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Post by Rowan on Feb 7, 2021 20:09:23 GMT -8
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes to steady himself. " I was fourteen when the Fae stole me. I ran out from the house after I had a fight with my parents. When I got back, I looked like this." His features hardened, an unconscious reaction to the sadness and distress he was feeling. " How do I reconcile being in my mid-thirties but having the life experience of a teenager? Arcadia isn't exactly the school of life." Crap, he'd definitely said too much now. "But I'm just as capable as any other Changeling! Don't look down on me."
He goes for a sip of beer before remembering the bottle was empty. "When I look in a mirror, I see someone I don't know. How to dress, how to act - these things didn't matter on the other side. He's a stranger." He looked Danica straight in the eyes. "That's how I feel. I hate the stranger I've become. At the same time, nowhere is safe and he's good at protecting me."
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Feb 7, 2021 20:35:24 GMT -8
Danica's lips part and her eyes widen a little bit as Rowan finally opens up, "Rowan, I'm so sorry. And I don't mean this patronizingly, you know that. I get it. Sort of. In a slightly different way. You are capable and you are doing a hell of a good job after having been through what you have."
"I..." she pauses, "I was a punk. I got into fights for money to help keep my family afloat. I fucked up one day and got dumped out in the middle of nowhere. I was 16. A Hedge gate opened up and like an idiot I just walked in. I got taken and..." she bites her bottom lip a little, "I don't understand how to be a person. My body was incinerated and I was a furnace. For the time I was in Arcadia, I forgot that I was a living being. Whenever I'm in the Hedge, or sometimes when I'm alone, I feel this call. Telling me to shed this," she gestures to her body, "and just exist like I'm supposed to."
"I'm not supposed to be a fire. I'm supposed to be a person, but I look in the mirror and it's like the uncanny valley. I stare, focusing on my mask and I know that's what I'm supposed to look like, but it doesn't feel like its mine. My skin doesn't feel like it belongs to me." there is this weird sound of sizzling and she realizes a couple of tears have escaped the corner of her eyes. She quickly reaches up and wipes them away. "I try to do simple things like brushing my hair and I'm constantly reminded that this body feels borrowed. I don't even understand how I have one to begin with..."
"You're not alone and you are allowed to feel lost and confused and not have a clue how to deal with the cards that have been handed to you. So many of the others have it so much easier, but they act like they have it harder than anyone else. But maybe that's just my fucked up perception. I don't know." She sighs, trying to calm herself a little, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean... Maybe that's why I feel so drawn to you. I can sense that you get it."
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Post by Rowan on Feb 7, 2021 21:05:53 GMT -8
"It's like every time I open up, I get reminded why I shouldn't do it. My experience doesn't matter, because I don't wear my heart of my sleeve. 'It's fine, Rowan can take it. He's just the creepy Fall dude.' I hear that all the time, you know. The moment I try to stand up for myself, I'm a bully. I can never win. I change all the time to try and shake the feelings of wrongness, to find something that fits."
He shakes is head and reaches out his hand to the Elemental. "Hey, I see you Danica. You're here, with me. I'm bad at showing it, and we haven't known each other for very long, that true. But you are a friend. Thanks for telling me. I've never talked about it with someone."
His face showed very little emotion, even in this moment. He hoped that his words would be enough. Someone got it, someone was on his side.
Some sick part of his brain was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the inevitable punchline.
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Feb 7, 2021 21:42:40 GMT -8
"Will I be surprised to find out the ones ripping on you for being the 'creepy fall dude' are Springs and Summers? I swear, I will fight people." She shakes her head and takes his hand, giving it a squeeze and she offers a smile. She knows this is a huge deal for him and she feels hella blessed that he's come this far and opened up some.
"I've never talked with someone who gets it. And I've never been one who subscribed to the belief that you have to know someone very long to get to this point. My last motley was formed after 15 minutes while severely inebriated." She laughs a little bit. "I'm glad to have you as a friend. An actual friend. I think we both really needed this."
"It hurts when you change though, doesn't it?" She asks, a look of both curiosity and concern.
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Post by Tanner on Feb 7, 2021 21:59:13 GMT -8
Tanner sips a new beer, ear flicking as he read the room and hung back for a bit longer to give the pair time.
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Post by Rowan on Feb 7, 2021 22:07:21 GMT -8
He squeezed back and then pull his hand away. His mouth did that twitchy thing teenagers get sometimes, when they're trying out new words, or coming up with a lie. He shrugged. "I mean, yeah, a little. But it's also painful to be made fun of. Maybe if I do it enough, and make myself useful, people will like me more."
