lets out a breath, trying to get herself together, "Rowan, I'm sorry." Biting her bottom lip, she leaves it at that. For the first time, she just stops talking and looks at him. Her heart is racing and her brain is shooting off a million and five ways that this can go wrong. This is where the friendship can die. Sorry isn't enough. Is it? "And d-don't forgive me unless it's actually forgiven." I don't deserve- no. stop it. He doesn't deserve to deal with having that on him. "And that's not right now."
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Post by Rowan on Mar 11, 2021 23:08:43 GMT -8
"Can we just, keep going? I need time to think."
His mind was in utter chaos. Feelings, memories, impressions. Everything was jumbled up in a tight ball of guilt. He wanted to leave, to disappear and never come back, but the desert was thousands of times more terrifying to him than anything that could have happened after this. His backpack was heavier with every step he took, as they both walked in silence. Felicity had told him that adults work things out. They break them down and look at them from every angle and then put them back together. What they had done wasn't that. That had been raw, ugly emotions spilled out of... What? Self-loathing? Insecurities? Stress? Rowan didn't feel better from having said those things. If anything, it reminded him of the night he ran out. The night They took him.
They walked for a good part of the afternoon before reaching their site. He kept quiet the whole time. Rowan barely looked where e was going because everything was turned inward. Was she right? Was he being paranoid? Surely not, not after everything, right? He was being cautious and careful. Except that wasn't true. He had rushed to Golden's aid at the first whiff of information. He befriended Riley as an access point into Spring. Surely, he was just doing what was necessary to keep going, right?
The silence was... awkward. Unbearable. Somewhere along the lines, he had gotten used to the background noise of Firebringer. He put down his pack and sat down.
"I'm the one who should apologize, I think." His voice was very quiet, like he was afraid to scare away whatever bravery he had finally manged to scrounge together. "I don't know what's happening Dani. I'm used to trusting my instincts, but lately everything has been wrong. It's like. I'm walking a tightrope over a pit, and I'm too scared to stop because I will have to look down. So I just keep running." He brought his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. "I'm scared. I have no idea what I'm doing and I don't want other to know. But you care, don't you? You actually do care for someone like me, even after everything."
"I don't deserve that." He was a ball of hurt and spikes and quiet contempt at the world around him. He was worn out and confused. Nothing made sense so he simply burrowed deeper and deeper until no light ever shone through. Darkness was his home, but even that didn't feel safe.
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Mar 11, 2021 23:34:05 GMT -8
Walking in silence like that was like torture, but she kind of deserved it. They needed this silence. They needed to take a moment and just think. It's the opposite of what she would normally do. She will just continue talking until she can forget about it. Move forward. Maybe he was right... she picks enough information to just pretend things are fine and then not dig any further. It wasn't just with other people, it was for herself too.
They walk along and she takes the time then to cool down, while they do, she makes sure to keep them on track back down the trail. Getting lost would be the worst thing right now...
And then Rowan put down his things, sat down, and started speaking, which confused her. Wait. No. Why are you apologizing? This is my fault, not yours! He was folding into himself. No. Don't tell him to stop. He's doing this on his own. Maybe the time to be silent had actually been good for her.
She walks over and sits next to him, just listening and nodding. "Doesn't matter if you deserve it or not, I'm still gonna be here." She offers a faint smile, but tries to give him whatever space he needs. "What do you need right now?" She almost started listening off examples, but she doesn't want to lead him. Let him voice what he wants to or not.
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Post by Rowan on Mar 12, 2021 8:06:25 GMT -8
"I need every thing to just like chill, for like, two minutes. Everything is happening so fast."
He folded in a little more. "It used to work, you know? Keep moving. No matter what happens, just keep moving. You're dead if you stop. I watched a documentary once, about fishing. They put hooks into the net, so when the fish try to break out, they only get more hurt."
"I keep replaying what Archie said. Fuck, I sound like a loser."
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Mar 12, 2021 15:15:10 GMT -8
Dani shakes her head, "No, you sound real." These are real fears and they should not be shamed for being so, even though to a degree she'd done so earlier. Things had been too tense... Did they mean every word they said? She wasn't sure.
"It's hard to keep grounded when you're always in flight-mode. All that constant adrenalin. It's exhausting." Less is more, she tries to remind herself. But she also gets it. She's felt that before, but it'll never be anywhere close to how he feels it. She'll never be able to sympathize in the same way.
She keeps taking his words into account, further pushing herself. This is about him and not you.
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Post by Rowan on Mar 12, 2021 15:59:31 GMT -8
"I don't know anything else."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I wish could just take it all back. I always run my stupid mouth when I get angry. And last time I-" It wasn't clear if he was talking to Danica. Rowan's gaze was locked onto the horizon, not really registering his surroundings anymore. "I just want to go back."
"It's not helping anything." He shook his head. "I'm making it about me."
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