'And tell me I did a good job,' he thought silently. He chuckled at her remark about the High Seasons. "Aren't you Summer yourself? Besides, people do well to be afraid. Fear protects the future, while Wrath helps us come with the present."
He waved to Tanner, thinking the worst of the sharing was behind. At least now, the Elemental was focused on Rowan and not his Autumn friend. Success?
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Feb 7, 2021 22:29:30 GMT -8
"You are more than your utilitarian worth, you know. What everyone else thinks, it's bullshit. People who are going to help you attain your goals, sure, those people should see exactly what you're made of, but everyone else? Meh. Though, I think as you begin to settle with yourself and you have time to just... really exist, people will start to see you." She moves her hand up to fix her hair, though a little bit of a lock snaps off and her eyes widen in a hint of surprise before she discretely sets the hair in her pocket, trying to ignore that that just happened. I'll... cry about that one later.
"Yeah, I'm a Summer, but it doesn't mean that people get to be a dick to my friend, comrades or not." She says confidently, smiling a bit more relaxed. Holy shit. I have an actual confirmed friend. Fuck yes. Her brain then moves to the idea of how to turn her friend into a total weeb, but then she shoves that down.
"Speaking of friends, we also need to skulk around places together and get up to shenanigans at some point." She pauses, "That sounded way more ominous than I meant it. I just mean general chilling." she laughs.
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Post by Tanner on Feb 8, 2021 5:19:50 GMT -8
Tanner watches the Darkling wave to him, and offers a small shrug and a slight encouraging smile. It takes him another beat to realize he was actually being summoned back, mind elsewhere for the time.
There's a slight nod to Firebringer's statement on utilitarianism, though he hesitates to add, worried either would pick up that he didn't fully believe in the argument she was putting forward. The Beast had yet to see proof otherwise that your worth to a community directly correlated to what you brought to the table, even with a motley. Simply existing wasn't enough when everyone was perpetually emerging from a crisis. Maybe he just had a more jaded view of things, but that wasn't going to help Rowan to get into. The smile faded as he reflected that the topic would also probably upset his friends.
Well, someone had to be the realist.
"See? Fighting a cow gave you a shared experience," he laughed, switching the Page back on.
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Post by Rowan on Feb 9, 2021 9:42:55 GMT -8
He nodded to both Tanner and Danica.
"Speaking of shared experience. I thought about what you said last time, I think I'm going to take my GED. I was going to ask for your help, but you have enough to deal with as it is. But do you have like, a reading list, or something?"
It correlated with him not wanting to stay at the bottom of the pyramid. In Fall, it was hard to move up without academic credentials because the Court was so focused around research and experimentation. Taking his GED would be the first step towards that. He had barely managed to scrape by so far, seeing as everyone needed him to have the answers about the Weird Things, never mind his own area of expertise.
"Sorry Dani, shenanigans might have to wait."
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Firebringer
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Elemental Ifrit, Presence 3 (Intimidating)
Posts: 634
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Post by Firebringer on Feb 9, 2021 16:05:23 GMT -8
"Ah, yes. Academics," She pauses and then just bursts out laughing, covering her face as she is completely overcome with giggles. "I'm," she laughs again, "I'm sorry. I accidentally referenced a game and I just died." She bites her lip trying to restrain herself from continuing to laugh. She lets out a slow breath and cleared her throat.
"If that will make you happy, go for it. 10,000% in support. Don't wear yourself out though going too deep into it. You need to leave yourself time to have fun. Whatever your fun may be." She offers a smile to her friend.
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Post by Tanner on Feb 9, 2021 22:25:29 GMT -8
"You're more than intelligent enough," he said, blinking, "You'll probably find it easier, actually, than you remember from when you were younger. The whole," he gestured vaguely around his head, "Brain development thing. Aello's studying too, so honestly I'm pretty familiar with the curriculum if you need someone to keep you on a schedule. But, you work, so, that's up to you? There's online classes, but you can go to in person with everyone else in the same boat, all walks of life."
It was also a potential social outlet and Touchstone, but he wanted the man to conclude when he should go for on his own without Tanner holding his hand. Rowan needed confidence — not independence. Frankly he had independence in spades, and was more in danger of becoming an unhinged, self-sufficient mountain man than dying helpless on the street.
He would have missed the obscure reference if Firebringer hadn't laughed at her own joke, and pointed it out that it was a game. Even then he was still unsure, ear flicking as he sipped his drink. "...You play RPGs, Danica?"
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Post by Krakenbox on Feb 19, 2021 13:10:28 GMT -8
The conversation unwinds to something more casual, before the night grows long and the Lost part ways...
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